Your post sums up the core of mindfulness/well-being so wonderfully! I have learned it the hard way that I cannot change everything in my life to my liking. That I have to let go of the urge to control my external world and rather focus on bettering my inner world. The best way I realised was to acknowledge the darkness within me, the negative feelings and accepting them without judgement. Over time I realised, this helped me overcome a lot of negativity in my life but in a natural way, not in a "I HAVE to fix my life" way. Your post is a very thoughtful reminder for me, and I'm sure everyone else of what truly matters when we try to live more consciously, and be more aware of life.
I really enjoyed this Don thank you. I feel like you've articulated beautifully and succinctly a concept I try and practise but still struggle with. Like you say at one point, the beauty of accepting our difficult emotions is that then they don't stick around as long, but sometimes I find myself trying to accept them so they go away - which of course doesn't work. It's only ever when I totally surrender to whatever I'm feeling that I feel better. Your idea to welcome them as a guest is a helpful one, and to see what I can learn from them, even if hard. I've saved this to come back to next time I'm struggling to accept how I'm feeling 🙏
Thank you so much for this, Don. I appreciate your wonderful thoughts, and enjoyed the comments below. Overcoming negativity in our lives is so important. As Sonaakshi says, we often have the "I HAVE to fix my life" outlook, and surely, there is a better way of acceptance without judgement.
Lovely Don. I'm sure you've also read Rumi's Guesthouse. They also point the way. Sounds so easy but we keep forgetting and remembering again.
Also Tara Brach uses the acronym RAIN is an easy-to-remember tool for practicing mindfulness and compassion using the following four steps:
Recognize what is happening;
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
Investigate with interest and care;
Nurture with self-compassion.
I had external triggers to anxiety recently so have walked this journey. I do think we're been asked to stay in our body more and hold (vs repress, avoid) to process emotions, even the unpleasant ones. I think I've weathered this recently with maybe some heightened awareness around the points you so well make here. It will be a conscious effort to stay present. Maybe with more arriving everyday, signing up to the mindful army like yourself and others here, we'll make more progress on this in our lives.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Siodhna! I came across RAIN in a book called Beyond Distraction by Catherine Shaila. I've always meant to read something by Tara Brach. And I will check out Rumi's Guesthouse. Thanks! 🙏💚
RAIN has been life-changing for me. Thank you for reminding me about it. This tool somehow slipped away from me. And today, on this rainy day, you gave it back to me... with an umbrella!
I like how you re-framed what we tend to perceive as "negative" feelings to "unwanted" feelings. This is an important distinction, I believe, because many of us were raised to think that some feelings are good, while others are bad. And that is akin to "negative" feelings.
I like to think that some feelings are dark, while others are light. That obviously means different things to different people. To me, dark feelings are painful, like anger, loneliness, discouragement, frustration, shame, etc. Those are definitely unwanted, too! The lighter feelings are joy, contentment, peace, connection, delight, pleasure, etc.
So true that our feelings come and go, no matter what we label them to be. If we allow them to be what they are and sit with them, they will fade eventually. I think our emotions are meant to be guideposts that signal to us something about ourselves that we may or may not already know or understand.
I wonder how many of us don't really know HOW to be with our unwanted feelings. I drift in and out of this, I think. We are so programmed to seek relief, both emotionally and physically, that it's hard to imagine nonresistance. I'm sure, like the old adage says, practice makes...well, certainly not perfect, but...it easier the next time. 😌
Thanks, Elizabeth. That is so true, that we’re “programmed to seek relief.” Also conditioned, I think, and it’s important to know the difference. Pain is of course an evolved human capacity that keeps us alert and away from danger. Even psychological pain I think in some ways (the need to be liked) was meant to keep us in good standing with the “tribe” so that it operates efficiently for the good of all. But those conditioned needs and expectations are a whole, completely and recklessly out-of-control other thing, especially in our advanced society. We are so hard on ourselves!
Once we’re fed and safe, I think we need to learn to temper those needs and pains, to see their source and be able to release them. I think unhappiness in general is a result of our own unexamined thoughts and feelings and responses to the world around us, a world that doesn’t understand itself and teaches us attachment instead of flow.
