Don - applaud your bravery in being vulnerable about this topic. I am sure it wasn't easy to write something you have kept to yourself for many years. Depression and suicide are epidemics that the military really hasn't learned how to deal with even today. Where I work we manage the Navy Casualty Office which handles all the deaths of active-duty personnel. Each morning the first piece of email I see is the list of those who died the previous day either by natural causes, operational action, or other means. Suicides are a surprisingly large number of those deaths.
As someone who has served in uniform for 24 years and considers himself a patriot, I don't have any negative reactions to your military experience. I will be the first to say military service isn't for everyone and while I take pride in my accomplishments in uniform, I don't think that the uniform defines me as a person. I am actually quite excited to see what the next adventure holds after hanging up the uniform this summer.
Having agency over ourselves and owning our personal freedom are powerful things. We choose how our mind responds to situations. Others may be able at times to control our external environment but only we get to decided how we react to that.
Matthew, thank you so much for this understanding and compassionate reply. I will admit that, knowing you are a military man, I was concerned with what you would think of the essay. Not that I’ve ever been given any reason to think you would be anything but supportive!
The one thing I really resented about the army was that they did not have the capacity to see that I was ill placed in the infantry and could have served them well in some other capacity.
I had unknowingly joined their new COHORT program and was not allowed to budge from that association.
It always seemed to me that they were missing out on something huge by not making sure their members were being placed according to their best use.
I will also add that, even though I focus on the empowerment I gained in this essay, I actually battled with shame for many years for the way I got out of the military.
Thanks again, Matthew. You are the best! BTW, I loved your essay today
I wanted to add: thank you for sharing what you do (did lol) in the military. That must be hard, and of course that explains why you are such an empathetic person (or perhaps it's the other way 'round).
Don. This is a difficult subject and I honor and appreciate you for sharing. Escape is a natural and deeply imbedded response humans share with most animals, birds, fish, and insects, the whole fight flight thing. Fight isn’t often the feasible option at least not for me as a small child. As the youngest of four boys 20 years apart in age, born to older parents who had intended to stop having children 10 years before I came along and they liked to remind me I was a mistake and how much better things would be if I hadn’t come along. This created a confused and scary environment for a little boy, unwelcome by both parents and siblings. Fight was rarely an option and flight rarely got me very far immediately or in the long run. As I grew, so did the abuse emotionally, verbally and worse physically. Most often the woods worked as a refuge with the intention of never going home again, however three days was my longest escape to the woods at 8 years old, to my surprise and relief it seemed like they didn’t realize I had been gone. In my fantasy world I came up with the idea of dying as an escape. I’d heard my mother talk about suicide as a solution to her misery. As a boy I didn’t have a plan or the courage to follow through if I did. I could only hope for an accident, which caused me to be a risk-taking, accident prone little boy. Injuries, although not consciously intentional, I hoped might extract some empathy or compassion, but usually resulted in the opposite, as my parents would be inconvenienced by my broken bones or need for stitches. The important point I want to make here is that suicidal ideation provided me with a safety valve, ie., “If it gets too bad I can always off myself.” This was a comfort, safety valve or backup plan, this was the one place in my world I had any power. As I grew into an adolescent, my acting out brought consequences less from my family and more from the establishment and the penal system. However these difficulties rarely caused me to take comfort in my backup plan instead I enjoyed the adrenaline rushes. During my 20’s, drugs and alcohol were my escape, although my old friend suicide ideation was there if needed. Into my thirties and sobriety, life took on a more serious responsible tone. Once again my difficulties invoked my safety valve and during especially challenging times I was revisited by the thought I always have a way out, an escape, a safety valve. Through divorce, loneliness, confusion, facing and healing the damage of childhood I always had this secret perverted tool. I never made a plan or an attempt to implement it but I never rid myself of it either. Gratefully it rarely invades my life any more as I think it has become less needed. I find it is most likely to rear its head when I’m focused on the past or future and since those don’t exist my old friend isn’t needed. Never when I’m present am I in need of an escape. At 70 years old I look back with gratitude for what ever it took to get me here. And I thank that clever little boy for doing the best he could. ❤️
"Never when I’m present am I in need of an escape."
