Don, thank you for sharing such a personal and difficult experience. You will help many people, especially men, by sharing so beautifully from your heart. We tend to forget that sexual assaults happen to boys and young men too. As a culture, we expect men to be tough and stoic. I know from experience exactly how shamed you felt in that moment, and how deeply those threads of shame run. I know about always being quiet and trying to please and being respectful even when I am not being respected. I know how many years it takes to actually talk about these experiences (sometimes never being able to). I know how many years it can take before you are able to think of what happened and not feel shame or anger or fear. It's a lifetime of undoing the damage. I send you much love and support as you open up the wounds and let the healing light in.
You're welcome, Don. I never told my parents anything either. They would not have been able to give me the kind of support I needed. They would have blamed me or wanted to normalize it by questioning my perception of what happened. To tell them would have been another painful experience instead of a helpful one.
The anger that came later, the "did you get your fucking countertop fixed yet," that moment feels important. Not because it was the perfect response or because it undid anything, but because it was yours. You took something back, even if it was small, even if it was late. I think about how we're supposed to have these clean, empowered responses to violation. We're supposed to know immediately, react perfectly, protect ourselves with clarity and force. But real life is messy and delayed and full of moments where we're still figuring out what just happened to us. You were processing. You were learning. And when you were ready, you said something. That counts. It doesn't erase the shame, I know. But it's evidence that you didn't disappear, that some part of you fought back when it could. Thank you for writing this. For all of it.
I want to hug that 20 year-old young man and tell him how proud I am of him for doing the absolute best he could to be as safe as possible in those moments.
I also want to shake the hand of the man you are now, because I never would've guessed from the way that you write and express yourself so boldly that there was a people pleaser and codependent inside of you. It's a tremendous testimony to how you have grown spiritually and emotionally.
I can personally attest to how much growth it takes to actually start speaking up for oneself when you've been trained to do the exact opposite of that in your younger years. I have nothing but admiration for you, my friend. 🙏
"Codependent No More" is the classic book in that space, Don, but I also often recommend "The Drama of the Gifted Child" as a more subtle and indirect exploration of it. They're both great reads. I never cease to discover new blind spots in my own codependence!
Thank you so much for this, Kelly. That’s about the highest compliment. A person could ask for! I’m truly grateful to you for taking the time to share your response with me. 🙏💚
Don, I am always amazed at how much you are willing to share with your readers. This is incredibly intimate and so revealing. Shame is pain, and a person's pain is known only to them. I can't know or fully comprehend your shame but I stand with you and am here with you in your pain. Sorry you had to experience these events but your willingness to share just shows the type of person you truly are, one who genuinely cares and has love for others. Thanks for this, Don.
Thanks, Steve. You know, I figure if it’s happened to me then it has happened to others. You’re right, I do share a lot, and I think I do it because that’s what I would want from others. There are plenty of Substack writers who want to be teachers, who espouse methods, theories, and general psychology, self-help techniques, etc., but not a lot who are willing to tell the details of how they came to know what they know, to feel what they feel, and for me, that’s what makes me feel better and not so alone. It’s knowing that someone else has had a similar experience to mine, gone through some of the same stuff. I like stories, I like details, I like it when someone shows me who they are, not just what they know. So, I figure if that’s what I like to read then that’s what I’m going to write.
Thanks for your support and for continuing to be here, Steve!
That’s such an important distinction Don. You can espouse the truth but can you live it or are you living it. I agree, someone who lives it is not afraid of authenticity.
Thank you for writing about this from a male perspective. I know that predators are predators — I have met some in my time — but to read your account which is deeply honest and emotionally detailed made me know in my bones how much we have in common as men and women.
That polite society approach that is baked into us, the voice screaming from the depths that something is wrong while the brain slowly tries to process the horrible unreality, and then the shame and anger. The deep visceral shock and fury at such a calculating betrayal that plays in another person’s mind and is carried out with such ease, like a trip to the store, without regard for the human in front of them…and that we were baited and caught so easily. My breath catches and my blood rises at the recognition, and I wish I could reach a hand through the screen and say “I know.” Too many of us know.
