Nailing Home Non-Attachment
Creating Habits that Last
A key teaching in Buddhism is non-attachment, letting go. I think most people can understand the benefits of nonattachment—the less you cling, the less you suffer—but I have found that I cannot simply make myself let go, for instance, of caring about what people think of me, just because it’s a good idea. If only life were that simple, right?
No, I think the way to adopt non-attachment is to study attachment. And the best place to study attachment is where one is most familiar with it—right here at home, within the self. I mean really pay attention, over the course of time, to the process of self, how and why the self clings to its desires and desired outcomes, whether or not those desires are realized, where it all leads. By coming to a deeper understanding of what attachment is, and how it nearly always leads to either disappointment or more desires, never quite achieving the satisfaction it’s looking for, letting go slowly begins to come about on its own.
That’s the only way to go about it, I think.
We sometimes beat ourselves up because we think we’re not good meditators, or good mindfulness practitioners, because we still get so frustrated or hurt or angry or disappointed.
I say, don’t worry about it. The body is doing what it was made to do—feeling stuff.
Instead of seeing my thoughts and feelings as something to control, I see them as something to understand. I’ve assigned myself Head Researcher in the Department of Self. It’s a fascinating job. I’m not always good at it, and sometimes my test results are unclear, but over the long run, I’ve found that by understanding myself, I forgive myself more, and I’m a little more able to maintain my equanimity when those difficult feelings come for a visit.
DB 🙏💚
Thank you for reading Shy Guy Meets the Buddha: Reflections on Work, Love, and Nature. If you enjoy these mindfulness-themed biographical essays and would like to show your support, please consider becoming a valued patron for only $5 a month. Or if you like, “Buy me a coffee” is a one-time way to show your generosity. Thank you! 💚
I have written about attachment a lot, and I find much of the time attachment is driven by fear. Fear of loss, fear of being ostracized, for us perfectionists fear of being wrong or imperfect, etc. The idea being if I cling and grasp tightly enough, I can control what happens and I will be safe/okay. I find letting go can only be done through ease, not through force. You can't force yourself to let go, but you can find release from the attachment. I see it as unclenching the fists and allowing the fingers to open.
Such a good point, Don. When I think of attachment, I also think of attachment theory in social psychology and how our early attachments to primary caregivers often form the way we view ourselves and our relationships with others.