I have written about attachment a lot, and I find much of the time attachment is driven by fear. Fear of loss, fear of being ostracized, for us perfectionists fear of being wrong or imperfect, etc. The idea being if I cling and grasp tightly enough, I can control what happens and I will be safe/okay. I find letting go can only be done through ease, not through force. You can't force yourself to let go, but you can find release from the attachment. I see it as unclenching the fists and allowing the fingers to open.
I’ve just commented about control below rhen read your comment! I agree it plays a big part. And I too love the word allowing. Allow something to be there - don’t have to like it but can allow it. Dropping resistance to ….
Such a good point, Don. When I think of attachment, I also think of attachment theory in social psychology and how our early attachments to primary caregivers often form the way we view ourselves and our relationships with others.
Somehow I absorbed the lesson early on school playgrounds as well as in the classrooms and offices inside. Learning to let schoolyard taunts roll off wasn’t easy but I learned. A teacher complaining that I wasn’t working up to my potential prompted an unspoken challenge of “how do you know what my or anyone’s potential is?” Eventually my compass pointed inward knowing that I would not be able to rely on the world to be fair and knowledgeable.
I so love this, "Head Researcher in the Department of Self"! There's something curious, observant, and nonjudgmental about non-attachment, and I really feel your title captures the essence of living in Witness consciousness. Thank you!
No problem, and Lang is great. :🙏🏽💙 I decided to include my title here as I felt it lends some gravitas. I almost didn't though, my relationship with my doctorate is complicated. 😂
I get that, Lang. On the one hand, I never know if someone includes their title if they want to be addressed by it, and I don’t want to be disrespectful. It can also come across sometimes as a little showy or insecure (especially if the name is followed by a zillion letters). But on the other hand, if one’s blog includes medical, psychiatric, therapeutic, or other professional advice, the title goes a long way toward justifying the author’s right and qualifications for offering such advice. 🤷🏻♂️
Much appreciated, Don! My doctorate is in leadership and spiritual formation, and I write on what it means to be fully, freely, and wholly alive, so, in line with what you shared, that's why I include it. And, I always appreciate and feel honored when people, like you, lead with the Dr. Lang. 🫶🏽🙏🏽
Equanimity is a word I'd like to embody more often. It holds so much potential, and I love that its definitions emphasize "especially in stressful situations."
I interacted with a woman last night who told me she'd lost 50 lbs. When I asked about her approach she said "fasting." She went on to explain that she consumes virtually no calories until dinnertime. Impressive, and perhaps a technique that will work for her for the long haul, but I don't think I could ever sustain that. It's important to set realistic expectations with emotions and spiritual practices, too! Loved this accessible lesson, Don. Thanks!
Thanks, Elizabeth! I chose equanimity as my word of the year back in January and it is still important to me. I continue to meditate, and throughout the day try to maintain awareness of who I am and what’s going on within. When I know where I’m at emotionally, I’m like less likely to react unexpectedly or dramatically. 🙏💚
The older I get, the more I come to believe that improvement in just about anything begins with paying attention with as little judgment as possible. Once I understand a thing, the judgment can always come later, but every improvement begins by noticing first.
Observation of self - especially when I’m away from home and with others - has led me to link attachment and control. When I let go of needing to control what others do then I am less attached to my own desires. And conversely more comfortable with doing what I would like to without any guilt and allow others the same grace.
always scrumptious food for thought. Thank you Don. For me it often comes back to just not taking life so seriously. Letting life happen. I try to imagine a world of feelings without words. Everyday I try to remind myself to feel my body, as one, just be a body. It's a much lighter existence
Nice, Jessica. I was just commenting to another reader that if we lived with awareness and presence in every moment, letting go would not even be necessary! 💚
Dear Don, I really like how you write about Buddhist practice in easy to understand terms. It’s really important to do. As for non-attachment, after many years of formal Zen practice myself I would like to add that paying attention to our attachments and desire is a life long job. I recommend a regular meditation practice daily or weekly, and optimally on retreats a week or longer. It’s really the way to see our habit thinking and realize the incredible depth of it.
So true, Musho, that it’s a life-long job. Thank you for making that point. I think one of the dangers of teaching or writing about Buddhism or mindfulness practice is unintentionally implying that it’s a quick fix, that a reward awaits those who “practice properly.”