Thank you, Tina. You have succeeded in metaphorical reaching your hand through the screen. I really appreciate your empathy and understanding. It helps to be heard. 🙏❤️
The lack of guilt is somehow always shocking. Even though clearly someone who enjoys exploiting vulnerable people doesn’t feel guilt.
The difficulty to share… well I think if it were possible for the men whose secrets I hold to read this, they would find some validation. (Yes, it matters to be validated by other men - the focus is (due to sheer volume) on women but that shouldn’t exclude men.) I will not tell you about them for reasons you understand. But they stand with you I have no doubt. And some other men will read this and stand with you too. Even if completely silently.
There are a legion of people who understand why you went in that house and continued to make nice and now feel the shame.
Thank you for sharing. I believe this makes a difference.
Thank you so much, Heather. It really makes a difference to hear that because I will be honest; I still fear that I will be judged as a wuss or a coward. In my mind, I see men reading this and losing respect for me, thinking; I would have punched his lights out!
The fear is valid. I’m sure some will judge you that way. The same who ask why she didn’t kick him in the nuts and gouge his eyes out. They aren’t listening. They aren’t trying to learn. They are seeking to hold on to their place at the top, where this could never happen to them.
They will exist regardless of what you say and do. But the men who have had your experience exist too. And it is them you are reaching out to. They are isolated and surrounded and your hand is reaching through the fog of fear and offering a way through. They may grasp the hand. They may touch it tentatively. They may take comfort from it but ignore it. You can’t control that. But you’ve offered the hand.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have similar stories. Giving people the benefit of the doubt for far too long. It’s because you’re a good person and can’t believe people like this exist. At least I think that’s part of it for me. It took a while to realize, they do. And by the way, my brother was sexually assaulted as a boy by two men: his Boy Scout troop leader and a friend of our parents. It’s harmed him deeply.
Thank you, Christiana. I’m so sorry for your brother. Sometimes I think I’m lucky that I was never victimized when I was younger, because I was a very shy and timid kid. One of the priests in my church was later accused of sexual misbehavior of some sort, and he was the guy I was always most uncomfortable around; at summer camp he was always swearing and trying to be a macho man.
And speaking of scouts. I tried going to a Cub Scout meeting when I was very young and witnessed the leader smack a kid. The boy went flying across the floor. I never went back.
Oh wow. What a story! Yeah, the scouts… not so sure. :) thank you for the supportive words about my brother. Yes, he was between 8 and 10 for both incidents. Incredible. Pervs.
That was quite cringy to read—it must have been incredibly difficult to write, Don. I feel immense shame in the human race when I imagine how someone could put you in that position. So there’s another level of it to add to the story.
I also recognize echoes of my own inner dialogue when it comes to blaming myself and people pleasing. I can only think it comes from something my parents didn’t prepare me for, but instead conditioned me to appease ‘elders.’ Perhaps it was that generation’s blind spot? No one wanted to imagine their child using good manners to become victims.
For sure, Lamonica. My paternal grandmother, a devout Catholic, literally used to use the phrase “children should be seen and not heard” with her grandchildren.
Thank you so much for your brave, vulnerable sharing of this part of your life. I am so saddened to hear of what you went through, and I'm sending you a virtual hug.
Sexual predators are manipulators. They make a person doubt him/herself and feel shame during or after the sexual assault. I know because I've had my share of unwanted sexual encounters, and I thought I was old enough to know better.
As a woman, we are conditioned to fear men to a degree because of our physical vulnerability and women are conditioned to "be nice." But in many ways, I think it's more difficult for a man dealing with sexual assault because there's so much societal pressure for a man to "be strong and tough."
Just know that I hear and see you, and I thank you for sharing this.