That's a very, very good point, Doug. Thank you for sharing all of this. This point, though, just hit me strongly. Of course, I've been practicing mindfulness and meditation for some years now, but once in a while you get hit with yet another way of looking, and this is one.
I am going to contemplate this point today. Thank you!
A brave share, Don. I'm trying to be similarly brave in my response. To be honest, I closed this post a number of times after reading the trigger warning (thanks for that) but I have been pondering the issue of opening up in my own writing and how far to share my story and I am trying to follow your lead on this. My husband did take his own life, twelve years ago when our daughter was a baby. It has taken me till now to realise that, for him, it may have been a sense of empowerment that finally led him to do it; sense like you describe that it was HIS life, and he could make that choice. And it has taken me twelve years to start to realise I'm still here and this is MY life to do with as I wish. I write this here because his death and the chaos surrounding it was what brought me back to creativity, art and - now, finally, - writing. I have been wrestling with a post of my own that explains this, not wanting to hide behind oblique references to 'trauma' and 'loss'. There is so much shame around suicide - thinking of it, doing it, losing someone to it - and the shame is so damaging that any steps like yours here to create an open discussion around the issues are to be welcomed with open hearts, which the comments on here seem to do. Namaste.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. And sorry for your daughter. I had a girlfriend in Michigan some years ago whose father had taken his life and I saw how profoundly it can affect the whole family. (Have you seen Niki's comment on this thread?)
In regards to writing a post about it, I understand that the more complex and traumatizing and recent the experience, the more difficult it will be to write about. In good time, Julie. Your comment about oblique references... that's okay! It's your preparation period. I have obliquely referenced a more recent and traumatic experience of my own that I am not ready to write about, involving a shockingly bad divorce and being separated from my two children for years. I don't think I'm nearly ready to write about that because it still hurts (I see my children now but being separated from them through their school years took something away that I don't think is coming back.)
Thank you so much for writing, for telling me how you responded to this essay (your response to the "warning"... that alone is powerful, palpable, emotion-wrenching.)
Please keep in touch. And keep writing about your art; I think it's taking you somewhere!
Don, this was powerful to read. It brought me back to high school, reminding me of how hard the military tried to recruit me. They were clever in what they offered, and how they incentivized. In the end, I knew it wasn't a place for me. Each of our paths are different, but the fact that you discovered so much about yourself in such a dark place shows how strong your heart and mind are. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. I hope it shines a light on a different path for another young person faced with similar choices.
Thank you, Troy. I truly appreciate your thoughtful reading. That would make it worth sharing, wouldn't it, if just one confused young person found his or her choice a little clearer.
Troy wrote, "...you discovered so much about yourself in such a dark place." This is a powerful, precious reminder, for me, today. We are -- or more honestly, I have been -- pressured and repeatedly shamed into thinking that the "dark" in ourselves is to be avoided or escaped from -- take a pill, have a drink, go shopping, work too many hours in a draining job where few show any interest in the 90 percent of you that is below the surface -- rather than sat with and mined for its treasures. My own very sporadic dabblings in writing and Substack sharing are tiny hints of my own attempts at sitting with and mining. Thank you both for the hope you gave today (the day I read and write in).
I love this article, Don. This sentence made me laugh: (I guess I’m not allowed to work for the government, but I never wanted to be a mailman anyway.)
This morning I got an email from one of my readers that really touched me. I'd like to share it with you:
"Dear Tina,
When I read your 2 posts I was overwhelmed by how fiercely and clearly the voice of your soul was speaking out. I had not been clear about how to communicate with you what I was feeling. And this morning I drew a card from the ‘Work your Light Oracle Cards’ by Rebecca Campbell which I thought had been for me, but, in fact, it expressed exactly that which I had wanted to share with you.
"I feel that you have unconsciously and courageously worked toward this moment, using your art and your way of being in the world, to allow your deep and ultimately real self to emerge.
"Below I am quoting the card:
Share your Voice: Come out of the cave. Persecution. Expression
"You are being called to share your voice through writing, speaking or some other form of creative expression.
