112 Comments
User's avatar
Gary Gruber's avatar

Inspiring, insightful, so honest and authentic. It's more than a peek inside your journal, it's watching you pull back the curtain to reveal the real character.

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts." from "As You Like It"

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Thanks, Gary, and thanks for the Shakespeare! 😊

Expand full comment
Lauren Osornio's avatar

I’ll take the sunlit pine grove, or even cactus plants in the desert.

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

I absolutely love the desert! But we won’t be leaning our backs against that cactus! 😆🌵

Expand full comment
Daniel Appleton's avatar

Cactus plants & agave. THEY'RE LIKE REDWOODS.

Expand full comment
Lauren Osornio's avatar

Hahahaha. Ditto

Expand full comment
Laurie Morin's avatar

Your journal inspired me to try morning pages again. You had me at the obsessive I I Me Me thoughts. They got so boring I couldn’t stand it! Thank you for this beautiful, honest reflection.

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

I’m so happy to hear this, Laurie. Thank you! 🙏💚

Expand full comment
Gail Sawyer's avatar

Don, I’m sitting here sobbing at the last few paragraphs of your post.

I’ve listened to enough guru’s and ascended masters and mistresses—channelers—over the years to have learned that, in the words of “Abraham/Hicks”… “Everyone, everyone, everyone, EVERYONE, is selfishly oriented.”

Thank you for the pause.

All I, and friends like me in the same age group, who live SS check to SS check each month, have all been concerned, worried, fearful, about is, what is going to happen if we lose that income. Our only income—amongst other things…

But in this moment, I have all the money that I have—shades of Byron Katie—is this true? “Yes. It is true in this moment.

Do I have a home and property where I can go outside through the fresh snow of yesterday and sit with my back to one of the giant white pines on my acreage? again, “yes”.

I got a Ruth Bader Ginsburg quote day before yesterday. And re-read it this morning to my daughter. It was like she was reaching through the veil to remind me yet again…”Often in life, things you regard as an impediment turns out to be great, good fortune.”

Time will tell, Ruth, time will tell, but right now, in this moment, I’m going to go outside, refill the wild bird feeders and sit with my back against a tree.

Thank you Don, your posts are like small wooden lifeboats in a turbulent sea. 🫶🏻

PS… Who are you NOT to speak up, or mentor a young adult person in need who is willing to learn from you?

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Thank you, Gail. I feel the same way about financials. I’m not officially retired, but I’m self-employed and have been on an extended break. Practicing retirement haha! The last thing I want is for prices to go up again. It’s hard enough to go out for breakfast with my wife right now. Like, a big setback! I can’t even imagine being fully reliant on aid and wondering if one will be left hungry and uncared for completely in this new America! I just don’t know….

Thank you for your support and acknowledgment, Gail, and thank you for that wonderful quote by RGB! 🙏💚

Expand full comment
Kert Lenseigne 🌱's avatar

What an exemplary reflection, Gail. Thank you!

Expand full comment
Alexander Lovell, PhD's avatar

Don,

"The search doesn't end when you find what you're looking for; it ends when you realize that what you've been looking for doesn't exist."

This statement from your journal is so profound. It speaks to the nature of desire and the endless pursuit of happiness outside of ourselves. It's a reminder that true fulfillment comes from within, from accepting the present moment and finding peace in the here and now.

What a beautiful gift for anyone to read. 🩵

Thank you for sharing.

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Thank you so much, Alexander; I really appreciate it! 🙏💚

Expand full comment
Teri Leigh 💜's avatar

Wow. Dear friend, this is such a precious gift to your readers. I feel honored to have been offered this.

The parts about your profound wound felt like I was liking the bowl of a delectable dessert that you have been working on for years and it is now in the oven, almost ready. I want to sit down at that table with you, clink the glasses, and celebrate all the growth, learning, process, and experience when you do share the dessert with us all. This is my way of saying, yes, please write about that profound wound. And, I trust you to take your time. No one wants to eat an undercooked cake.

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Thank you, Teri. We’ll sit down to dessert together, though it may not be sweet lol. 😊🙏

Expand full comment
Teri Leigh 💜's avatar

I love a good dark chocolate that is more bitter than sweet.

