This is a brave post, Don. I don't mean just politically, but also humanly. It's not giving up on what could be, it's truly showing up to what is. That takes guts. Thanks for leading the way.
Thanks for noticing, Kelly. I was a little hesitant as to how readers would respond to this way of looking, which could be misinterpreted as defeatist or hopeless. I see it it as liberating and hopeful! Thanks so much, Kelly! 🙏💚
I know the feeling of pushing the edge of my readers' comfort zone, and then waiting for the response. That in-between space is part of the bravery. Well done!
Kelly, these were my thoughts, too. In a time and culture where the middle ground is not celebrated, and strong opinions glorified, it's uncommon to find those, like Don, who consistently promote acceptance (not to be confused with approval!).
By the way, and I hope I'm not being presumptuous here, I couldn't help noticing your delightfully Irish-sounding name. I married into my Irish, but it's a strong thread in my husband's family, as was the tendency to stop speaking to members of their big families over some perceived offense or other. It seems comfort zones have been carefully guarded for millennia.
Oh, I didn’t know that was a thing, Elizabeth! But it seems to hold true here as well, at least on my grandfather’s part. When my mom was 10, he moved to California (opposite side of the country) and remarried and never reached out to her again. It was only through a half-sister’s efforts that she was reunited with him as an adult. I only met him once.
Like the uncle my late FIL discovered while visiting the opposite coast. He made a habit of checking the phonebook for last names. That time, he called the one he found. No one in the family had ever mentioned him.
It’s oddly comforting to accept that we don’t have to fight every battle or fix everything—that we can focus on living peacefully without carrying the weight of the world!
Playgrounds in the 1950s and early 1960s were much the same though perhaps the response was a little bit different. My experience arc seemed to shift from being the one the bullies came after to being the one suspected of bullying (meaning, I won the last fight). I knew that society was changing when I realized that in my suburban midwestern neighborhood my kid brother and I had somehow become the 'neighborhood toughs' - in part because we generally didn't back down and we finished our fights before the mothers intervened. But I always insisted on what we called 'bare knuckles' - I wasn't impressed if you had to resort to a weapon in your hand. The highpoint of my victimhood was the bully telling me "quit getting up". The highpoint of my bullying came in a highschool fight in which my accumulated experience enable a display of footwork, jabs, uppercuts, etc. that resulted in a fight in which I was never seriously hit. It was also about that time that I realized that the sum total value of all of this fighting was absolutely zero - it had no moral value and proved absolutely nothing about any greater argument. "Trial by combat" was bullshit. I still recognize that the world we live in sometimes requires self-defense. I've also reached an age at which I'm probably better served by self- and situational awareness than I would be by any residual skills of selfdefense. What I don't know is whether there any easier way other than experience to learn these lessons.
I got a couple of good hits in, too, and I am shamefully still proud of successfully standing up for myself, but in general, I really hated fighting, and I did get bullied a lot in high school and my freshman year of college.. I still feel bad for a punching a bully who was teasing a girl and it turned out he wasn’t all that tough and started crying when I hit him (I was only about 12.)
What an amazing reflection Robert. Truly. Thank you for taking the time to write that. A vulnerable piece but essential—the conclusion you draw was always the lesson I tried to teach whenever I had to intervene in a playground bullying or fighting issue (when I was a teacher/principal). Personal stories like that are incredibly meaningful—have you written more about that elsewhere?
Only in the sense that as The Military Philosopher I usually include discussion upon both the seeming inevitability of war in our history and the fundamental folly it represents.
BTW, I am remiss. When I was a principal, one of my favorite school assemblies was our Veteran’s Day assembly. We invited the communities Veterans to join us; invited them all to come to the stage to be honored by our kids as they each would take a turn at the mic introducing themselves and their branch of service. Seeing their pride always brought tears. I would remind the kids that, whenever they were in the presence of a Veteran, to simply say to them “Thank you for your service to our country.” Just eight words was all they really needed (both the student and the Veteran). So, I say to you Robert, thank you for your service to our country.
When we unite against bullies, they slink away, defeated, knowing their bluster is not welcome in our community. "Hate has no place here" is such a good reminder. As for so many forms of hate which are intended to defeat and destroy, it's often unresolved anger inside that is released outwardly by bad behaviors. Understanding is only the first step. The second step is to resist and the third is to overcome. The lessons of history are clear, and painful.
Thank you very much for your further insights, Gary. I will admit that as I was writing this essay I was aware that hatred is not something we can label and dismiss. There are many fear-based causes and none of them are that a person is just evil. I decided not to go into that for now. 🙂 Just dealing with something more inward in this essay; the liberation of non-resistance.
Yes, there's a time for all things and no one knows better than a pacifist about peaceful, non-resistance. Those of us who have experienced the vitriol and hatred of others have to choose how we respond, and one response is not to respond. Don't get caught up in an endless and meaningless debate or "battle" whether of words or weapons. Another position is "never again" which means we cannot allow those who want control and label others as "the enemy" to be in a position of power that labels people as less than human. It's personal as well as political for me and each one of us has to decide where we stand, or sit. Elie Wiesel, who survived the holocaust, said to a group of us one evening, "If you want to know what evil is, put a face on it".
The cyclical lines about loss, love, war, and death end with “When will they ever learn?” Remember that song, "Where Have All The Flowers Gone?"
I’m absolutely with you on “never again” Gary! I may be a pacifist, but I’m no doormat! And I am absolutely in favor of preventing those who would spoil things for everyone else from having any power whatsoever.
