My Hobbit (husband) has your same super power. He also lost access to his kids in divorce (and he did have a good lawyer, the kids are psychologically alienated against him). He blamed his ex wife 100%. And he forgave her. He let it go. He said it was more important to him to not carry resentment around.
One thing he did that really helped him through all that time was use WATER. He was washed his hands after every single interaction with the ex or the lawyers. He walked in the rain every time it rained. He showered more than usual during the hard days.
He hasn’t had contact with his kids, now young adults, in six years. He may never see them again. And he carries no resentment about that, and he doesn’t hold any regret either. He’s washed those emotions away.
It is a super power that can be cultivated and practiced and enhanced.
Thank you for sharing that story Teri. It’s heartbreaking and heartwarming both at the same time! The resilience and determination of your husband not to be defined by resentment is inspiring. 💕💕
My Hobbit inspires me every single day. He often talks about being “a happy little 💩” and he totally he. The guy laughs out loud to the thoughts inside his head every single day, multiple times a day.
Forgiveness is tough, but it's yours to do with as you please. Forgiveness is to heal you, not condone their behavior. It's like saying "I see you as a flawed human who is doing your best with the tools you have." They might be crappy tools, so they hurt you.
I like the idea of trees. It pulls things back a bit, taking it out of the personal. Trees being trees, mom being mom, ex being ex. It's all the same. I think it's finding that place of compassion that allows you to forgive. Seeing our common humanity.
Thanks for contributing to the conversation, Janine. It’s always so nice to have you here and you have a very insightful perspective. I’m glad you like the tree analogy!
I love these conversations. My years of practicing yoga and meditation have given me these insights. I come by them honestly. Like you, I had plenty of unskilled coping strategies to let go of first. It's a process...
It certainly is a process. But naming things can really help. For instance, “unskilled coping strategies.” 😊 I still don’t have all the words I need. Thanks, Janine.
Naming things really helps. I meant to write unskillful, but unskilled is similar. It acknowledges that we didn't have the skills we needed yet. It comes from that compassionate place that we all need for ourselves and others. Have you read Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff? Such a great book on the power of self-compassion and how it ties into everything. Worth the read.
We hold the key to unlock the room filled with resentment and, perhaps rage, at what is past, that hurt us. It is possible to discover we have choices, conscious choices, what we are going to do, whether to work on finding ways to let go or to hang on because we're getting some payback for stoking the fires. It's not easy and it takes time, and we might ask for help, but only if we see a possibility for a healthier response. Layers of pain, anger, resentment and fear are hard to unpack and sort through, and that's only part of the process of becoming a more forgiving and peaceful person. Thanks, Don, for sharing. You have touched many as evidenced by the comments and conversations.
Don, I forgot to add that before any change can begin, there needs to be some kind of desire or motivation to change. Susie's aphorism is "If nothing changes, nothing changes." Simple and profound, IMNSHO.
How we evolve into more of our humanity, i.e. becoming more humane, kind, compassionate and caring requires that we have a good look at ourselves and assess if we believe we are bringing the best of what we have to live in relationship with others. We have choices!
Yes, consider what happens when someone stops the blame game. It’s not that something is not the result of someone else’s bad behavior, but getting mired down or caught in that is emotional quicksand.
🥹...Don thank you SO much for sharing these beautiful words. I struggle massively with "letting go" in all areas of my life. If I could trade cutting my right arm off for the ability to let go I would strongly consider it. And it's maddening because I "know" it's simple... you just, let it go. Let it go!!! And yet, thoughts and feelings seem to stick to me harder than pink bubblegum to your shoe with super glue added for good measure. Which then I go, "ok... I shall accept that I cannot accept!" (The Deepest Acceptance is a really great book rec!) and yet somehow I seem to be back at square one. 😭 Anywho. Thank you for a brilliant read, creating space for this tumble-of-thoughts-comment, and for living a life of letting go. It is very inspiring. And I know I am fully responsible for myself, and so, I shall practice making peace with where I am at, and hopefully with letting go. 💕
I hope that someone will read a piece of my writing and feel the way I do about this piece. Like it was written just for me. I felt as if you’ve reached inside my mind and told me how I feel and what I need to do next. Thank you for this. I have a few people I need to share it with. 🙏💕
Excellent piece, Don. Emotional challenges are very difficult to articulate, especially long-term, deep seated ones. I think you are correct about equating forgiveness with letting go. I would add that the general practice of letting go can be helpful in several areas, including forgiveness.
What I have noticed over the years with inner practices is that they are indeed practices. This means repetition leading to higher levels of skill. So letting go of seemingly trivial things will contribute to letting go of the tougher ones. For example, one can start with little disappointments such as a missing a favourite TV show or running out of an minor cooking ingredient. Letting go is letting go. The level of attachment to the content determines the difficulty.