“Every day doesn’t have to be a good day.” I love the simplicity and profundity of that statement. It feels like permission to be human. There’s a lot of pressure, I feel, to always be performing well and projecting positivity. But accepting that some days are just… days… feels liberating. It's like taking off a heavy coat you didn't realize you were wearing. I’m reminded of a time I pushed myself to be cheerful despite feeling down, and it ended up being so much more exhausting than just allowing myself to feel what I felt. Your emphasis on the impermanent nature of self is powerful too. It puts things in perspective, doesn't it? That nothing, not even a feeling, is forever. It changes and evolves. It gives you hope, actually. Thanks, Don 🩵
When I stop fighting my hardest feelings and sit with them, they get the chance to soften, start speaking to me, and guide me inwards or outwards or anywhere I need to go. I'm in constant awe of how well you express, Don!
Thanks Don: As always a beautiful, simple but bloody deep insight. I found this hack along the way also and I find it incredibly helpful. Here is to accepting life, and emotions, as they are.
"Every day doesn’t have to be a good day."... and every emotion doesn’t have to feel good, but it can feel easier when we accept it and ourselves. Lots of times, we add onto the suffering because we feel sh*tty about ourselves for feeling bad about this and that. Yes Don, what if we didn't? The feeling, our emotions simply are. Our life can still be beautiful with lots of bad days. We can still be beautiful with lots of bad feelings. Something that helps me when I am going through an emotion or entire day (days/weeks...) is remind myself that yes, I am feeling this bad stuff, and... before all else, I am grateful. I remember my gratitude over and over again.
What you suggest has been fundamental to my life too, part of my living practice. Thank you 💕
It’s so nice to hear from you and that you relate to this, Danni. It’s a liberating realization that instead of believing that life can only be good when the bad feelings are gone, life can be accepted in its entirety, and that that acceptance brings about something even better; a natural feeling of rightness, of wholeness. Life is complete.
There is something very provocative here amidst the wisdom of understanding emotions within the context of our true natures, the reality of the present moment, the nature of suffering, and our desires for comfort. It’s embedded in the phrase “Every day doesn’t have to be a good day.” For me, and for a while now, THIS is an exemplary way to phrase my own current practice—but in a paradoxical manner. It’s about how we define “good.” Sooo provocative! My practice in this area led me to study more the nature of non-duality—I discovered the teachings of The Third Patriarch of Zen, he who wrote:
“The Great Way is not difficult
for those who have no attachments to their preferences.
When love and hate are both absent,
everything becomes clear and undisguised.
Make the smallest distinction, however,
and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart.”
Every moment, every day, is perfect because that is exactly what every moment and every day is. I find this to be so incredibly difficult to grasp, yet it is the most enlightening thing I’ve ever practiced and studied. Everything you wrote here in this post, Don, is resonant and falls directly into place with these ancient teachings. I’m happy knowing there are kindred souls on the same path who also find joy in speaking to their own, vulnerable journeys.
I’ll do you one better. This teaching is rather brief and is known as The Verses on the Faith Mind. Here’s a link to it, in its entirety. It took m multiple readings to grasp the elegant and eloquent nature of these seemingly simple yet powerfully subtle teachings—and I study them, still, almost daily. If you undertake a reading or two, I’d be very interested in your reflections. https://www.age-of-the-sage.org/buddhism/third_patriarch_zen.html
Don, this is so useful. Do you know the book, Permission to Feel, by Marc Brackett? When I first read it, it blew me away and I have been creating the safety in my body to allow these feelings to come and instead of contracting against them (which lead to chronic headaches, backaches, and stomachaches) to allow them... like a Buddha Mama saying, Oh, you are here now. Tell me all about it.
I remember very well you being the inspiration for this. It is one of my favorite things to do now to engage in conversations on the long format writing here. And your conversations tend to me my top ones because they are so thoughtful. Says a lot about your writing and your community.
Ah yes—tea with the demons. Invite them in. Let them howl. Let them sulk. But serve the tea you choose, and sit taller in your seat.
Most folks waste their lives trying to barricade the door against feelings they’ll meet in the end anyway. Better to greet them now, curious and unafraid.
Strangely, the more we welcome them, the less they stay as enemies. Sometimes they even bow and teach us the next step.
I loved this essay. While all that you said is important, this stands out to me: "It’s important to meditate on feelings not with the goal of solving them, but rather only to be in a state of total acceptance of what is." I sometimes (OK, too often) ruminate in my negative feelings, but like you say, accepting what is counts. I plan to change my attitude toward these feelings, hoping to embrace them. Thank you.