My mom used to be full of those old sayings, as well as superstitions, like if your hand is itchy someone is coming to visit, or something like that. I wish I had written them all down. Now she is losing her memory. 😞
My mother and both grandmothers had a lot of those sayings - there’s a name for them, I think they’re called old wives’ tales. One I heard often was if your nose itches it means someone is thinking about you. There are hundreds of those expressions, some with some truth, many not based on facts. How about an apple a day keeps the doctor away? I had an apple this morning and went to the doctor this afternoon. Just sayin’…….
Your story about the schoolyard bully resonated with me. It's funny how those early experiences can stick with us. I had a similar encounter, and it took me years to realize that the fear I felt wasn't just about the bully, but about my own perceived weakness. It's a powerful reminder that we all carry wounds, some visible, some hidden.
Thank you, Alexander! It’s true about carrying wounds, and it’s funny how each person remembers what influenced them the most. If my friend Nick was alive I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t remember this incident. Same goes for the one who did the punching.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment, Alexander! 🙏💚
Thank you for writing this Don. I’m reminded by your perspective that when we “hate” and “resist” we are generating negative energy. Not something to stand for.
And this is a profound perspective:
“And believe it or not, there was even some equanimity around that. The history of society includes a cycle of benevolent leaders and destructive despots. This is where I’m thankful for the fact that all things are impermanent.”
I really like how you put that, James: "Surrender yet maintain intention." Well said! And I'm totally with you on the negative energy. The energy behind our thoughts, words, and deeds matters just as much, if not more, than what we think, say, or do; because energy is contagious.
This resonates deeply Don. Working in the mental health and trauma field I hear more than my fair share of stories of the darker side of humanity. I tend to come back to the principle that where there is light there is dark, it is the yin and yang of human nature and of life. And I try to keep turning my awareness towards the light and the beauty, which is always present in abundance if we look for it.
That reminds me of a Note posted by Satya Robin this morning. She says she was on her hands and knees in the backyard, grumpily scooping up dog poo, when she suddenly noticed all the tiny flowers in the grass. 🙏💚
This made me wonder, so I’ll ask: Do you draw a distinction between “hatred exists,” and “hatred has a place here?” That second phrase is what I struggle with. Are there any places in which hatred does not have a place? When hatred arises, what must be the proper response?
Don, I love essays that push my thinking—this one certainly did. My second wonder, being a career teacher, is to wonder about Michael F. I know how bullies get created—he was taught. He learned. He was hurting because I have to believe “only hurt people hurt people.” Maybe that points to another truism: compassion must coexist with hatred, else all is lost and nothing shall live.
That’s a very good question, Kert, and I have to admit that I thought about this too late. There are two definitions or interpretations for the phrase “has a place here.“ The sign’s intended definition, which I support, is “not allowed here” and my epiphany, which was somehow brought about by reading the sign, was about the second definition; “exists here.“ I should have made it clearer that my realization was not in opposition to the sign’s message,
In regards to the bully in my story, I chose to just tell the story as seen from my ten-year-old eyes. Looking back, I have nothing but empathy for that poor boy. I do hope it is understood that the “criminal“ comment is from that perspective.
Thank you for the questions, Kert. I would much prefer the opportunity to answer questions than for someone to misinterpret my essay. You have a good heart! 🙏💚
You are always kind and I trusted you would interpret my questions from the heart-space they came from. Your response makes complete sense, thank you.
But your writing continues to push my thinking. I’ve been playing with some word play with what Buddha said about suffering “In life, there is suffering,” in his Four Noble Truths, and instead substituting the word “hatred” for suffering. The Four Noble Truths still work perfectly! (My “duh” moment of the day). The conclusion I’m drawing from that reflection is that, yes, hatred exists but it doesn’t have to exist in this place provided we abide by the Noble Eightfold Path. When one does that, hatred cannot exist (at least in the place I’m inhabiting—right here, right now.)
Gosh we’d have great conversation if ever we enjoyed together a coffee some lazy morning, just after dawn, on someone’s Cape Cod deck.
Do you mean that it cannot exist in your own heart When following the eightfold path, or that you would not recognize it as hatred when it appeared before you?
Great question—helps me to get clearer. I would say since spiritual growth is purely an inside job, if I was practicing the path correctly, and understood it well, then hatred could not penetrate my being, even as I recognize its existence outside of me. I think this is true, right? (I cannot imagine you disagree in the least). Hatred comes from a number of various places, many of which should, in those with wise hearts and views, give rise to compassion: places of fear, ignorance, or blind obedience to a cult of personality. All attachments. (Boy that Buddha guy sure knew what he was saying!). I cannot remember who said it, unfortunately, (maybe an imprisoned Tibetan monk upon his release), but it always resonated with me: “I do not hate my captors. Were I to hate those who imprisoned me long ago, they’d still have me in prison.”
So true, Kert. I like that. It reminds me of another Buddhist story you may have heard about a monk who carries a woman across the river. Many hours later, his partner reprimands him for touching a woman. The first monk replies “I put the woman down many hours ago. You’re still carrying her.”
Wow Don, this couldn’t have come at a better moment for me, as I too have been caught in the crosshairs of this. I can’t seem to drive by these Trump flags & signs and wonder what are these people thinking or drive by a business and think well I’m not going to go there. The realization is that they could think the same of me. So I will try to remind myself, as I do in my daily meditation, that may all beings be filled with loving kindness and free from suffering.