I too struggle have struggled with forgiveness at times. I had a business partner plan his exit from the business for 2 years before doing it with no warning. 2 years!! I was not a happy camper! But over time I moved on and the feeling of betrayal faded. However, and this might be pertinent to your remarks about forgiveness feeling like a denial of an experience, while I've long since forgiven him for what he did, I will never trust him again. One can forgive yet still retain the lesson of the experience.
There is no denying an experience. But one can let go of its poison.
Some excellent insights here. Thanks for adding to the conversation, Eric.
Your comment placing forgiveness under the umbrella of ‘letting go’ is helpful. Dan Ehrenkrantz also pointed out to me the confusing “muddle” of what forgiveness really is. He urged me to ask, If forgiveness is more accurately [my original word, which I changed] called letting go, why call it forgiveness?
But a skill under any other name is still a skill!
Thank you for pointing out that inner practices are practices, something that requires repetition to achieve. Letting go is so important, but sometimes not easy to do, hence the need for practice! Brings to mind a little song from some children's program I saw long ago with my kids - practice, practice, do it again, over and over till you get it right.
This is important guidance, Don. Forgiveness--if that's what we choose to call it--can feel like letting the other person off the hook, which is a blow to our self-worth and dignity. In fact, though, it's letting ourselves off the hook, freeing us from having to continue hauling around the hurt and anger. If the person is still alive, or still in our lives to any degree, it doesn't mean we "let them back in." We just set down the burden of whatever it is the other person did and move forward. Much easier said than done, but what a relief when it comes!
Oh, gosh, not at all, Don! If it weren't for your examples and storytelling, most of us would still be flailing around without direction on this. It's easier to synthesize when someone else has done the hard work of going into detail. :)
I had trouble with this, Don. Forgiveness is indeed a challenging concept and saying that we forgive someone can sometimes feel like ignoring our feelings in an attempt to soothe whoever has offended us. It often is not simple, but it is a worthy goal. We risk sabotaging ourselves when we lead ourselves to believe we have forgiven someone when we still harbor feelings of resentment, anger and rage. It can be an act of self-deception to say we forgive someone when we really don't. Sitting with whatever emotions we are feeling, both pleasant and unpleasant, goes a long way to help us see ourselves more clearly, not pushing down unpleasant feelings but acknowledging their existence can help us live in reality, with all its warts, instead of living in a fantasy world where everything is beautiful. I value your writing and look forward to the continued treat of reading it. Thank you.
Thanks, Susan, and I actually meant to dedicate a few more words to that first sentiment: Permission Not to Forgive. Really, to honoring one’s feelings and not acting only out of a desire to get rid of them.
A whole book is in order, but someone else is already writing it haha!
Lovely, thoughtful piece on a very challenging topic as many have expressed. Thank you. Just one thing I would correct re what you said re memories. They are not only in the head/brain. They live in the body as well and are much more difficult to let go of there.
Excellent work as always. Personally I don’t like the word “forgiveness “ because of its connotation with religion and all that baggage. I prefer to simply say, “I refuse to grant anyone permission to make me feel bad.” You may say this is “ignorance “, and indeed it is. It is ignoring those who make us feel bad. I put the emphasis in the second syllable, “ig-nor’-ance.” Don’t give anyone else the power to make you feel bad.
Thanks for listening. The greatest need of humans: to be appreciated and understood. And I do appreciate you, and understand and agree with your sentiments.
Hi, thank you for this important and great article!... I think we should accept the fact that if we want to change, evolve, and be a more mature version of ourselves, forgiveness is the first step on the ladder that leads to peace. However, this acceptance does not mean that you will accomplish this in one day. We should strive for this, as you did and are still doing perfectly.
Reading articles or books about this subject from different perspectives, such as psychology, spirituality, Sufism, etc., and sharing them always helps us. This is what I’ve been doing since I decided to change almost 25 years ago. And I assure you that it works...And I'm still doing this. I mean, not only reading but also sharing is important. Therefore, a few days ago, I also shared an excerpt from a psychiatrist on this subject. If you want to read it, here it is...
Thank you for the book recommendations as well. Nowadays, I'm also reading a wonderful book that is also helping me a lot in understanding myself. I hope it also helps some.
The idea of forgiveness is complex, and you discuss it so well in this article. It's difficult to find forgiveness sometimes. In my case, my ex-husband was abusive during our marriage, not physically, but horrifically. The most damning example: By the time I got diagnosed with breast cancer, my ex-husband had been draining our finances and stealing whatever income I brought in. I worked; he decided to stay home and steal from me. During chemotherapy and radiation, which happened simultaneously, I had to work two jobs to keep us afloat financially. He didn't care. After cancer treatment ended, we got divorced. I did some thinking after treatment ended and realized that I didn't fight so hard to live, just to merely exist. Thus, the divorce.
I tell this story a lot -- to help others going through similar situations and just to tell the story because it's important to me to share this. I am no longer bitter and angry. I've moved on. I am content. But I have not forgotten what I went through. How could I forget this trauma?
