I love that you're sharing these intimate parts of who you are. It's vulnerable and precious. I hold your stories with compassion and admire your courage to share.
My current wife and I, on our second time around, refer to ourselves in our first marriages as "young and dumb." What did we know then about mature love? Not much. She was 20 first time and I was 21. Seven good things that came from those first marriages, are seven children, 4 from her and 3 from me and they are all now adults with their own children. Our kids had good parenting that contributed to their becoming responsible, caring and independent people and we're proud of all them and their accomplishments. One of the blessings are now 14 grandchildren and one great grandson all of 7 months old. We made lots of mistakes early on and we did some good things too.
I like your "slow passage to real love." Here's a short piece you might enjoy:
A very profound and heartfelt essay. For those of us who’ve known love and passion like you and J felt, very young, so evocative. We carry an inclination to hope when we feel that kind of passion. Otherwise we wouldn’t jump into the deep water.
I was of course writing in self-defense. As you no doubt guessed.
And yet we’re still together, loving our grandchildren together. Both of us realizing we’re glad to be. Lucky the other in those moments refused delivery of the death blow.
I enjoyed this read! Your writing is very fluid and easy to follow.
I have been thinking about marriage recently as I approach my 10th anniversary. My experience of love in this relationship is very different than your description, and also very different than what I myself experienced in my 20s. I appreciate that you hold the possibility for love despite experiencing its demise. I too have experienced the degradation of what felt so passionate and real, and now 10+ years into a different relationship, I have experienced a deeper more respectful way of being with someone. Perhaps I will write on that in the coming weeks.
I'd also like to share the quote from the Yoga shala where I practiced years ago as it echos the one you shared and it has stuck wth me for many years: "All the love that you express will be returned to your tenfold."
Thank you so much, Lindsay. I actually entered into a healthy relationship in 2006, and we are still going strong. I wrote about my wife Jennifer and how we keeps things alive and joyous in a Valentine's Day post. Thank you for the yoga quote and best of luck in your writing!
Oh that's great. I look forward to reading this piece you linked. My anniversary so in a couple weeks so I am thinking about how to share the beauty that love can bring.
Thanks for this real story, Don:). Your words, “love is generosity - a giving, not a taking - and it grows only in a heart that feels safe and whole,” stood out for me. I agree that the kind of love you’re talking about can’t really flourish through us without a sense of safety, without healing. And this makes me ponder what role love plays while we’re healing, while we’re growing in safety. I want to believe that love helps us get there, to those places of security and wholeness, even as we’re experiencing its corrupted or less than ideal forms. And then what happens when we’re really a mess, when we’re nowhere near safety and health? Again, I want to believe it’s there then too. We might not be able to have felt experience of it, but it’s there, present with us. And of course it’s there. As you’re talking about it here, love is inherent, it just is, it can do nothing but be. This is sort of a random comment! Thanks again.
Random, maybe, but I actually felt relief as I came to the end of your comment and read "of course it's there"!
And funny, something about your comment made me realize that I wrote both, "it only grows in a heart that feels safe..." and that "it is not ours; we just channel it." Which is it, Don!? haha.
I guess the important thing is to get people thinking, talking, and self-reflecting, right?
That's so true. We are afraid to love. I am afraid to love - to really love - to be completely open. I do have that scarcity mentality - that I will be depleted - that people will suck me dry. How do we get over the fear? Is it a letting go of the self (ego)? I feel like this is one of the most important things that we as humans need to figure out. Thank you for sharing your personal story.
Thank you, Dawn, and you sure do pose some deep questions. I will just say this: letting go of the ego cannot be an act of discipline, it can only be an act of understanding.
Thank you for being here and being a thoughtful and sensitive person! 🩷
I love that you both are talking about this. It makes me feel cared for. Yes, I was wounded, pretty deeply, by this and a few other more serious things. Thanks for caring. 🙏❤️🩹
Quite often, I am afraid to acknowledge that I care for someone, even those who are close—what am I to care, and what do I know about them? Isn't that empathy too cheap, just like pushing the "like" button below a photo of a war orphan and forgetting about the kid for good in less than a minute? Still, I want to believe that I care for you Don, despite that I have no idea who you truly are.
I understand the nature of connecting here. I'll forget who said what soon! But when you said that reading what J said hurt you, that healed me a little bit!
Having been on that painful side of a challenge at the sometimes necessary end to a relationship, it is a weapon - that stabs both parties. As irretrievable as a gunshot.