Thanks, Lance! I will be honest with you; I would not go into a business that had a Trump sign out front. Not as punishment, but just to protect myself from a possible aggressive or insensitive person.
But, yes, it is worth coming to terms with one’s own resistance or denial around others supporting of dangerous or cruel people.
I’m trying very hard, but seeing the hatred, ridicule, lies, narcissism, stupidity, lack of morals & cruelty that are exhibited each and every time Trump opens his mouth and still all these people line up like lemmings supporting him makes me want to scream “wake up”!!!
I had written out this scenario of seeing human beings and their behaviors as an anthropologist might or an alien visiting earth. I was going to include it in this essay, but it got too long and I decided not to.
I think that because we are humans ourselves, and are so deeply immersed in the story, it’s hard to accept the parts of the story that we don’t think belong. We want the story to match our vision of it.
I am really not sure what the answer is. There are two options that I can think of, but is either one possible? I don’t know, what do you think?
1) See that the potential for hatred or violence is in all of us. If our upbringing and conditioning had been different we could have manifested that negativity ourselves
2) Scrutinize very closely why we are attached to our vision of how humanity should be, and hopefully, when we understand what our own motivations are, we can release our attachments.
You are a very good writer and the concept of impermanence is refreshing and encouraging at this time when it appears that someone in the Pentagon felt compelled to steal and release information that could lead to the destruction of Israel.
There is no strong and compassionate female candidate for POTUS, however, and it is troubling to see you slipping into meditations on Marxism.
Thanks for the… compliment? I’ve never read any Marxism and do not have a working knowledge of its tenets, so if I’m slipping into it, it’s parallel independent thinking. 😊🙏
I have no intention of turning the Comments section into a useless and pointless discussion of politics. I am aware that the early Christians (according to the Bible) shared everything amongst themselves. Unlike the Kamala Harris'es of the world, they did not take from others to guarantee equity among the outsiders and wealth for themselves.
That's such an interesting insight Don, it's really made me think; it's like taking a couple of steps aside to get a different view of something and even a small shift can alter the perspective or reveal some hidden detail. I hope your argument was satisfactorily resolved! But it's comforting to know you have them too! Thank you.
Thank you, Liz. These ideas are a little bit of a shift, aren’t they? I was a little concerned how they would be taken and I’m glad to see that so far they have been taken well.
Yes, the argument was resolved. And it’s funny that you say that it’s comforting to know you’re not the only one. I let my wife read this essay before publishing it and she brought up my mentioning our argument. I told her that people feel comforted, knowing they’re not the only one! In the end, she did say she was OK with it. I wouldn’t have published it otherwise. 🩷🩷
I loved this, Don. I know when I resist the reality of differing opinions, perspectives and when I see others leading with hate, it rips into my energy. And I easily get depleted (mentally, physically & spiritually). I appreciate this reminder that on the other side of surrender is peace. And if we all find our own way to peace, perhaps hate is less tenacious.
Also (side note) have you ever visited New Bedford Antiques at the Cove? My son had to take his SATs in New Bedford this past summer and I stumbled upon it while waiting for him. I got lost in there and loved it. Worth a visit!
Thank you, Allison! And thank you for using the term “surrender.“ It is a word that I meant to include in the essay because it is basically the essay’s theme. You’re right: on the other side of surrender is peace.
I have not been to that antique center! Too bad, too, because I was just right near there. I was taking a look at the giant turbines that are being assembled for shipping out into the bay. Looking up the antique shop on the map, I noticed there is also a bookseller in the same building. I’ve got to go there soon!
Don, it was moving to return to your work now that I’m also passing by those signs in SE Mass, on the other side of the election. It makes me think of a short piece I read recently in “True Peace Work” by Thich Nhat Hahn, in which he imagines Mara (who might represent hate in this case, or one of the other Three Poisons) being friends with the Buddha. If there is enlightenment, he reasons, then there has to be something representing un-enlightenment. I wrote a bit about what I notice in terms of how these forces ebb and flow in groups in my world of ed, and how leaders in communities can still try to bring balance: https://open.substack.com/pub/ryanroseweaver/p/rebuilding-the-village-was-never
I agree that this work starts within, too. Hopefully I can join you in that at one of the next IMS gatherings upcoming on the Cape!
I’ll check out your online group, Ryan. I’ll try like heck, anyway! My meditation group also meets twice a month online, but I hardly ever attend those.
My thoughts about my meditation group I think are more about my relationship to Buddhism than about the group specifically. You might like the group so I don’t want to influence you.
I would love to meet for coffee sometime! Or perhaps I’ll just walk in sometime when you’re on your laptop. :-)
Hi, Ryan. Thanks for reading and commenting. I just read your essay; it was excellent. You're a really good writer! Healthy vs unhealthy conflict is thought-provoking for me, as I am going through some family therapy with my 31-year-old son now.
I'm curious which town you have taken up temporary residence in? I live in Hyannis on the Cape but my wife's family has a small cottage in Westport where they all gather each summer. (It was there I was driving when I wrote about seeing the political yard signs).
Don, thank you for the kind words! We are in Barnstable; I wrote that piece at Lighthouse Keeper’s Pantry :)
Conflict is often on my mind these days, even in these peaceful surrounds. The lovely thing about therapeutic spaces, for me, is having someone else to hold the space, and practicing surrender to the process — without trying to control it, direct it, be the loudest within it, or alternatively, to disappear within it. What do you think?