"We each hold a truth deep within us that longs to be expressed. Sculpted for lifetimes, the voice of the soul is like no other. It carries with it wisdom that can only be gained through soul history and growth. By remembering and expressing this unique tone we not only heal ourselves, we also heal the planet at large.
"When you share your voice, you unlock something in the Universe and call a missing piece of you home. Your individual voice is the most powerful sound current on the planet which can truly be life changing for you.
"As we shed the layers of our personality and start letting our unique soul speak through us, we discover that we actually have a very clear message that longs to be shared. The more it is spoken, the clearer it gets.
"As we each share our voice, we make it easier for the next person to do the same."
Tina, thank you for sharing this with me. I truly appreciate it. I especially like that last part, "...we discover that we actually have a very clear message that longs to be shared. The more it is spoken, the clearer it gets."
I will take that to heart because I have never felt so purposeful and complete as I do as a writer here. It's all coming clear as I move forward. I copied your entire comment into my journal!
Wow, Colorado Springs, that brings back some memories. I went through the Air Force Academy there, 4 of the darkest years of my life. I also didn’t have the temperament for it, but it was the only path I could come up with at that time to effectively escape my home situation.
I am stunned that your moment contemplating suicide led you to a place of freedom, instead. That’s amazing and I’m so glad - you never do know where windows of hope or truth will open in a person’s journey.
I can see from the many comments here (and many very heartfelt comments) that you have certainly struck a chord, and I am so glad you shared. Suicidal thoughts and other mental struggles are so hidden and taboo, and their hold is stronger for it. The more light we bring to the subject, and perhaps the more we are able to bring own struggles out into the light, the better for us all.
I do! I spent 7 years on active duty after graduation, actually, and that's a very long story. Active duty was less constantly-dark than the Academy. I did well in terms of my job & career, but personally, I still had a lot of hard times. I hit my own moment of truth about 5 years in - I was increasingly struggling with my free time, drinking too much, partying too much. I realized suddenly that if something didn't change, it was going to ruin or kill me. In that moment, I realized that God was real, and that it really was possible to change my life if I wanted to. And I did. My self-destructive coping finally ended; I started running; I got my MBA; and then I met a kind and caring husband. As we prepared to start a family, the Air Force entered a downsizing phase, and I applied to voluntarily separate. The timing couldn't have been better, I couldn't have been happier to put the military behind me, and I do also happen to get some useful VA benefits :) Looking back, it's so easy to see how all the pieces lined up and fell into place. In the thick middle of it all, I just remember the enormity of the desperation, and the flood of gratitude and freedom when that window of hope and truth opened :)
So you had your moment, even if a stretched-out one, of transformation as well. so glad to hear about your turn-around. Thank you for sharing, Sydney. 🩷
You are a very brave man to expose your experience. Not all are cut out for the brutality of the military. Being a proud veteran my self, I have seen my share of of AWOL and yes, even attempted suicide. Thank you for sharing Don.💕
I’m so glad you are here, and writing! It’s a gift to your readers and, I’m sure, to yourself. Thank you. I feel like we are friends thanks to your authentic voice and deeply resonant subjects.
Don - applaud your bravery in being vulnerable about this topic. I am sure it wasn't easy to write something you have kept to yourself for many years. Depression and suicide are epidemics that the military really hasn't learned how to deal with even today. Where I work we manage the Navy Casualty Office which handles all the deaths of active-duty personnel. Each morning the first piece of email I see is the list of those who died the previous day either by natural causes, operational action, or other means. Suicides are a surprisingly large number of those deaths.
As someone who has served in uniform for 24 years and considers himself a patriot, I don't have any negative reactions to your military experience. I will be the first to say military service isn't for everyone and while I take pride in my accomplishments in uniform, I don't think that the uniform defines me as a person. I am actually quite excited to see what the next adventure holds after hanging up the uniform this summer.
Having agency over ourselves and owning our personal freedom are powerful things. We choose how our mind responds to situations. Others may be able at times to control our external environment but only we get to decided how we react to that.
Thanks for sharing your story and all the best.