By the way, your wife's painting is beautiful. Like her, I am an artist. I focus on oil colors.
I had a "moody" day this weekend. the weather was beautiful. My husband spent the day in the garden. But everything in me and through me was irritated and angry and sad and frustrated and angsty about everything. While husband weeded my iris garden, all I could think was that they weren't blooming as much as they did last year because we moved them too late in the season.
so I let myself be moody. I sat on the couch in the porch and binge-watched reality tv (not really paying attention) and let myself be moody. The next day, the moody-blues were gone. just like a bad rainstorm. and I appreciated the irises more than I have all season. I went out and picked a few to put in a vase on our kitchen counter...but during the moody day I wanted to cut them all and throw them away.
Your post sums up the core of mindfulness/well-being so wonderfully! I have learned it the hard way that I cannot change everything in my life to my liking. That I have to let go of the urge to control my external world and rather focus on bettering my inner world. The best way I realised was to acknowledge the darkness within me, the negative feelings and accepting them without judgement. Over time I realised, this helped me overcome a lot of negativity in my life but in a natural way, not in a "I HAVE to fix my life" way. Your post is a very thoughtful reminder for me, and I'm sure everyone else of what truly matters when we try to live more consciously, and be more aware of life.
Thank you so much, Sonaakshi! 🙏😊
Yes realising you don’t have to fix it was a big one for me.
"That I have to let go of the urge to control my external world and rather focus on bettering my inner world."
So well put. I would love for you to read my yoga poems. They encompass so much of my personal journey and the universal journey of the journey within... https://open.substack.com/pub/coriefeiner/p/a-poem-for-extended-childs-pose?r=1vl0c8&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Hi Corie! Your work sounds interesting and I'll surely check it out! :)
Thank you! I look forward to your feedback!
I really enjoyed this Don thank you. I feel like you've articulated beautifully and succinctly a concept I try and practise but still struggle with. Like you say at one point, the beauty of accepting our difficult emotions is that then they don't stick around as long, but sometimes I find myself trying to accept them so they go away - which of course doesn't work. It's only ever when I totally surrender to whatever I'm feeling that I feel better. Your idea to welcome them as a guest is a helpful one, and to see what I can learn from them, even if hard. I've saved this to come back to next time I'm struggling to accept how I'm feeling 🙏
It is such a dance!
I’m so glad you liked my essay, Lucy, and that you found it helpful. Thank you. I wish you peace!
Thank you so much for this, Don. I appreciate your wonderful thoughts, and enjoyed the comments below. Overcoming negativity in our lives is so important. As Sonaakshi says, we often have the "I HAVE to fix my life" outlook, and surely, there is a better way of acceptance without judgement.
Acceptance without judgement... yes.
Thanks, Missy! 🙏💚
Lovely Don. I'm sure you've also read Rumi's Guesthouse. They also point the way. Sounds so easy but we keep forgetting and remembering again.
Also Tara Brach uses the acronym RAIN is an easy-to-remember tool for practicing mindfulness and compassion using the following four steps:
Recognize what is happening;
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
Investigate with interest and care;
Nurture with self-compassion.
I had external triggers to anxiety recently so have walked this journey. I do think we're been asked to stay in our body more and hold (vs repress, avoid) to process emotions, even the unpleasant ones. I think I've weathered this recently with maybe some heightened awareness around the points you so well make here. It will be a conscious effort to stay present. Maybe with more arriving everyday, signing up to the mindful army like yourself and others here, we'll make more progress on this in our lives.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Siodhna! I came across RAIN in a book called Beyond Distraction by Catherine Shaila. I've always meant to read something by Tara Brach. And I will check out Rumi's Guesthouse. Thanks! 🙏💚
Thanks for the reading suggestions. RAIN is a great tool.
RAIN has been life-changing for me. Thank you for reminding me about it. This tool somehow slipped away from me. And today, on this rainy day, you gave it back to me... with an umbrella!
Lovely to hear this, I'm on a journey with feeling my life too!
Hi Don,
I like how you re-framed what we tend to perceive as "negative" feelings to "unwanted" feelings. This is an important distinction, I believe, because many of us were raised to think that some feelings are good, while others are bad. And that is akin to "negative" feelings.