Oh, you’re so close! Lighthouse Keepers’s Pantry is not my regular coffee stop, simply because there are some good coffee shops in Hyannis, but I have enjoyed a few moments there.
By therapeutic spaces, do you mean, for example, a sangha? I have been meeting twice a month with the group in Harwich for a couple of years now. In fact, I am even the treasurer for the group. But I will be honest, and I have told no one this yet except for my wife, I think I am losing interest. I am finding that overly focusing on all the formal aspects of a particular teaching (Buddhism) gets dull and meaningless to me after a while. I find that, no matter how wise, the sutras and precepts and all that can act more as a barrier to learning how to live mindfully in the here and now. People get so caught up in ideas, such as enlightenment, or emptiness, or the idea of wholesome versus unwholesome thoughts, and they’re just living in their heads, not in the real world. I think a lot of the members aren’t even meditating on a daily basis at home, are not walking around in this world in a mindful state, asking themselves, “What is this?” THIS.
I’m probably not getting across what I’m really thinking, because it’s the first time I’ve expressed it. Plus this commenting platform may not be best for it.
You did mention the possibility of coming to the Sanga, so I thought I’d mention where I’m at. There is actually a meeting tonight if you wanted to go. It’s at the Harwich community center at 7 PM. I’ll be there. 🙂
(oh, I just realized that by therapeutic spaces, you may have been referring to my saying that I am in family therapy with my son lol. I can’t say that that’s going very well either, but that’s a whole other big story.)
I'd love to know which spots in Hyannis are favorites! I'm always looking for a new place to park my laptop.
Alas, I can't make tonight (I'm facilitating a different closed group) but am glad to hear your POV on IMS of Cape Cod. I share your affinity for a mindfulness practice and sangha that are grounded in the everyday; I spend a lot of time thinking about that.
Good morning, Ryan. The meeting last night went very well. Lower attendance because of the cold translated into quite a nice discussion. My feelings about the meeting are more about my ever-evolving relationship with Buddhism than with the people there. I think you might like it. They meet twice a month in person and twice online.
I will try to check out your meeting. It’s hard to get me on Zoom but I would like to meet you. Maybe I’ll come by the Pantry some time when you’re on your laptop!
The Hyannis Main Street coffee shop I really liked hanging out at, Bread & Roses, is closing unfortunately. Chez Antoine, also on Main, has excellent Belgian pastries and coffee and a super nice owner, it just has a very small dining area. There is a coffee shop called Great Awakenings over by Sam Diego’s and Home Depot. They have the best espresso drinks, made with care, and a nice sunny space. The owner’s are also very nice.
I am so devastated by the closing of Bread & Roses as well! I have not been to the other two — will have to check them out. I also love Nirvana Coffee, which feels especially funny to mention in the context of a conversation about Buddhism, haha. If you fill out the form on that page I linked, I’ll have your email, and perhaps from there we can chat about ways to cross paths!
Thank you, Don, for that once again enlightening post. I read somewhere around the topic of materialization that to « obtain » what you wish for, you have to embrace all the possible outcomes, success as well as failure, accepting even the possibility to lose everything. The issue here is to trust that the Universe, aka Nature, has always your best interest at stake and, sometimes, you have to go through a bunch of sorrow, that can lead to hatred sometimes, to be able to become the human being with the skills or tools to achieve their dream or their soul mission.
Relief as you experienced it often comes from a soul lesson we came here to learn so well done, Don! The next one is probably already on its way with a lot of joy and love in its trail. Lots of love to you.
Geraldine, that is a really great and helpful thing to keep in mind when facing any decision or change; to embrace and accept all possible outcomes. I love that! Thank you! 🙏💚
Thank you, Karen. It's hard to say whether something will stop the current hatred and potential violence. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. I watched this billionaire on ABC this morning, Mark Cuban, who supports Kamala Harris, and his attitude was that if Trump wins, the Democrats will immediately get to work to protect our democratic institutions. It somehow gave me comfort.
I've been reminding myself of how so many good people throughout history have had to exist amongst war and unrest, and how they still found it in their hearts to live according to their principles, to find goodness around them, to write, to love, even to find joy.
Political stuff isn't everything. We do need to keep that in perspective. I think that no matter who is president, our immediate lives won't change that much (if for some reason they do, though, I think we have the resilience to deal with it).
This is a brave post, Don. I don't mean just politically, but also humanly. It's not giving up on what could be, it's truly showing up to what is. That takes guts. Thanks for leading the way.
Thanks for noticing, Kelly. I was a little hesitant as to how readers would respond to this way of looking, which could be misinterpreted as defeatist or hopeless. I see it it as liberating and hopeful! Thanks so much, Kelly! 🙏💚
I know the feeling of pushing the edge of my readers' comfort zone, and then waiting for the response. That in-between space is part of the bravery. Well done!
Thanks, Kelly! 😊
Kelly, these were my thoughts, too. In a time and culture where the middle ground is not celebrated, and strong opinions glorified, it's uncommon to find those, like Don, who consistently promote acceptance (not to be confused with approval!).
By the way, and I hope I'm not being presumptuous here, I couldn't help noticing your delightfully Irish-sounding name. I married into my Irish, but it's a strong thread in my husband's family, as was the tendency to stop speaking to members of their big families over some perceived offense or other. It seems comfort zones have been carefully guarded for millennia.
Really great essay, Don!
Thanks, Elizabeth! I have lots of Irish from my paternal grandfather!