Thanks for your vulnerable sharing, Don. This is a story so familiar to many, especially many women. I have a similar story, involving a hairdresser, where I also looked back and wondered why I did nothing, said nothing, didn't just leave. The reality is that our freeze and fawn responses are deeply ingrained survival responses. We don't act from choice in those moments, we act from survival instinct, and our instinct is often to not make things worse by provoking the beast. Your responses are very understandable and very similar to my own. I hope your sharing of your story helps to free someone else from their shame and self-blame ❤️
“Freeze and fawn.” “Survival instinct.” Thank you, Vicki. Sometimes all it takes is an identifying word. It’s amazing how powerful and healing that can be!
The predators play on that freeze/fawn response by holding power over and grooming their 'target' first often. Sadly, it is us who were hurt that suffer the additional injury of years of shame so much of the time, when the horrible shameful behavior is the abuser's. You are a beautiful soul and more virtual hugs from me, too!
Thank you, Ruth! Yeah, I guess there are probably not a lot of men admitting that things like this have happened to them. And that doesn’t help the rest of us, who often feel like we’re alone! 🙏💚
Don, thank you for sharing such a personal and difficult experience. You will help many people, especially men, by sharing so beautifully from your heart. We tend to forget that sexual assaults happen to boys and young men too. As a culture, we expect men to be tough and stoic. I know from experience exactly how shamed you felt in that moment, and how deeply those threads of shame run. I know about always being quiet and trying to please and being respectful even when I am not being respected. I know how many years it takes to actually talk about these experiences (sometimes never being able to). I know how many years it can take before you are able to think of what happened and not feel shame or anger or fear. It's a lifetime of undoing the damage. I send you much love and support as you open up the wounds and let the healing light in.
Thank you, Janna. I appreciate your empathy, and can tell you genuinely understand. That means a lot to me.
That’s a good point about how many years it can take to talk about; I have never told my parents!
You're welcome, Don. I never told my parents anything either. They would not have been able to give me the kind of support I needed. They would have blamed me or wanted to normalize it by questioning my perception of what happened. To tell them would have been another painful experience instead of a helpful one.
Same, Janna! It would have been another painful experience. My father would have just harrumphed, and my mom would probably have changed the subject.
The anger that came later, the "did you get your fucking countertop fixed yet," that moment feels important. Not because it was the perfect response or because it undid anything, but because it was yours. You took something back, even if it was small, even if it was late. I think about how we're supposed to have these clean, empowered responses to violation. We're supposed to know immediately, react perfectly, protect ourselves with clarity and force. But real life is messy and delayed and full of moments where we're still figuring out what just happened to us. You were processing. You were learning. And when you were ready, you said something. That counts. It doesn't erase the shame, I know. But it's evidence that you didn't disappear, that some part of you fought back when it could. Thank you for writing this. For all of it.
Thank you so much, Alexander. Your support really means a lot to me. 🙏
Don, your bravery has brought me to tears today.
I want to hug that 20 year-old young man and tell him how proud I am of him for doing the absolute best he could to be as safe as possible in those moments.
I also want to shake the hand of the man you are now, because I never would've guessed from the way that you write and express yourself so boldly that there was a people pleaser and codependent inside of you. It's a tremendous testimony to how you have grown spiritually and emotionally.
I can personally attest to how much growth it takes to actually start speaking up for oneself when you've been trained to do the exact opposite of that in your younger years. I have nothing but admiration for you, my friend. 🙏
Kelly, would you believe I have not read a single book on codependence? If you were to recommend a single book on the subject, which would it be?
"Codependent No More" is the classic book in that space, Don, but I also often recommend "The Drama of the Gifted Child" as a more subtle and indirect exploration of it. They're both great reads. I never cease to discover new blind spots in my own codependence!