For sure, the first ingredient is a heart that passionately wants to understand itself, no matter the rewards.
"Head Researcher in the Department of Self" -- hahaha, that's so good, Don!
I love the way you approach the whole attachment thing from a perspective that it works itself out if we are in an ongoing practice of noticing based in loving kindness. Sometimes the question I hold for myself or, if openness is present, ask another, is: "How's that working for ya?" Because that's really the only thing we need to notice. When we make that a habit, I think we really do start naturally orienting toward things that are more wholesome in us.
This is terrific! As was the one I read yesterday. I am experiencing what you are so beautifully describing—with understanding comes relief. There may still be regret but not guilt. What a relief!
I think the biggest turning point for me was learning to observe myself and all my behaviors objectively, like a researcher, without all my emotions and opinions about what I see getting in the way.
Of course, I still get emotional, but those emotions aren’t primary, or at least they’re not once I remember, and stop clinging to them, which these days happens more quickly. Then they don’t completely obscure my ability to stand back and just see without judgment.
Thanks for checking in, Jimmy. It’s always good to hear from you.
I have written about attachment a lot, and I find much of the time attachment is driven by fear. Fear of loss, fear of being ostracized, for us perfectionists fear of being wrong or imperfect, etc. The idea being if I cling and grasp tightly enough, I can control what happens and I will be safe/okay. I find letting go can only be done through ease, not through force. You can't force yourself to let go, but you can find release from the attachment. I see it as unclenching the fists and allowing the fingers to open.
Yes, I like that word: “allowing.”
I’m also smiling because I’m sure you didn’t mean me when you said “us perfectionists,” but I definitely fit into the group! 😅
I meant me, but it's nice to know I am in great company!!
I’m with you!
you should absolutely count me too!
I’ve just commented about control below rhen read your comment! I agree it plays a big part. And I too love the word allowing. Allow something to be there - don’t have to like it but can allow it. Dropping resistance to ….
Such a good point, Don. When I think of attachment, I also think of attachment theory in social psychology and how our early attachments to primary caregivers often form the way we view ourselves and our relationships with others.
Oh, yes, I’ve been reading about that in a book called You’re Not Listening, about how to be a good listener.
i need to buy that for a few relatives
I need to buy that for *me*!
😅
Haha, me too! 😁
Somehow I absorbed the lesson early on school playgrounds as well as in the classrooms and offices inside. Learning to let schoolyard taunts roll off wasn’t easy but I learned. A teacher complaining that I wasn’t working up to my potential prompted an unspoken challenge of “how do you know what my or anyone’s potential is?” Eventually my compass pointed inward knowing that I would not be able to rely on the world to be fair and knowledgeable.
I’m thrilled that my little essay inspired these thoughts, Robert. Thanks for sharing!
I so love this, "Head Researcher in the Department of Self"! There's something curious, observant, and nonjudgmental about non-attachment, and I really feel your title captures the essence of living in Witness consciousness. Thank you!
Why, thank you, Dr. Lang, I really appreciate that! 🙏💚
No problem, and Lang is great. :🙏🏽💙 I decided to include my title here as I felt it lends some gravitas. I almost didn't though, my relationship with my doctorate is complicated. 😂
I get that, Lang. On the one hand, I never know if someone includes their title if they want to be addressed by it, and I don’t want to be disrespectful. It can also come across sometimes as a little showy or insecure (especially if the name is followed by a zillion letters). But on the other hand, if one’s blog includes medical, psychiatric, therapeutic, or other professional advice, the title goes a long way toward justifying the author’s right and qualifications for offering such advice. 🤷🏻♂️
Much appreciated, Don! My doctorate is in leadership and spiritual formation, and I write on what it means to be fully, freely, and wholly alive, so, in line with what you shared, that's why I include it. And, I always appreciate and feel honored when people, like you, lead with the Dr. Lang. 🫶🏽🙏🏽
Equanimity is a word I'd like to embody more often. It holds so much potential, and I love that its definitions emphasize "especially in stressful situations."
I interacted with a woman last night who told me she'd lost 50 lbs. When I asked about her approach she said "fasting." She went on to explain that she consumes virtually no calories until dinnertime. Impressive, and perhaps a technique that will work for her for the long haul, but I don't think I could ever sustain that. It's important to set realistic expectations with emotions and spiritual practices, too! Loved this accessible lesson, Don. Thanks!