Matthew, thank you so much for this understanding and compassionate reply. I will admit that, knowing you are a military man, I was concerned with what you would think of the essay. Not that I’ve ever been given any reason to think you would be anything but supportive!
The one thing I really resented about the army was that they did not have the capacity to see that I was ill placed in the infantry and could have served them well in some other capacity.
I had unknowingly joined their new COHORT program and was not allowed to budge from that association.
It always seemed to me that they were missing out on something huge by not making sure their members were being placed according to their best use.
I will also add that, even though I focus on the empowerment I gained in this essay, I actually battled with shame for many years for the way I got out of the military.
Thanks again, Matthew. You are the best! BTW, I loved your essay today
I wanted to add: thank you for sharing what you do (did lol) in the military. That must be hard, and of course that explains why you are such an empathetic person (or perhaps it's the other way 'round).
Don. This is a difficult subject and I honor and appreciate you for sharing. Escape is a natural and deeply imbedded response humans share with most animals, birds, fish, and insects, the whole fight flight thing. Fight isn’t often the feasible option at least not for me as a small child. As the youngest of four boys 20 years apart in age, born to older parents who had intended to stop having children 10 years before I came along and they liked to remind me I was a mistake and how much better things would be if I hadn’t come along. This created a confused and scary environment for a little boy, unwelcome by both parents and siblings. Fight was rarely an option and flight rarely got me very far immediately or in the long run. As I grew, so did the abuse emotionally, verbally and worse physically. Most often the woods worked as a refuge with the intention of never going home again, however three days was my longest escape to the woods at 8 years old, to my surprise and relief it seemed like they didn’t realize I had been gone. In my fantasy world I came up with the idea of dying as an escape. I’d heard my mother talk about suicide as a solution to her misery. As a boy I didn’t have a plan or the courage to follow through if I did. I could only hope for an accident, which caused me to be a risk-taking, accident prone little boy. Injuries, although not consciously intentional, I hoped might extract some empathy or compassion, but usually resulted in the opposite, as my parents would be inconvenienced by my broken bones or need for stitches. The important point I want to make here is that suicidal ideation provided me with a safety valve, ie., “If it gets too bad I can always off myself.” This was a comfort, safety valve or backup plan, this was the one place in my world I had any power. As I grew into an adolescent, my acting out brought consequences less from my family and more from the establishment and the penal system. However these difficulties rarely caused me to take comfort in my backup plan instead I enjoyed the adrenaline rushes. During my 20’s, drugs and alcohol were my escape, although my old friend suicide ideation was there if needed. Into my thirties and sobriety, life took on a more serious responsible tone. Once again my difficulties invoked my safety valve and during especially challenging times I was revisited by the thought I always have a way out, an escape, a safety valve. Through divorce, loneliness, confusion, facing and healing the damage of childhood I always had this secret perverted tool. I never made a plan or an attempt to implement it but I never rid myself of it either. Gratefully it rarely invades my life any more as I think it has become less needed. I find it is most likely to rear its head when I’m focused on the past or future and since those don’t exist my old friend isn’t needed. Never when I’m present am I in need of an escape. At 70 years old I look back with gratitude for what ever it took to get me here. And I thank that clever little boy for doing the best he could. ❤️
"Never when I’m present am I in need of an escape."
That's a very, very good point, Doug. Thank you for sharing all of this. This point, though, just hit me strongly. Of course, I've been practicing mindfulness and meditation for some years now, but once in a while you get hit with yet another way of looking, and this is one.
I am going to contemplate this point today. Thank you!
Thanks for the restack, @Paul Wittenberger !