Thank you, Kelly. The first is the one I had in mind, just wasn’t sure if it still held up. I’ll definitely check out the second one as well! 🙏
Thank you so much for this, Kelly. That’s about the highest compliment. A person could ask for! I’m truly grateful to you for taking the time to share your response with me. 🙏💚
Don, I am always amazed at how much you are willing to share with your readers. This is incredibly intimate and so revealing. Shame is pain, and a person's pain is known only to them. I can't know or fully comprehend your shame but I stand with you and am here with you in your pain. Sorry you had to experience these events but your willingness to share just shows the type of person you truly are, one who genuinely cares and has love for others. Thanks for this, Don.
Thanks, Steve. You know, I figure if it’s happened to me then it has happened to others. You’re right, I do share a lot, and I think I do it because that’s what I would want from others. There are plenty of Substack writers who want to be teachers, who espouse methods, theories, and general psychology, self-help techniques, etc., but not a lot who are willing to tell the details of how they came to know what they know, to feel what they feel, and for me, that’s what makes me feel better and not so alone. It’s knowing that someone else has had a similar experience to mine, gone through some of the same stuff. I like stories, I like details, I like it when someone shows me who they are, not just what they know. So, I figure if that’s what I like to read then that’s what I’m going to write.
Thanks for your support and for continuing to be here, Steve!
That’s such an important distinction Don. You can espouse the truth but can you live it or are you living it. I agree, someone who lives it is not afraid of authenticity.
Thank you for writing about this from a male perspective. I know that predators are predators — I have met some in my time — but to read your account which is deeply honest and emotionally detailed made me know in my bones how much we have in common as men and women.
That polite society approach that is baked into us, the voice screaming from the depths that something is wrong while the brain slowly tries to process the horrible unreality, and then the shame and anger. The deep visceral shock and fury at such a calculating betrayal that plays in another person’s mind and is carried out with such ease, like a trip to the store, without regard for the human in front of them…and that we were baited and caught so easily. My breath catches and my blood rises at the recognition, and I wish I could reach a hand through the screen and say “I know.” Too many of us know.
Thank you, Tina. You have succeeded in metaphorical reaching your hand through the screen. I really appreciate your empathy and understanding. It helps to be heard. 🙏❤️
The lack of guilt is somehow always shocking. Even though clearly someone who enjoys exploiting vulnerable people doesn’t feel guilt.
The difficulty to share… well I think if it were possible for the men whose secrets I hold to read this, they would find some validation. (Yes, it matters to be validated by other men - the focus is (due to sheer volume) on women but that shouldn’t exclude men.) I will not tell you about them for reasons you understand. But they stand with you I have no doubt. And some other men will read this and stand with you too. Even if completely silently.
There are a legion of people who understand why you went in that house and continued to make nice and now feel the shame.
Thank you for sharing. I believe this makes a difference.
Thank you so much, Heather. It really makes a difference to hear that because I will be honest; I still fear that I will be judged as a wuss or a coward. In my mind, I see men reading this and losing respect for me, thinking; I would have punched his lights out!
The fear is valid. I’m sure some will judge you that way. The same who ask why she didn’t kick him in the nuts and gouge his eyes out. They aren’t listening. They aren’t trying to learn. They are seeking to hold on to their place at the top, where this could never happen to them.
They will exist regardless of what you say and do. But the men who have had your experience exist too. And it is them you are reaching out to. They are isolated and surrounded and your hand is reaching through the fog of fear and offering a way through. They may grasp the hand. They may touch it tentatively. They may take comfort from it but ignore it. You can’t control that. But you’ve offered the hand.
Your words are helpful and comforting. Thank you, Heather!
Thank you for sharing your story. I have similar stories. Giving people the benefit of the doubt for far too long. It’s because you’re a good person and can’t believe people like this exist. At least I think that’s part of it for me. It took a while to realize, they do. And by the way, my brother was sexually assaulted as a boy by two men: his Boy Scout troop leader and a friend of our parents. It’s harmed him deeply.