Thanks, Elizabeth! I chose equanimity as my word of the year back in January and it is still important to me. I continue to meditate, and throughout the day try to maintain awareness of who I am and what’s going on within. When I know where I’m at emotionally, I’m like less likely to react unexpectedly or dramatically. 🙏💚
The older I get, the more I come to believe that improvement in just about anything begins with paying attention with as little judgment as possible. Once I understand a thing, the judgment can always come later, but every improvement begins by noticing first.
I agree, Miguel. I think that’s the main thing I’m focusing on; paying attention without judgment! 🙏💚
Observation of self - especially when I’m away from home and with others - has led me to link attachment and control. When I let go of needing to control what others do then I am less attached to my own desires. And conversely more comfortable with doing what I would like to without any guilt and allow others the same grace.
It's really amazing how you start to see how everything is interconnected when you pay attention. Interdependence, I think Thich Nhat Hanh calls it.
Thanks, Jacqui. I'm glad you had a good vacation! (vacation? business trip?)
Don, you’re speaking the unsung truth. Non-attachment isn’t a switch. It’s an archaeology.
We don’t let go by force. We let go because we’ve stared at our attachments long enough to see they’re just glitter-glued mirages on a cardboard ego.
Appointing yourself Head Researcher in the Department of Self is genius. That’s the kind of mindfulness I bow to. Curious, clumsy, compassionate.
Thank you for reminding us that even our clinging is worthy of study, not shame.
Thanks, Aleksander! 🙏💚
Don, I used to try to understand. Now I try to feel. D
always scrumptious food for thought. Thank you Don. For me it often comes back to just not taking life so seriously. Letting life happen. I try to imagine a world of feelings without words. Everyday I try to remind myself to feel my body, as one, just be a body. It's a much lighter existence
Nice, Jessica. I was just commenting to another reader that if we lived with awareness and presence in every moment, letting go would not even be necessary! 💚
Dear Don, I really like how you write about Buddhist practice in easy to understand terms. It’s really important to do. As for non-attachment, after many years of formal Zen practice myself I would like to add that paying attention to our attachments and desire is a life long job. I recommend a regular meditation practice daily or weekly, and optimally on retreats a week or longer. It’s really the way to see our habit thinking and realize the incredible depth of it.
So true, Musho, that it’s a life-long job. Thank you for making that point. I think one of the dangers of teaching or writing about Buddhism or mindfulness practice is unintentionally implying that it’s a quick fix, that a reward awaits those who “practice properly.”
For sure, the first ingredient is a heart that passionately wants to understand itself, no matter the rewards.
Some things are hard to let go off, and some people are hard to let go off even when they are toxic
It’s true, Jo. Our hearts feel what they feel. That’s why I say it’s better not to focus on the letting go, only on observing and understanding. 💚
Haha, Head Researcher in the Department of Self 😂 That's a great way to look at it!
😊 Thanks, Kate!
"Head Researcher in the Department of Self" -- hahaha, that's so good, Don!
I love the way you approach the whole attachment thing from a perspective that it works itself out if we are in an ongoing practice of noticing based in loving kindness. Sometimes the question I hold for myself or, if openness is present, ask another, is: "How's that working for ya?" Because that's really the only thing we need to notice. When we make that a habit, I think we really do start naturally orienting toward things that are more wholesome in us.
Yes! “How’s that working for ya?” You just summarized my essay in five words! 😅
This is terrific! As was the one I read yesterday. I am experiencing what you are so beautifully describing—with understanding comes relief. There may still be regret but not guilt. What a relief!
Thank you so much, Gay! Wonderful to hear from you. 😊🙏
Opposites are often the path to understanding. I also look at my attachments to see how they're causing me to suffer.
I think the biggest turning point for me was learning to observe myself and all my behaviors objectively, like a researcher, without all my emotions and opinions about what I see getting in the way.
Of course, I still get emotional, but those emotions aren’t primary, or at least they’re not once I remember, and stop clinging to them, which these days happens more quickly. Then they don’t completely obscure my ability to stand back and just see without judgment.
Thanks for checking in, Jimmy. It’s always good to hear from you.