A brave share, Don. I'm trying to be similarly brave in my response. To be honest, I closed this post a number of times after reading the trigger warning (thanks for that) but I have been pondering the issue of opening up in my own writing and how far to share my story and I am trying to follow your lead on this. My husband did take his own life, twelve years ago when our daughter was a baby. It has taken me till now to realise that, for him, it may have been a sense of empowerment that finally led him to do it; sense like you describe that it was HIS life, and he could make that choice. And it has taken me twelve years to start to realise I'm still here and this is MY life to do with as I wish. I write this here because his death and the chaos surrounding it was what brought me back to creativity, art and - now, finally, - writing. I have been wrestling with a post of my own that explains this, not wanting to hide behind oblique references to 'trauma' and 'loss'. There is so much shame around suicide - thinking of it, doing it, losing someone to it - and the shame is so damaging that any steps like yours here to create an open discussion around the issues are to be welcomed with open hearts, which the comments on here seem to do. Namaste.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. And sorry for your daughter. I had a girlfriend in Michigan some years ago whose father had taken his life and I saw how profoundly it can affect the whole family. (Have you seen Niki's comment on this thread?)
In regards to writing a post about it, I understand that the more complex and traumatizing and recent the experience, the more difficult it will be to write about. In good time, Julie. Your comment about oblique references... that's okay! It's your preparation period. I have obliquely referenced a more recent and traumatic experience of my own that I am not ready to write about, involving a shockingly bad divorce and being separated from my two children for years. I don't think I'm nearly ready to write about that because it still hurts (I see my children now but being separated from them through their school years took something away that I don't think is coming back.)
Thank you so much for writing, for telling me how you responded to this essay (your response to the "warning"... that alone is powerful, palpable, emotion-wrenching.)
Please keep in touch. And keep writing about your art; I think it's taking you somewhere!
Thank you for your kind encouragement, Don.
Don, this was powerful to read. It brought me back to high school, reminding me of how hard the military tried to recruit me. They were clever in what they offered, and how they incentivized. In the end, I knew it wasn't a place for me. Each of our paths are different, but the fact that you discovered so much about yourself in such a dark place shows how strong your heart and mind are. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. I hope it shines a light on a different path for another young person faced with similar choices.
Thank you, Troy. I truly appreciate your thoughtful reading. That would make it worth sharing, wouldn't it, if just one confused young person found his or her choice a little clearer.
Troy wrote, "...you discovered so much about yourself in such a dark place." This is a powerful, precious reminder, for me, today. We are -- or more honestly, I have been -- pressured and repeatedly shamed into thinking that the "dark" in ourselves is to be avoided or escaped from -- take a pill, have a drink, go shopping, work too many hours in a draining job where few show any interest in the 90 percent of you that is below the surface -- rather than sat with and mined for its treasures. My own very sporadic dabblings in writing and Substack sharing are tiny hints of my own attempts at sitting with and mining. Thank you both for the hope you gave today (the day I read and write in).
I'm so glad you found this today. Keep in touch, friend! 🙏💚
Wishing you safe passage in those dark places, and that you know the moments to step back and put some sunlight on your face.
I love this article, Don. This sentence made me laugh: (I guess I’m not allowed to work for the government, but I never wanted to be a mailman anyway.)
Thanks, Harley. I'm glad you found humor in one sentence that I considered removing haha!
I just have a weird sense of humor. My family tease me about it.
🤣
Thank you for sharing your story, and indeed, your heart. I'm sure you have reached and impacted many with these words. You are a very good writer.
Thank you so much, Nancy. I really appreciate your kind words and the fact that you took a few moments to express them!
Beautifully written, and a much-needed read for me today. Thank you for sharing, Don.
Thank you very much, Mel. Cold on Cape today!
Sure is!
Writing about my pain is the piano that fell on my head. Writing is what saved my life.
So glad you’ve found healing through writing, Tina! 🩷
This morning I got an email from one of my readers that really touched me. I'd like to share it with you:
"Dear Tina,
When I read your 2 posts I was overwhelmed by how fiercely and clearly the voice of your soul was speaking out. I had not been clear about how to communicate with you what I was feeling. And this morning I drew a card from the ‘Work your Light Oracle Cards’ by Rebecca Campbell which I thought had been for me, but, in fact, it expressed exactly that which I had wanted to share with you.
"I feel that you have unconsciously and courageously worked toward this moment, using your art and your way of being in the world, to allow your deep and ultimately real self to emerge.
"Below I am quoting the card:
Share your Voice: Come out of the cave. Persecution. Expression
"You are being called to share your voice through writing, speaking or some other form of creative expression.