Thank you, Christiana. I’m so sorry for your brother. Sometimes I think I’m lucky that I was never victimized when I was younger, because I was a very shy and timid kid. One of the priests in my church was later accused of sexual misbehavior of some sort, and he was the guy I was always most uncomfortable around; at summer camp he was always swearing and trying to be a macho man.
And speaking of scouts. I tried going to a Cub Scout meeting when I was very young and witnessed the leader smack a kid. The boy went flying across the floor. I never went back.
Oh wow. What a story! Yeah, the scouts… not so sure. :) thank you for the supportive words about my brother. Yes, he was between 8 and 10 for both incidents. Incredible. Pervs.
You hit it on the head -- more worried about offending the offender. It has happened to me in a similar way. So sorry this happened to you.
Thank you, Nancy, and I’m sorry you went through something as well. 🙏🩷
Thank you for sharing what is an obvious horrific experience with us. We hear more about women's experiences and less about mens.
Thank you, Karen. Thank you for being here. 🙏💚
That was quite cringy to read—it must have been incredibly difficult to write, Don. I feel immense shame in the human race when I imagine how someone could put you in that position. So there’s another level of it to add to the story.
I also recognize echoes of my own inner dialogue when it comes to blaming myself and people pleasing. I can only think it comes from something my parents didn’t prepare me for, but instead conditioned me to appease ‘elders.’ Perhaps it was that generation’s blind spot? No one wanted to imagine their child using good manners to become victims.
For sure, Lamonica. My paternal grandmother, a devout Catholic, literally used to use the phrase “children should be seen and not heard” with her grandchildren.
You too? I sat at the dinner table with that every night.
🙏🏼
Bearing witness. And thank you for the vulnerable trust you’ve gifted that might allow someone to finally understand they are not alone.
Thank you so much, Kert. 🙏
Dear Don,
Thank you so much for your brave, vulnerable sharing of this part of your life. I am so saddened to hear of what you went through, and I'm sending you a virtual hug.
Sexual predators are manipulators. They make a person doubt him/herself and feel shame during or after the sexual assault. I know because I've had my share of unwanted sexual encounters, and I thought I was old enough to know better.
As a woman, we are conditioned to fear men to a degree because of our physical vulnerability and women are conditioned to "be nice." But in many ways, I think it's more difficult for a man dealing with sexual assault because there's so much societal pressure for a man to "be strong and tough."
Just know that I hear and see you, and I thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much, Beth, that really means a lot to me. 🙏💚
Thanks for your vulnerable sharing, Don. This is a story so familiar to many, especially many women. I have a similar story, involving a hairdresser, where I also looked back and wondered why I did nothing, said nothing, didn't just leave. The reality is that our freeze and fawn responses are deeply ingrained survival responses. We don't act from choice in those moments, we act from survival instinct, and our instinct is often to not make things worse by provoking the beast. Your responses are very understandable and very similar to my own. I hope your sharing of your story helps to free someone else from their shame and self-blame ❤️
“Freeze and fawn.” “Survival instinct.” Thank you, Vicki. Sometimes all it takes is an identifying word. It’s amazing how powerful and healing that can be!
Absolutely Don. Those words have helped me make sense of my own responses at times.
The predators play on that freeze/fawn response by holding power over and grooming their 'target' first often. Sadly, it is us who were hurt that suffer the additional injury of years of shame so much of the time, when the horrible shameful behavior is the abuser's. You are a beautiful soul and more virtual hugs from me, too!
Thank you Don ❤️
And for reminding me that men get targeted too.
Much love.xx
Thank you, Ruth! Yeah, I guess there are probably not a lot of men admitting that things like this have happened to them. And that doesn’t help the rest of us, who often feel like we’re alone! 🙏💚
Indeed! ❤️
Sending love. Sharing is courageous and important, for you and for the world. Thank you. 🙏💜
Thank you, SB. 🙏💚
My heart goes out to you...
Thank you, prue. 🙏💚