And were they all speaking to each other by the time they reached the end of their lives? ;)
Oh, I didn’t know that was a thing, Elizabeth! But it seems to hold true here as well, at least on my grandfather’s part. When my mom was 10, he moved to California (opposite side of the country) and remarried and never reached out to her again. It was only through a half-sister’s efforts that she was reunited with him as an adult. I only met him once.
Like the uncle my late FIL discovered while visiting the opposite coast. He made a habit of checking the phonebook for last names. That time, he called the one he found. No one in the family had ever mentioned him.
Ha! Yes, we have both the Irish and the not-speaking-to-each-other thing. I hope to pass on the Irish part, but not the other. 😊
It’s oddly comforting to accept that we don’t have to fight every battle or fix everything—that we can focus on living peacefully without carrying the weight of the world!
Agreed!
That’s the gist, Mohica! Thank you so much for reading and for being here. Please tell your grandmother I said hello! 🩷
Playgrounds in the 1950s and early 1960s were much the same though perhaps the response was a little bit different. My experience arc seemed to shift from being the one the bullies came after to being the one suspected of bullying (meaning, I won the last fight). I knew that society was changing when I realized that in my suburban midwestern neighborhood my kid brother and I had somehow become the 'neighborhood toughs' - in part because we generally didn't back down and we finished our fights before the mothers intervened. But I always insisted on what we called 'bare knuckles' - I wasn't impressed if you had to resort to a weapon in your hand. The highpoint of my victimhood was the bully telling me "quit getting up". The highpoint of my bullying came in a highschool fight in which my accumulated experience enable a display of footwork, jabs, uppercuts, etc. that resulted in a fight in which I was never seriously hit. It was also about that time that I realized that the sum total value of all of this fighting was absolutely zero - it had no moral value and proved absolutely nothing about any greater argument. "Trial by combat" was bullshit. I still recognize that the world we live in sometimes requires self-defense. I've also reached an age at which I'm probably better served by self- and situational awareness than I would be by any residual skills of selfdefense. What I don't know is whether there any easier way other than experience to learn these lessons.
Probably not, Robert, probably not. 🙏💚
I got a couple of good hits in, too, and I am shamefully still proud of successfully standing up for myself, but in general, I really hated fighting, and I did get bullied a lot in high school and my freshman year of college.. I still feel bad for a punching a bully who was teasing a girl and it turned out he wasn’t all that tough and started crying when I hit him (I was only about 12.)
What an amazing reflection Robert. Truly. Thank you for taking the time to write that. A vulnerable piece but essential—the conclusion you draw was always the lesson I tried to teach whenever I had to intervene in a playground bullying or fighting issue (when I was a teacher/principal). Personal stories like that are incredibly meaningful—have you written more about that elsewhere?
Only in the sense that as The Military Philosopher I usually include discussion upon both the seeming inevitability of war in our history and the fundamental folly it represents.
BTW, I am remiss. When I was a principal, one of my favorite school assemblies was our Veteran’s Day assembly. We invited the communities Veterans to join us; invited them all to come to the stage to be honored by our kids as they each would take a turn at the mic introducing themselves and their branch of service. Seeing their pride always brought tears. I would remind the kids that, whenever they were in the presence of a Veteran, to simply say to them “Thank you for your service to our country.” Just eight words was all they really needed (both the student and the Veteran). So, I say to you Robert, thank you for your service to our country.
“The seemingly inevitability of war…and the fundamental folly it represents.” I haven’t read anything truer on Substack all day.
When we unite against bullies, they slink away, defeated, knowing their bluster is not welcome in our community. "Hate has no place here" is such a good reminder. As for so many forms of hate which are intended to defeat and destroy, it's often unresolved anger inside that is released outwardly by bad behaviors. Understanding is only the first step. The second step is to resist and the third is to overcome. The lessons of history are clear, and painful.
Thank you very much for your further insights, Gary. I will admit that as I was writing this essay I was aware that hatred is not something we can label and dismiss. There are many fear-based causes and none of them are that a person is just evil. I decided not to go into that for now. 🙂 Just dealing with something more inward in this essay; the liberation of non-resistance.
Yes, there's a time for all things and no one knows better than a pacifist about peaceful, non-resistance. Those of us who have experienced the vitriol and hatred of others have to choose how we respond, and one response is not to respond. Don't get caught up in an endless and meaningless debate or "battle" whether of words or weapons. Another position is "never again" which means we cannot allow those who want control and label others as "the enemy" to be in a position of power that labels people as less than human. It's personal as well as political for me and each one of us has to decide where we stand, or sit. Elie Wiesel, who survived the holocaust, said to a group of us one evening, "If you want to know what evil is, put a face on it".
The cyclical lines about loss, love, war, and death end with “When will they ever learn?” Remember that song, "Where Have All The Flowers Gone?"
I’m absolutely with you on “never again” Gary! I may be a pacifist, but I’m no doormat! And I am absolutely in favor of preventing those who would spoil things for everyone else from having any power whatsoever.
Maybe this is akin to "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on both of us." Was that from Stephen King?
Haha I imagine it’s older than Stephen King!
My mom used to be full of those old sayings, as well as superstitions, like if your hand is itchy someone is coming to visit, or something like that. I wish I had written them all down. Now she is losing her memory. 😞
My mother and both grandmothers had a lot of those sayings - there’s a name for them, I think they’re called old wives’ tales. One I heard often was if your nose itches it means someone is thinking about you. There are hundreds of those expressions, some with some truth, many not based on facts. How about an apple a day keeps the doctor away? I had an apple this morning and went to the doctor this afternoon. Just sayin’…….