What a beautiful reflection on your life's journey through 'love' and everything that can mean, Don. Isn't it amazing how there is always the potential to wake up to deeper levels of love? I really appreciate this passage:
"We can’t love because we don’t understand what an unlimited resource we actually are. Our connection to the energy of the earth and of the universe—to the ultimate source of life—means we can never be depleted. We are like an electric power line. The love that courses through us is unlimited, renewable, and not ours. We just channel it. Our fears, which come of a too-narrow view of self, clog up that line.
Mindfulness—honest, non-judgmental self-reflection—is like a stint, opening things up so the love can flow."
And how sweet that you've still got the ticket stub from that Disney World journey oh so long ago : ) Artifacts from another version of 'self'!
Thanks so much, Maia! And I just had that ticket stub in my hand a few weeks ago! But I put it back—in a very deep box full of pictures—and can't remember exactly where. I had thought about including a pic of it for this essay. Tickets to the Magic Kingdom are now $124-$189!
Great writing, as usual. Just the right about of details, in my opinion. And what a topic! Who doesn't like to talk about love? It's many things to different people at different times. Hopefully, it's an evolution, too, and a living story that compels us along. xo
I truly love your writing! You create a most delicious combination of innocence and wisdom, vulnerability and strength. Thank you from my heart 💜
Oh, my gosh, that is an incredible compliment. Thank you! 🙏❤️
Ditto!!
I love that you're sharing these intimate parts of who you are. It's vulnerable and precious. I hold your stories with compassion and admire your courage to share.
Thank you so much, Mel. That means a lot to me. So nice to hear from you, too! 💚
My current wife and I, on our second time around, refer to ourselves in our first marriages as "young and dumb." What did we know then about mature love? Not much. She was 20 first time and I was 21. Seven good things that came from those first marriages, are seven children, 4 from her and 3 from me and they are all now adults with their own children. Our kids had good parenting that contributed to their becoming responsible, caring and independent people and we're proud of all them and their accomplishments. One of the blessings are now 14 grandchildren and one great grandson all of 7 months old. We made lots of mistakes early on and we did some good things too.
I like your "slow passage to real love." Here's a short piece you might enjoy:
garygruber.com/love-is
Great piece, Gary, thanks for sharing. "unconditional love will have the final word in reality" Love it!
Nida, this is such a thoughtful and kind-hearted response. Thank you!
I’m so glad you liked my essay and hope to hear from you again.
Just curious, did you find your way to this essay by way of Mohika Mudgal’s recommendation? She’s been so supportive!
Very nice to meet you, Nida!
You’re very welcome! First, I found my way to Mohika’s essay via the note you posted. Then I found my way here. What a beautiful circle of support.😊
Oh, nice! 💚
A very thoughtful story of youth exploring the meaning of love. Thank you Don.
Thank you, Maureen 💚
A very profound and heartfelt essay. For those of us who’ve known love and passion like you and J felt, very young, so evocative. We carry an inclination to hope when we feel that kind of passion. Otherwise we wouldn’t jump into the deep water.
That's very true, Patris. When I write something like this I try to be respectful of and acknowledge the innocence of all involved. Thank you, Patris!
I was of course writing in self-defense. As you no doubt guessed.
And yet we’re still together, loving our grandchildren together. Both of us realizing we’re glad to be. Lucky the other in those moments refused delivery of the death blow.
Yes, thank you, Patrice. Happy for you!
I enjoyed this read! Your writing is very fluid and easy to follow.
I have been thinking about marriage recently as I approach my 10th anniversary. My experience of love in this relationship is very different than your description, and also very different than what I myself experienced in my 20s. I appreciate that you hold the possibility for love despite experiencing its demise. I too have experienced the degradation of what felt so passionate and real, and now 10+ years into a different relationship, I have experienced a deeper more respectful way of being with someone. Perhaps I will write on that in the coming weeks.
I'd also like to share the quote from the Yoga shala where I practiced years ago as it echos the one you shared and it has stuck wth me for many years: "All the love that you express will be returned to your tenfold."
Thank you so much, Lindsay. I actually entered into a healthy relationship in 2006, and we are still going strong. I wrote about my wife Jennifer and how we keeps things alive and joyous in a Valentine's Day post. Thank you for the yoga quote and best of luck in your writing!
https://donboivin.substack.com/p/the-couple-that-plays-together?r=2ywgky
Oh that's great. I look forward to reading this piece you linked. My anniversary so in a couple weeks so I am thinking about how to share the beauty that love can bring.