I like to think that some feelings are dark, while others are light. That obviously means different things to different people. To me, dark feelings are painful, like anger, loneliness, discouragement, frustration, shame, etc. Those are definitely unwanted, too! The lighter feelings are joy, contentment, peace, connection, delight, pleasure, etc.
So true that our feelings come and go, no matter what we label them to be. If we allow them to be what they are and sit with them, they will fade eventually. I think our emotions are meant to be guideposts that signal to us something about ourselves that we may or may not already know or understand.
You helped me with that reframe, Jeannie! 😊
I wonder how many of us don't really know HOW to be with our unwanted feelings. I drift in and out of this, I think. We are so programmed to seek relief, both emotionally and physically, that it's hard to imagine nonresistance. I'm sure, like the old adage says, practice makes...well, certainly not perfect, but...it easier the next time. 😌
Thanks for the practical advice and discussion.
Thanks, Elizabeth. That is so true, that we’re “programmed to seek relief.” Also conditioned, I think, and it’s important to know the difference. Pain is of course an evolved human capacity that keeps us alert and away from danger. Even psychological pain I think in some ways (the need to be liked) was meant to keep us in good standing with the “tribe” so that it operates efficiently for the good of all. But those conditioned needs and expectations are a whole, completely and recklessly out-of-control other thing, especially in our advanced society. We are so hard on ourselves!
Once we’re fed and safe, I think we need to learn to temper those needs and pains, to see their source and be able to release them. I think unhappiness in general is a result of our own unexamined thoughts and feelings and responses to the world around us, a world that doesn’t understand itself and teaches us attachment instead of flow.
So glad, friend!
Guideposts is a good word!
“Every day doesn’t have to be a good day.” I love the simplicity and profundity of that statement. It feels like permission to be human. There’s a lot of pressure, I feel, to always be performing well and projecting positivity. But accepting that some days are just… days… feels liberating. It's like taking off a heavy coat you didn't realize you were wearing. I’m reminded of a time I pushed myself to be cheerful despite feeling down, and it ended up being so much more exhausting than just allowing myself to feel what I felt. Your emphasis on the impermanent nature of self is powerful too. It puts things in perspective, doesn't it? That nothing, not even a feeling, is forever. It changes and evolves. It gives you hope, actually. Thanks, Don 🩵
Pushing away the bad feelings rarely works does it? They find a way to come back in one form or another.
Thank you so much, Alexander! 🙏😊
When I stop fighting my hardest feelings and sit with them, they get the chance to soften, start speaking to me, and guide me inwards or outwards or anywhere I need to go. I'm in constant awe of how well you express, Don!
Thank you so much, Mohika. I’m so grateful for you! 🙏💚
Thanks Don: As always a beautiful, simple but bloody deep insight. I found this hack along the way also and I find it incredibly helpful. Here is to accepting life, and emotions, as they are.
Here here! Thanks, Ian! 🙏😊
"Every day doesn’t have to be a good day."... and every emotion doesn’t have to feel good, but it can feel easier when we accept it and ourselves. Lots of times, we add onto the suffering because we feel sh*tty about ourselves for feeling bad about this and that. Yes Don, what if we didn't? The feeling, our emotions simply are. Our life can still be beautiful with lots of bad days. We can still be beautiful with lots of bad feelings. Something that helps me when I am going through an emotion or entire day (days/weeks...) is remind myself that yes, I am feeling this bad stuff, and... before all else, I am grateful. I remember my gratitude over and over again.
What you suggest has been fundamental to my life too, part of my living practice. Thank you 💕
It’s so nice to hear from you and that you relate to this, Danni. It’s a liberating realization that instead of believing that life can only be good when the bad feelings are gone, life can be accepted in its entirety, and that that acceptance brings about something even better; a natural feeling of rightness, of wholeness. Life is complete.
Yes, a complete life instead of waiting (or chasing after) an easy life. Love to you.
Absolutely. We get to have this life. This day
Life is too short and there are too many obstacles to wait to love this life for what it is. Have a beautiful day! 💕
This was an awesome post, that others should read
Thank you, Jo!
There is something very provocative here amidst the wisdom of understanding emotions within the context of our true natures, the reality of the present moment, the nature of suffering, and our desires for comfort. It’s embedded in the phrase “Every day doesn’t have to be a good day.” For me, and for a while now, THIS is an exemplary way to phrase my own current practice—but in a paradoxical manner. It’s about how we define “good.” Sooo provocative! My practice in this area led me to study more the nature of non-duality—I discovered the teachings of The Third Patriarch of Zen, he who wrote:
“The Great Way is not difficult
for those who have no attachments to their preferences.