Your story about the schoolyard bully resonated with me. It's funny how those early experiences can stick with us. I had a similar encounter, and it took me years to realize that the fear I felt wasn't just about the bully, but about my own perceived weakness. It's a powerful reminder that we all carry wounds, some visible, some hidden.
Thank you, Alexander! It’s true about carrying wounds, and it’s funny how each person remembers what influenced them the most. If my friend Nick was alive I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t remember this incident. Same goes for the one who did the punching.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment, Alexander! 🙏💚
Thank you for writing this Don. I’m reminded by your perspective that when we “hate” and “resist” we are generating negative energy. Not something to stand for.
And this is a profound perspective:
“And believe it or not, there was even some equanimity around that. The history of society includes a cycle of benevolent leaders and destructive despots. This is where I’m thankful for the fact that all things are impermanent.”
Surrender yet maintain intention.
There you go, James! I like your perspective, and thank you for taking the time to read and share your thoughts with me. 🙏💚
I really like how you put that, James: "Surrender yet maintain intention." Well said! And I'm totally with you on the negative energy. The energy behind our thoughts, words, and deeds matters just as much, if not more, than what we think, say, or do; because energy is contagious.
Energy is contagious, isn’t it? I like the way you put that, too!
This resonates deeply Don. Working in the mental health and trauma field I hear more than my fair share of stories of the darker side of humanity. I tend to come back to the principle that where there is light there is dark, it is the yin and yang of human nature and of life. And I try to keep turning my awareness towards the light and the beauty, which is always present in abundance if we look for it.
For sure,Vicki, light and beauty are everywhere!
That reminds me of a Note posted by Satya Robin this morning. She says she was on her hands and knees in the backyard, grumpily scooping up dog poo, when she suddenly noticed all the tiny flowers in the grass. 🙏💚
This made me wonder, so I’ll ask: Do you draw a distinction between “hatred exists,” and “hatred has a place here?” That second phrase is what I struggle with. Are there any places in which hatred does not have a place? When hatred arises, what must be the proper response?
Don, I love essays that push my thinking—this one certainly did. My second wonder, being a career teacher, is to wonder about Michael F. I know how bullies get created—he was taught. He learned. He was hurting because I have to believe “only hurt people hurt people.” Maybe that points to another truism: compassion must coexist with hatred, else all is lost and nothing shall live.
That’s a very good question, Kert, and I have to admit that I thought about this too late. There are two definitions or interpretations for the phrase “has a place here.“ The sign’s intended definition, which I support, is “not allowed here” and my epiphany, which was somehow brought about by reading the sign, was about the second definition; “exists here.“ I should have made it clearer that my realization was not in opposition to the sign’s message,
In regards to the bully in my story, I chose to just tell the story as seen from my ten-year-old eyes. Looking back, I have nothing but empathy for that poor boy. I do hope it is understood that the “criminal“ comment is from that perspective.
Thank you for the questions, Kert. I would much prefer the opportunity to answer questions than for someone to misinterpret my essay. You have a good heart! 🙏💚
You are always kind and I trusted you would interpret my questions from the heart-space they came from. Your response makes complete sense, thank you.
But your writing continues to push my thinking. I’ve been playing with some word play with what Buddha said about suffering “In life, there is suffering,” in his Four Noble Truths, and instead substituting the word “hatred” for suffering. The Four Noble Truths still work perfectly! (My “duh” moment of the day). The conclusion I’m drawing from that reflection is that, yes, hatred exists but it doesn’t have to exist in this place provided we abide by the Noble Eightfold Path. When one does that, hatred cannot exist (at least in the place I’m inhabiting—right here, right now.)
Gosh we’d have great conversation if ever we enjoyed together a coffee some lazy morning, just after dawn, on someone’s Cape Cod deck.
Do you mean that it cannot exist in your own heart When following the eightfold path, or that you would not recognize it as hatred when it appeared before you?
Great question—helps me to get clearer. I would say since spiritual growth is purely an inside job, if I was practicing the path correctly, and understood it well, then hatred could not penetrate my being, even as I recognize its existence outside of me. I think this is true, right? (I cannot imagine you disagree in the least). Hatred comes from a number of various places, many of which should, in those with wise hearts and views, give rise to compassion: places of fear, ignorance, or blind obedience to a cult of personality. All attachments. (Boy that Buddha guy sure knew what he was saying!). I cannot remember who said it, unfortunately, (maybe an imprisoned Tibetan monk upon his release), but it always resonated with me: “I do not hate my captors. Were I to hate those who imprisoned me long ago, they’d still have me in prison.”
So true, Kert. I like that. It reminds me of another Buddhist story you may have heard about a monk who carries a woman across the river. Many hours later, his partner reprimands him for touching a woman. The first monk replies “I put the woman down many hours ago. You’re still carrying her.”
Wow Don, this couldn’t have come at a better moment for me, as I too have been caught in the crosshairs of this. I can’t seem to drive by these Trump flags & signs and wonder what are these people thinking or drive by a business and think well I’m not going to go there. The realization is that they could think the same of me. So I will try to remind myself, as I do in my daily meditation, that may all beings be filled with loving kindness and free from suffering.
Thanks, Lance! I will be honest with you; I would not go into a business that had a Trump sign out front. Not as punishment, but just to protect myself from a possible aggressive or insensitive person.