Happy anniversary (when it comes). I'll look forward to your post. Tag me! 🙂
Thanks for this real story, Don:). Your words, “love is generosity - a giving, not a taking - and it grows only in a heart that feels safe and whole,” stood out for me. I agree that the kind of love you’re talking about can’t really flourish through us without a sense of safety, without healing. And this makes me ponder what role love plays while we’re healing, while we’re growing in safety. I want to believe that love helps us get there, to those places of security and wholeness, even as we’re experiencing its corrupted or less than ideal forms. And then what happens when we’re really a mess, when we’re nowhere near safety and health? Again, I want to believe it’s there then too. We might not be able to have felt experience of it, but it’s there, present with us. And of course it’s there. As you’re talking about it here, love is inherent, it just is, it can do nothing but be. This is sort of a random comment! Thanks again.
Random, maybe, but I actually felt relief as I came to the end of your comment and read "of course it's there"!
And funny, something about your comment made me realize that I wrote both, "it only grows in a heart that feels safe..." and that "it is not ours; we just channel it." Which is it, Don!? haha.
I guess the important thing is to get people thinking, talking, and self-reflecting, right?
So good to have you here, Emily. Thank you! 🩷
It’s both!:). And absolutely yes to getting people, thinking, talking, etc. Thanks Don.
That's so true. We are afraid to love. I am afraid to love - to really love - to be completely open. I do have that scarcity mentality - that I will be depleted - that people will suck me dry. How do we get over the fear? Is it a letting go of the self (ego)? I feel like this is one of the most important things that we as humans need to figure out. Thank you for sharing your personal story.
Thank you, Dawn, and you sure do pose some deep questions. I will just say this: letting go of the ego cannot be an act of discipline, it can only be an act of understanding.
Thank you for being here and being a thoughtful and sensitive person! 🩷
Thank you for the beautiful essay, Don. Reading what J said about the trip to Disneyland hurt me.
I’d guess she said what would hurt him perhaps the most, as a weapon to break a tie that she knew was deep because it was to her.
Yes, quite likely. I believe sometimes, what hurts more is not the utterance itself but the spitefulness behind it.
I love that you both are talking about this. It makes me feel cared for. Yes, I was wounded, pretty deeply, by this and a few other more serious things. Thanks for caring. 🙏❤️🩹
Quite often, I am afraid to acknowledge that I care for someone, even those who are close—what am I to care, and what do I know about them? Isn't that empathy too cheap, just like pushing the "like" button below a photo of a war orphan and forgetting about the kid for good in less than a minute? Still, I want to believe that I care for you Don, despite that I have no idea who you truly are.
When your heart goes out, that's caring :-)
I understand the nature of connecting here. I'll forget who said what soon! But when you said that reading what J said hurt you, that healed me a little bit!
Having been on that painful side of a challenge at the sometimes necessary end to a relationship, it is a weapon - that stabs both parties. As irretrievable as a gunshot.
Apologies for mixed metaphor.
Yes, words are certainly as powerful as weapons, and must be handled with care.
Thanks for this latest essay, Don. I see you and John O’Donohue are settling in. Happy for you!
A wonderful essay. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Allan!
You are very welcome
What a beautiful reflection on your life's journey through 'love' and everything that can mean, Don. Isn't it amazing how there is always the potential to wake up to deeper levels of love? I really appreciate this passage:
"We can’t love because we don’t understand what an unlimited resource we actually are. Our connection to the energy of the earth and of the universe—to the ultimate source of life—means we can never be depleted. We are like an electric power line. The love that courses through us is unlimited, renewable, and not ours. We just channel it. Our fears, which come of a too-narrow view of self, clog up that line.
Mindfulness—honest, non-judgmental self-reflection—is like a stint, opening things up so the love can flow."
And how sweet that you've still got the ticket stub from that Disney World journey oh so long ago : ) Artifacts from another version of 'self'!
Thanks so much, Maia! And I just had that ticket stub in my hand a few weeks ago! But I put it back—in a very deep box full of pictures—and can't remember exactly where. I had thought about including a pic of it for this essay. Tickets to the Magic Kingdom are now $124-$189!
Great writing, as usual. Just the right about of details, in my opinion. And what a topic! Who doesn't like to talk about love? It's many things to different people at different times. Hopefully, it's an evolution, too, and a living story that compels us along. xo
Thank you, Lani. That’s so nice of you to say. Great to hear from you! 💚
So good. I love listening to the audio. Your storytelling is wonderful, as are the stories you tell.
Thank you so much, Janine. That’s so kind and so nice to hear!
You nailed it.
Thanks, David!
I felt this story deeply, as it touches on several things I've been reflecting on lately. What a beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks so much, MJ! 🙏💚