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

I do too! If life was too sweet, we wouldn’t know how to appreciate it. 🤎

Expand full comment
Daniel Appleton's avatar

As George Burns said in one of the " Oh, God ! " movies -

" If you get rid of sad, happy's gotta go, too ". Equilibrium, or Ma'at as the Egyptians called one of their goddesses responsible for order.

Expand full comment
Jeannie Ewing's avatar

I want some dark chocolate. Give me a torte with homemade raspberry compote, please.

Expand full comment
Teri Leigh 💜's avatar

yum!

Expand full comment
Daniel Appleton's avatar

Ever had Little Debbie's Cosmic Brownies ? I heard my taste buds CHEERING ! I'm not sure what was in them besides chocolate !

Expand full comment
Jeannie Ewing's avatar

Haha Daniel, I cannot eat Cosmic Brownies, but guess what? My special needs daughter Sarah is OBSESSED with Little Debbie snack cakes!

Expand full comment
Daniel Appleton's avatar

are they a regional / Southern thing or nationwide ?

I HAVE had chocolate with Amanita magic mushrooms in. Talk about MAGIC CARPET RIDES !

Expand full comment
Jeannie Ewing's avatar

Oh wow, I see your name again today, Teri! I guess we know the same people. ❤️

Expand full comment
Daniel Appleton's avatar

Interesting. Maybe I need to start a journal. I've been having A TON of "old man thoughts " that maybe should be put down. I refrained from thinking about myself as " OLD " mostly because I'm not able to keep track of Gen X, Y, Z, Millennials as much. But " OLD " comes with so much negativity.

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

I refrain from thinking of myself as old also. At 60, I definitely feel the changes, both physical and especially psychological, but taking on our culture’s view of old would be a very bad idea.

Thanks, Daniel!

Expand full comment
Daniel Appleton's avatar

Is journaling CATHARTIC to a degree ?

Thanks, Don !

The designation old makes me think of the dystopian movie LOGAN'S RUN, where every day is a hedonistic PARTY / FEAST until one's 30th birthday, & then the ceremony called Carousel. ( movie fan here )

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

I don’t know that movie. I’m not sure I would say journaling is cathartic. It depends on how well I’m in touch with my feelings that day. But it does help me to BE in touch with my thoughts and feelings, and sometimes to sort them out, other times just to strengthen them. Check Jeannie Ewing’s comment in this thread. She describes well what she gets out of journaling.

Expand full comment
Paul Wittenberger's avatar

Writing for Substack may well be my journal, Don!

Expand full comment
Daniel Appleton's avatar

Thanks, Don !

I've been a cinemaphile for quite a bit. Can't beat the classics.

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

I know what you mean, Paul. Honestly, my journaling has changed since starting my Substack, for the better. Writing for an audience helps me to access my most poignant and important thoughts and feelings, ones that I may not have bothered recording if I knew it was only for myself. That attitude had maintained itself as I journal, because I’m always aware that whatever I’m writing, I may decide to turn into a post or essay later.

Expand full comment
Maia Duerr's avatar

That's pretty courageous, Don, to share these nuggets that are so close to your ego/soul/being. I appreciated reading them because I felt like I got to know more layers of you -- and got to see your utter uniqueness and at the same time our common humanity. Those glimpses of insecurity, yearning, love, contentment, discontentment, and so many other human experiences... oh yeah, I can see myself in every one even if the details are different. Thank you for sharing this!

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Maia, this is just the most wonderful response. Thank you so much. Do you mind if I share it?

Expand full comment
Maia Duerr's avatar

feel free to share it!

Expand full comment
Charles Clemens's avatar

How many of us have had the time, the patience, the money, or the ability to be FATHER KNOWS BEST (Hello to all my fellow boomers)? I am a failed stepfather. I look back at the years that I spent attempting to raise another man's children and sometimes it makes me wince. Of course, we all have great memories and horrible ones. That's life. And every second of it is precious and unique in its own way.

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

That’s brave of you to say, Charles, and is very very helpful, thank you! 🙏💚

Expand full comment
Daniel Appleton's avatar

My stepmom never even TRIED to be a stepmom, BUT it's never too late.