But, yes, it is worth coming to terms with one’s own resistance or denial around others supporting of dangerous or cruel people.
I’m trying very hard, but seeing the hatred, ridicule, lies, narcissism, stupidity, lack of morals & cruelty that are exhibited each and every time Trump opens his mouth and still all these people line up like lemmings supporting him makes me want to scream “wake up”!!!
Meditation may not be enough my friend.
I had written out this scenario of seeing human beings and their behaviors as an anthropologist might or an alien visiting earth. I was going to include it in this essay, but it got too long and I decided not to.
I think that because we are humans ourselves, and are so deeply immersed in the story, it’s hard to accept the parts of the story that we don’t think belong. We want the story to match our vision of it.
I am really not sure what the answer is. There are two options that I can think of, but is either one possible? I don’t know, what do you think?
1) See that the potential for hatred or violence is in all of us. If our upbringing and conditioning had been different we could have manifested that negativity ourselves
2) Scrutinize very closely why we are attached to our vision of how humanity should be, and hopefully, when we understand what our own motivations are, we can release our attachments.
🤷♂️
You are a very good writer and the concept of impermanence is refreshing and encouraging at this time when it appears that someone in the Pentagon felt compelled to steal and release information that could lead to the destruction of Israel.
There is no strong and compassionate female candidate for POTUS, however, and it is troubling to see you slipping into meditations on Marxism.
By the way, I voted for Chase Oliver.
Namaste
Thanks for the… compliment? I’ve never read any Marxism and do not have a working knowledge of its tenets, so if I’m slipping into it, it’s parallel independent thinking. 😊🙏
I have no intention of turning the Comments section into a useless and pointless discussion of politics. I am aware that the early Christians (according to the Bible) shared everything amongst themselves. Unlike the Kamala Harris'es of the world, they did not take from others to guarantee equity among the outsiders and wealth for themselves.
But no, you don’t want to turn the comments section into a useless and pointless discussion of politics. You’re a coward Charles.
That's such an interesting insight Don, it's really made me think; it's like taking a couple of steps aside to get a different view of something and even a small shift can alter the perspective or reveal some hidden detail. I hope your argument was satisfactorily resolved! But it's comforting to know you have them too! Thank you.
Thank you, Liz. These ideas are a little bit of a shift, aren’t they? I was a little concerned how they would be taken and I’m glad to see that so far they have been taken well.
Yes, the argument was resolved. And it’s funny that you say that it’s comforting to know you’re not the only one. I let my wife read this essay before publishing it and she brought up my mentioning our argument. I told her that people feel comforted, knowing they’re not the only one! In the end, she did say she was OK with it. I wouldn’t have published it otherwise. 🩷🩷
I loved this, Don. I know when I resist the reality of differing opinions, perspectives and when I see others leading with hate, it rips into my energy. And I easily get depleted (mentally, physically & spiritually). I appreciate this reminder that on the other side of surrender is peace. And if we all find our own way to peace, perhaps hate is less tenacious.
Also (side note) have you ever visited New Bedford Antiques at the Cove? My son had to take his SATs in New Bedford this past summer and I stumbled upon it while waiting for him. I got lost in there and loved it. Worth a visit!
Thank you, Allison! And thank you for using the term “surrender.“ It is a word that I meant to include in the essay because it is basically the essay’s theme. You’re right: on the other side of surrender is peace.
I have not been to that antique center! Too bad, too, because I was just right near there. I was taking a look at the giant turbines that are being assembled for shipping out into the bay. Looking up the antique shop on the map, I noticed there is also a bookseller in the same building. I’ve got to go there soon!
I think you would really enjoy it! I definitely have plans to return. It’s HUGE and so much I didn’t yet explore.
So, you live in Massachusetts, Allison? (sorry if we’ve discussed this before. I just can’t keep track 🤪)
Yes, I do! You're down the cape, right? I live in Sharon, MA.
Yes, I am down the Cape. Hyannis.
Oh yes, now I remember, we talked about Moose Hill wildlife sanctuary!
Yes! The trails to Moose Hill are literally in my backyard. Hyannis is beautiful. Lucky you!
"On the other side of surrender is peace." You put that brilliantly, Allison! Thank you.
Thanks :-) It's easier said than done, most days.
I hear you on that!
Don, it was moving to return to your work now that I’m also passing by those signs in SE Mass, on the other side of the election. It makes me think of a short piece I read recently in “True Peace Work” by Thich Nhat Hahn, in which he imagines Mara (who might represent hate in this case, or one of the other Three Poisons) being friends with the Buddha. If there is enlightenment, he reasons, then there has to be something representing un-enlightenment. I wrote a bit about what I notice in terms of how these forces ebb and flow in groups in my world of ed, and how leaders in communities can still try to bring balance: https://open.substack.com/pub/ryanroseweaver/p/rebuilding-the-village-was-never
I agree that this work starts within, too. Hopefully I can join you in that at one of the next IMS gatherings upcoming on the Cape!
I’ll check out your online group, Ryan. I’ll try like heck, anyway! My meditation group also meets twice a month online, but I hardly ever attend those.
My thoughts about my meditation group I think are more about my relationship to Buddhism than about the group specifically. You might like the group so I don’t want to influence you.
I would love to meet for coffee sometime! Or perhaps I’ll just walk in sometime when you’re on your laptop. :-)
Hi, Ryan. Thanks for reading and commenting. I just read your essay; it was excellent. You're a really good writer! Healthy vs unhealthy conflict is thought-provoking for me, as I am going through some family therapy with my 31-year-old son now.