When love and hate are both absent,
everything becomes clear and undisguised.
Make the smallest distinction, however,
and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart.”
Every moment, every day, is perfect because that is exactly what every moment and every day is. I find this to be so incredibly difficult to grasp, yet it is the most enlightening thing I’ve ever practiced and studied. Everything you wrote here in this post, Don, is resonant and falls directly into place with these ancient teachings. I’m happy knowing there are kindred souls on the same path who also find joy in speaking to their own, vulnerable journeys.
Thanks, Kert. I will definitely take a look at this!
What a great and wise reply, Kert! I really appreciate the quote, and will look for a book containing it—unless you can recommend something?
Thank you, Kert, my soul brother! 🙏💚
I’ll do you one better. This teaching is rather brief and is known as The Verses on the Faith Mind. Here’s a link to it, in its entirety. It took m multiple readings to grasp the elegant and eloquent nature of these seemingly simple yet powerfully subtle teachings—and I study them, still, almost daily. If you undertake a reading or two, I’d be very interested in your reflections. https://www.age-of-the-sage.org/buddhism/third_patriarch_zen.html
The more we allow emotions to be, the less likely it is that they'll stick around.
The ultimate paradox!
Don, this is so useful. Do you know the book, Permission to Feel, by Marc Brackett? When I first read it, it blew me away and I have been creating the safety in my body to allow these feelings to come and instead of contracting against them (which lead to chronic headaches, backaches, and stomachaches) to allow them... like a Buddha Mama saying, Oh, you are here now. Tell me all about it.
Thank you, Corie. And thank you so much for participating in the conversations. I love it! 💚🌈
I remember very well you being the inspiration for this. It is one of my favorite things to do now to engage in conversations on the long format writing here. And your conversations tend to me my top ones because they are so thoughtful. Says a lot about your writing and your community.
Thank you, Corie. Time to write a reminder Note about this one! 🌈
I love the Marc Brackett book. The grid in the front is do interesting. To see where you spend your time in relation to feelings.
I think he even has an app. It is so interesting to become so few-aware of what a feeling is and how it affects us.
Ah yes—tea with the demons. Invite them in. Let them howl. Let them sulk. But serve the tea you choose, and sit taller in your seat.
Most folks waste their lives trying to barricade the door against feelings they’ll meet in the end anyway. Better to greet them now, curious and unafraid.
Strangely, the more we welcome them, the less they stay as enemies. Sometimes they even bow and teach us the next step.
Wise practice, Don.
—Virgin Monk Boy
Thank you, Aleksander, I really appreciate it!
Hi Don,
I loved this essay. While all that you said is important, this stands out to me: "It’s important to meditate on feelings not with the goal of solving them, but rather only to be in a state of total acceptance of what is." I sometimes (OK, too often) ruminate in my negative feelings, but like you say, accepting what is counts. I plan to change my attitude toward these feelings, hoping to embrace them. Thank you.
By the way, your wife's painting is beautiful. Like her, I am an artist. I focus on oil colors.
Thank you, Beth, so much. I'll tell Jennifer you liked her painting. I'd love to see one of yours!
I had a "moody" day this weekend. the weather was beautiful. My husband spent the day in the garden. But everything in me and through me was irritated and angry and sad and frustrated and angsty about everything. While husband weeded my iris garden, all I could think was that they weren't blooming as much as they did last year because we moved them too late in the season.
so I let myself be moody. I sat on the couch in the porch and binge-watched reality tv (not really paying attention) and let myself be moody. The next day, the moody-blues were gone. just like a bad rainstorm. and I appreciated the irises more than I have all season. I went out and picked a few to put in a vase on our kitchen counter...but during the moody day I wanted to cut them all and throw them away.
this too shall pass.
I’m glad to hear your irises look beautiful to you again! I’m sure they are very important to you, Terry.
We don’t have any irises in our yard, but my cottage in South Yarmouth happens to have two very beautiful beds that are just in bloom!
I wish I could leave an image picture here. I’ll have to text you some of my faves.
yeah, I wanted to do the same thing! Irises really are striking