"We each hold a truth deep within us that longs to be expressed. Sculpted for lifetimes, the voice of the soul is like no other. It carries with it wisdom that can only be gained through soul history and growth. By remembering and expressing this unique tone we not only heal ourselves, we also heal the planet at large.
"When you share your voice, you unlock something in the Universe and call a missing piece of you home. Your individual voice is the most powerful sound current on the planet which can truly be life changing for you.
"As we shed the layers of our personality and start letting our unique soul speak through us, we discover that we actually have a very clear message that longs to be shared. The more it is spoken, the clearer it gets.
"As we each share our voice, we make it easier for the next person to do the same."
Tina, thank you for sharing this with me. I truly appreciate it. I especially like that last part, "...we discover that we actually have a very clear message that longs to be shared. The more it is spoken, the clearer it gets."
I will take that to heart because I have never felt so purposeful and complete as I do as a writer here. It's all coming clear as I move forward. I copied your entire comment into my journal!
Thank you!
You might enjoy this: https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/julia-keller
Listening to the podcast you shared. Relevant and interesting. Thank you!
Thanks Dan. I’ll give that a listen tomorrow. :-)
Well put.
The fine finish work of a good carpenter.
Thanks, Malcolm. Nice analogy! :-)
Thought you might.
Love the smile on that final photo.
Thank you for sharing, Don. I’m so glad you pushed through - both then and now.
Thank you, Holly. :-) And thanks for being here. I enjoyed your most recent interview/essay and am looking forward to reading more!
Thank you! I'm looking forward to more of your work as well, Don.
Thank you for sharing your journey
Thank you for reading. I really appreciate it. And thanks for subscribing!
Wow, Colorado Springs, that brings back some memories. I went through the Air Force Academy there, 4 of the darkest years of my life. I also didn’t have the temperament for it, but it was the only path I could come up with at that time to effectively escape my home situation.
I am stunned that your moment contemplating suicide led you to a place of freedom, instead. That’s amazing and I’m so glad - you never do know where windows of hope or truth will open in a person’s journey.
I can see from the many comments here (and many very heartfelt comments) that you have certainly struck a chord, and I am so glad you shared. Suicidal thoughts and other mental struggles are so hidden and taboo, and their hold is stronger for it. The more light we bring to the subject, and perhaps the more we are able to bring own struggles out into the light, the better for us all.
Thank you so much for this, Sydney. That is how I would describe my time in the military: "the darkest years of my life."
Glad you got through the four; you probably get to benefit from the VA at least!
I do! I spent 7 years on active duty after graduation, actually, and that's a very long story. Active duty was less constantly-dark than the Academy. I did well in terms of my job & career, but personally, I still had a lot of hard times. I hit my own moment of truth about 5 years in - I was increasingly struggling with my free time, drinking too much, partying too much. I realized suddenly that if something didn't change, it was going to ruin or kill me. In that moment, I realized that God was real, and that it really was possible to change my life if I wanted to. And I did. My self-destructive coping finally ended; I started running; I got my MBA; and then I met a kind and caring husband. As we prepared to start a family, the Air Force entered a downsizing phase, and I applied to voluntarily separate. The timing couldn't have been better, I couldn't have been happier to put the military behind me, and I do also happen to get some useful VA benefits :) Looking back, it's so easy to see how all the pieces lined up and fell into place. In the thick middle of it all, I just remember the enormity of the desperation, and the flood of gratitude and freedom when that window of hope and truth opened :)
So you had your moment, even if a stretched-out one, of transformation as well. so glad to hear about your turn-around. Thank you for sharing, Sydney. 🩷
You are a very brave man to expose your experience. Not all are cut out for the brutality of the military. Being a proud veteran my self, I have seen my share of of AWOL and yes, even attempted suicide. Thank you for sharing Don.💕
Thank you, Bill. It’s affirming to hear from veterans like you. I am very grateful!
I’m so glad you are here, and writing! It’s a gift to your readers and, I’m sure, to yourself. Thank you. I feel like we are friends thanks to your authentic voice and deeply resonant subjects.
Thank you so much, Jessica. That's a compliment of the highest order!