Expand full comment
Grace Drigo's avatar

So many profound insights here. Love the vulnerability. Thanks for sharing so openly, very generous of you, Don. It helps me to contemplate on my own suffering and trauma and how I can’t get myself to write about it. Resistance and feeling stuck is ingrained pretty deep. 💚

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Even though you can’t officially write about it, do you write about it in your journal? Do you have as strong a need as I do to express your pain?

Expand full comment
Grace Drigo's avatar

Yes, the need is most definitely there. But it’s not coming out in a clear way through writing at this time. My journal is messy as hell. So I am exploring other options such as Expressive Arts Therapy to help create more space to contain the trauma (and chip away at the proverbial wall.)

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Nice, Grace. My wife is an expressive arts facilitator (she has to make it clear that she isn't a therapist lol). She works with so many different groups, from adults with disabilities to children to seniors.

Thanks for sticking around, Grace (did I tell you that my daughter's middle name is Grace and that it's my pet name for her?). Feel free to reach out any time! 💚

Expand full comment
Grace Drigo's avatar

Sweet. 😊Yes I think you may have mentioned it before about your daughter’s name. Thanks Don. I always find something relatable and of value in your writing. 🙏💚

Expand full comment
Dan Ehrenkrantz's avatar

I was struck by your use of the words "failed father." If someone else narrated your story to you as their own, would you say to them, "I see. So you're a failed father. Is that right?" Or is there a different way you might respond?

No need to respond to me at this moment. Just food for thought. My guess is you'll write more about this at some point in the future. ❤️

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

I appreciate your gentle attempt to motivate me to reframe the issue, Dan.

I would absolutely not say that to someone in my place. I would empathize and understand.

I don’t think of myself primarily as a “failed father.” I used those words to Jennifer impulsively, which told me a lot about myself. I think of myself as a victim of an injustice who was not very good at fighting. My children are also victims, and it is there that I feel shame and failure, for the weakness, fear, confusion, and trauma that prevented me from fighting like a hero for them and for our relationship.

But now I’ve already said more than I meant to say publicly. The desire and need to be seen and heard in regard to this loss is strong. But there is a lot of fear around being misunderstood.

Thank you, Dan.

Expand full comment
Tree Langdon's avatar

I love how this post reveals that random thoughts arising eventually lead to peace

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Thank you, Tree, that makes me happy! 🙏💚

Expand full comment
Tree Langdon's avatar

It really helps to read someone else's approach - when I journal, my thoughts are often similar, sometimes random, sometimes insightful. It's encouraging to follow along.

Expand full comment
Lisa Janda's avatar

This was my favorite post from you thus far! Thank you🙏👏

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Thank you, Lisa, that's so nice to hear! 🙏💚

Expand full comment
Kert Lenseigne 🌱's avatar

Don, as usual, meaningful. Thank you.

Question: what book(s) are you reading right now?

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Thanks, Kert. Right now I'm reading:

fiction: The Books of Jacob, by Olga Tokarczuk

nonfiction: A Swim in a Pond in the Rain, by George Saunders

I also have a whole shelf full of spiritual books which I often sample from. Last night I read a chapter of Thich Nhat Hanh's The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching

How about you?

Expand full comment
Daniel Appleton's avatar

Read The Art of Racing in the Rain, or see the movie. You. Will. Love. It. When I wasn't feeling tears, I was laughing.

We need positivity, especially NOW.

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

I read that book, and yes, was brought to tears!

Expand full comment
Daniel Appleton's avatar

Him moving to Italy & hearing his new manager's son name, Enzo made my jaw hit the floor & BOUNCE ! 😮😮😲

Expand full comment
Kert Lenseigne 🌱's avatar

That book is in my top 20 of all time!

Expand full comment
Daniel Appleton's avatar

Most of my reading material over the past couple of years has been cultural anthropology & related areas, but there have been exceptions. I received a copy of The Stars My Destination, a rather trippy sci fi tome by Alfred Bester. It should have a movie based on it rather than endless reboots. Alfred Bester is an acquired taste.....