I'm curious which town you have taken up temporary residence in? I live in Hyannis on the Cape but my wife's family has a small cottage in Westport where they all gather each summer. (It was there I was driving when I wrote about seeing the political yard signs).
Don, thank you for the kind words! We are in Barnstable; I wrote that piece at Lighthouse Keeper’s Pantry :)
Conflict is often on my mind these days, even in these peaceful surrounds. The lovely thing about therapeutic spaces, for me, is having someone else to hold the space, and practicing surrender to the process — without trying to control it, direct it, be the loudest within it, or alternatively, to disappear within it. What do you think?
Oh, you’re so close! Lighthouse Keepers’s Pantry is not my regular coffee stop, simply because there are some good coffee shops in Hyannis, but I have enjoyed a few moments there.
By therapeutic spaces, do you mean, for example, a sangha? I have been meeting twice a month with the group in Harwich for a couple of years now. In fact, I am even the treasurer for the group. But I will be honest, and I have told no one this yet except for my wife, I think I am losing interest. I am finding that overly focusing on all the formal aspects of a particular teaching (Buddhism) gets dull and meaningless to me after a while. I find that, no matter how wise, the sutras and precepts and all that can act more as a barrier to learning how to live mindfully in the here and now. People get so caught up in ideas, such as enlightenment, or emptiness, or the idea of wholesome versus unwholesome thoughts, and they’re just living in their heads, not in the real world. I think a lot of the members aren’t even meditating on a daily basis at home, are not walking around in this world in a mindful state, asking themselves, “What is this?” THIS.
I’m probably not getting across what I’m really thinking, because it’s the first time I’ve expressed it. Plus this commenting platform may not be best for it.
You did mention the possibility of coming to the Sanga, so I thought I’d mention where I’m at. There is actually a meeting tonight if you wanted to go. It’s at the Harwich community center at 7 PM. I’ll be there. 🙂
(oh, I just realized that by therapeutic spaces, you may have been referring to my saying that I am in family therapy with my son lol. I can’t say that that’s going very well either, but that’s a whole other big story.)
I'd love to know which spots in Hyannis are favorites! I'm always looking for a new place to park my laptop.
Alas, I can't make tonight (I'm facilitating a different closed group) but am glad to hear your POV on IMS of Cape Cod. I share your affinity for a mindfulness practice and sangha that are grounded in the everyday; I spend a lot of time thinking about that.
I'm starting this online group along those lines and we've met a few times -- we'll likely have another gathering in Jan. Would you like to join us? https://ryanroseweaver.substack.com/p/in-tending-online-gatherings-everything
And/or it would be nice to grab coffee sometime. :)
Good morning, Ryan. The meeting last night went very well. Lower attendance because of the cold translated into quite a nice discussion. My feelings about the meeting are more about my ever-evolving relationship with Buddhism than with the people there. I think you might like it. They meet twice a month in person and twice online.
I will try to check out your meeting. It’s hard to get me on Zoom but I would like to meet you. Maybe I’ll come by the Pantry some time when you’re on your laptop!
The Hyannis Main Street coffee shop I really liked hanging out at, Bread & Roses, is closing unfortunately. Chez Antoine, also on Main, has excellent Belgian pastries and coffee and a super nice owner, it just has a very small dining area. There is a coffee shop called Great Awakenings over by Sam Diego’s and Home Depot. They have the best espresso drinks, made with care, and a nice sunny space. The owner’s are also very nice.
I am so devastated by the closing of Bread & Roses as well! I have not been to the other two — will have to check them out. I also love Nirvana Coffee, which feels especially funny to mention in the context of a conversation about Buddhism, haha. If you fill out the form on that page I linked, I’ll have your email, and perhaps from there we can chat about ways to cross paths!
Love this Don. Thank you for you sharing your wisdom.
Pam, thank you so much for delving into my recent archives. That’s always flattering! 🙏💚
Thank you, Don, for that once again enlightening post. I read somewhere around the topic of materialization that to « obtain » what you wish for, you have to embrace all the possible outcomes, success as well as failure, accepting even the possibility to lose everything. The issue here is to trust that the Universe, aka Nature, has always your best interest at stake and, sometimes, you have to go through a bunch of sorrow, that can lead to hatred sometimes, to be able to become the human being with the skills or tools to achieve their dream or their soul mission.
Relief as you experienced it often comes from a soul lesson we came here to learn so well done, Don! The next one is probably already on its way with a lot of joy and love in its trail. Lots of love to you.
Geraldine, that is a really great and helpful thing to keep in mind when facing any decision or change; to embrace and accept all possible outcomes. I love that! Thank you! 🙏💚
What you say actually makes sense to me. The world today seems on the brink of all out hated /war but surely something will stop that ?
Thank you, Karen. It's hard to say whether something will stop the current hatred and potential violence. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. I watched this billionaire on ABC this morning, Mark Cuban, who supports Kamala Harris, and his attitude was that if Trump wins, the Democrats will immediately get to work to protect our democratic institutions. It somehow gave me comfort.
I've been reminding myself of how so many good people throughout history have had to exist amongst war and unrest, and how they still found it in their hearts to live according to their principles, to find goodness around them, to write, to love, even to find joy.
Political stuff isn't everything. We do need to keep that in perspective. I think that no matter who is president, our immediate lives won't change that much (if for some reason they do, though, I think we have the resilience to deal with it).
I wish you well, Karen. 🙏💚