On [Not] Transcending the Messiness

An Epiphany

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

The other day, after an affecting and difficult­­ discussion with someone I love, I was struck with an epiphany. It regards the nature of self and how that self operates in this world. This was my realization:

No matter how awakened, evolved, or mature I am, that does not mean I’m getting away with not feeling all the feelings—the pain and suffering, the need, the hurt, the desperation, the love, the anger. Because no matter how aware I may be of the true nature of humanity—how our minds create our sense of self and that that self isn’t a final truth but rather is just a construct that we cling to and take for granted—no matter how aware I am of that truth, it doesn’t change that truth. It doesn’t suddenly eliminate that self-construct and make me some sort of ultra-human, some sage, some non-self. I didn’t realize until now that awakening never meant rising above the human predicament, of transcending the self, of becoming some sort of person who doesn’t, for example, get terribly lonely, or need to be seen and understood, or feel defensive and angry, or desire enriching activities or personal fulfillment. Those needs are deeply rooted in our structure as social animals. There’s no getting rid of them, even through awareness of their nature. They just are.

So, awakened or not, I will still live with the same needs and challenges I’ve always lived with, perhaps just with a bit more perspective; an understanding or objectivity that can help me navigate those challenges with some equanimity.

This is a transformative realization because it changes me, and it changes things going forward. That hope or expectation that I could someday transform my actual experience of being to no longer include the negative parts, like getting my feelings hurt, or fighting with my spouse, or agonizing over a confrontation with a coworker; I believed there was a way, or a path to some higher plane that would eliminate all that suffering. Now, I realize it isn’t eliminating suffering that is the product of awakening, it is just realizing that suffering is part of the full human experience, and accepting it instead of resisting it. That’s it.

I summed up my epiphany this way:

Until recently, I still thought there was an “ideal me” that I could achieve if only I meditated enough or understood enough. That kind of expectation is insidious. For me, it was the last remnant of magical belief that had to be discarded. There is no end-goal; there is only acceptance of what is.

I posted that last paragraph as a Note on Substack recently, and received quite a few replies. One loyal reader,

Nicole DeMario

, asked, “Isn’t meditation just another vehicle to be with what is—thoughts exist, identity loosens its hold, there is observation without observing? I was never taught it was anything else.”

This was my response:

“Yes, Nicole, it’s not about what I was taught but rather about an expectation I found I was still carrying: that by being with “what is” now, I was going to achieve a state of higher, more permanent peace later, where all my negative feelings would cease, or almost cease. I didn’t even realize that I was holding this expectation until I had an argument with my wife recently, a familiar one between us that pops up periodically, and something clicked. I realized that I get angry when this old issue resurfaces because I have a deep expectation for us to finally overcome it, to solve it and heal it. But what if we don’t?

What if we don’t?

It was that question right there that woke me up. And I was suddenly able to accept that life and relating is messy. LIFE IS MESSY. For everyone. Not just for those who aren’t enlightened or awake yet. If we want to be in relationship with others, which is life, then we must accept that it will be imperfect. And that idea kind of continued to expand until I understood on a deeper level that I had been expecting to rise above the messiness. Now, I accept the messiness as simply part of being human. I accept it fully and completely.

Thanks for asking, Nicole! 💚🩷”

And thank YOU, my treasured readers!

DB

Photo by Jené Stephaniuk on Unsplash

Always a pleasure!