Expand full comment
Kert Lenseigne 🌱's avatar

Your post, the sharing of your journal entries, and the fact I knew you to be a deep reader, prompted me to ask. Selfishly, I look to those I trust to recommend books I need to put on my TBR list. The Books of Jacob was already on my list (I mean, both the Nobel folks and Don Boivin can’t be both wrong, can they?), and I love Saunders so need to add that one. Thay’s works are a given for me—I gifted myself a book of his I hadn’t read yet on taking care of the environment. You never disappoint, my friend. So I have a new question down below for you if you would be so kind as to respond.

For me, I went ahead and gifted “A Tale for the Time Being” by Ruth Ozeki after I had read her latest (you commented you had read this one of hers and liked it). I’m loving it right now. I also have both a nonfiction work going and a spiritual book: Being You: A New Science of Consciousness by Anil Seth (outstanding the more I’m getting into it!), and rereading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle (needed to read this one again—Oprah selected this as her latest book club selection. I don’t pay attention to her book clubs BUT this is the second time she’s selected it which was a reminder to me of how important its teachings are). I need to simply get back into a solid routine of reading deeply and ingest less of the diet of noise and chaos on social media—which includes Substack.

Okay, question: Why do you read? (You’ve indulged me enough so do not feel obligated to respond any time soon, or at all.).

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Kert, The Books of Jacob is 960 pages and the author takes her time. There are many characters, religious reference, folk tale, etc. I would normally not take on such a thick book (I feel that a slim volume can say as much, as powerfully, as a bloated one), but I loved Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead—not a long book—so much that I'm willing to tackle this. If you've never read Tokarczuk before, I might start with that smaller one.

I'll try to answer your question briefly (I'm getting many thoughtful comments on this post that require thoughtful responses, so I have to spread myself thin lol).

Asking why I read is like asking why I grow my fingernails. First I would have to learn the answer myself, and then I could share it with you. But I'll try. When I was young I read because I wanted to exist in a world of my imagination, assisted by the imagination of whomever wrote the story. I loved being along for the ride as a boy and a girl investigated a mystery, met a friendly writer living alone in a tent, or tried to save ponies destined for the glue factory (I think I was also trying to escape my home culture—not abusive but just uninspired and lacking in love and support). Now I read because I want to find out how others respond to being alive, relating with others, overcoming hardship and injustice, how they find hope and meaning and inner strength. I am especially interested in the words of those who have discarded all the answers that are too easy and are based on need and superstition. When someone can overcome his conditioned beliefs and find his own truth, I want to hear about it. When someone is treated badly, or all of his life has felt alone and unsatisfied with the status quo, and then found meaning in some small beautiful thing (think Siddhartha) I want to read about it.

Sometimes I have to stop reading because it feels like escape or replacement for living, and so I take a break and face myself and reality head on. Then I can't help it, I turn to books again. And I think that's okay. There is no real true Don Boivin, there is only what this mind decides it wants to keep and what it decides it wants to ignore or discard. And it slowly becomes Don Boivin. In other words, books have played a huge part in making me what I am.

Not disregarding nature all together; there was a reason I, out of 8 children, was the one who turned to books with so much of his being. My genes or molecules were arranged in such a way that I, first, had the brain power to learn how to turn words into visions readily, and second, that I WANTED to. But the reading took over from there in great part.

I'd better stop now! Thanks for the great question, Kert!

Expand full comment
Monica P.'s avatar

My relationship with my daughter, in her fifties, has been fraught with whys and how could you. After much reflection I finally told her that I did the best that I could do at the time. W was hoping for a deeper relationship, but at least I’m not beating up myself like I had been doing. Hindsight.

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Thank you, Monica, that’s helpful. And that’s really the only answer you can give, and the only answer that matters. The past is the past. If we didn’t make mistakes, we would not be human. My son is 31 and his anger at me is deep. He currently won’t speak to me at all. I tried therapy with him, but it didn’t help, it just seemed to bring his anger out stronger. I have apologized profusely and repeatedly for my part, for not fighting harder to be with him when he was little, but he cannot accept my apology.

Expand full comment
Dave Karpowicz's avatar

Don, I love the honesty and open feeling of the post. We share many of the same thoughts. D

Expand full comment
Don Boivin's avatar

Thanks, Dave! 🙏💚

Expand full comment