After reading your wonderful article, I realize that forgiveness is a choice. I think, when it comes to my ex-husband, I like to think of it, as you explain, as hitting the reset button. I also love the phrase "Let go and let God." I have let go of all anger and resentment, but I still tell the story. It's an important story, but it's not my only story. Since divorce, my life has become much happier. I've become an artist and have found my voice. I am grateful.
Thank you, as usual, for a great, insightful post. I so appreciate you.
Don, As usual, I find your writing deeply inspiring and deeply moving, full of honesty and presented in ways of example to which many of us can relate. I confess I find the word “forgiveness” troubling and I’m probably not alone in that thinking. It’s probably the sense that use of the word and applying it is a sign of letting someone else off the hook, giving them a pass. I therefore skip the semantics and prefer “acceptance”. Acceptance of the situation or the person for what it is or who they are. I will accept another person (or myself, if it’s something I did or said) for who they are or what they did, not in judgement, but by stepping back and looking at the why, the cause, the result, any of which may be not of their doing. There will always be people that will find delight in manipulating others, being cruel, acting out, causing misery. But the choice is ours to decide how, when, if, and to what degree we choose to let that person control our thoughts and moods. This is not an easy thing. I’m naturally analytical and judgmental. But judgmental means passing judgement and who are we to judge, rarely if ever knowing all the facts and reasons?
I believe in free will, but know others may not be able to successfully make use of it, nor or I at times. That may mean that other person, flawed, as we all have flaws, may not be able to change or only change so little as not to matter.
So accept, let go of the control the other person has upon us. It’s our choice.
I love this Don. Especially the analogy of trees and the idea that 'everything that happens, is a consequence of conditions'.
I just want to add, from what I see in my therapy room, that often when people are struggling to forgive, they have not fully allowed themselves to grieve, to feel the extent of the hurt, the loss and the pain. And that when they are able to do this and hold their pain with compassion, forgiveness often seems to naturally and spontaneously arise. I witness this many times in trauma therapy work. The lack of forgiveness can be showing us the places where we are stuck.
That is most insightful, Vicki, and I wish I could go back and add it to my essay lol. 😇
I'm receiving the message more and more lately; to honor one's feelings rather than only enacting techniques to get rid of them. Or a skillful application of both. Gotta remember that! Thank you, Doctor! 🩷
My Hobbit (husband) has your same super power. He also lost access to his kids in divorce (and he did have a good lawyer, the kids are psychologically alienated against him). He blamed his ex wife 100%. And he forgave her. He let it go. He said it was more important to him to not carry resentment around.
One thing he did that really helped him through all that time was use WATER. He was washed his hands after every single interaction with the ex or the lawyers. He walked in the rain every time it rained. He showered more than usual during the hard days.
He hasn’t had contact with his kids, now young adults, in six years. He may never see them again. And he carries no resentment about that, and he doesn’t hold any regret either. He’s washed those emotions away.
It is a super power that can be cultivated and practiced and enhanced.
Still breaks my heart to hear it. 😞
Thank you for sharing that story Teri. It’s heartbreaking and heartwarming both at the same time! The resilience and determination of your husband not to be defined by resentment is inspiring. 💕💕
My Hobbit inspires me every single day. He often talks about being “a happy little 💩” and he totally he. The guy laughs out loud to the thoughts inside his head every single day, multiple times a day.
That’s so sweet 💕💕
Teri, that story is so sad, yet inspiring. Thank you for sharing.
Beautiful sharing as usual, Don.
Forgiveness is tough, but it's yours to do with as you please. Forgiveness is to heal you, not condone their behavior. It's like saying "I see you as a flawed human who is doing your best with the tools you have." They might be crappy tools, so they hurt you.
I like the idea of trees. It pulls things back a bit, taking it out of the personal. Trees being trees, mom being mom, ex being ex. It's all the same. I think it's finding that place of compassion that allows you to forgive. Seeing our common humanity.
Thanks for contributing to the conversation, Janine. It’s always so nice to have you here and you have a very insightful perspective. I’m glad you like the tree analogy!
I love these conversations. My years of practicing yoga and meditation have given me these insights. I come by them honestly. Like you, I had plenty of unskilled coping strategies to let go of first. It's a process...
It certainly is a process. But naming things can really help. For instance, “unskilled coping strategies.” 😊 I still don’t have all the words I need. Thanks, Janine.
Naming things really helps. I meant to write unskillful, but unskilled is similar. It acknowledges that we didn't have the skills we needed yet. It comes from that compassionate place that we all need for ourselves and others. Have you read Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff? Such a great book on the power of self-compassion and how it ties into everything. Worth the read.
I have not read that. Thanks for the recommendation :-)
We hold the key to unlock the room filled with resentment and, perhaps rage, at what is past, that hurt us. It is possible to discover we have choices, conscious choices, what we are going to do, whether to work on finding ways to let go or to hang on because we're getting some payback for stoking the fires. It's not easy and it takes time, and we might ask for help, but only if we see a possibility for a healthier response. Layers of pain, anger, resentment and fear are hard to unpack and sort through, and that's only part of the process of becoming a more forgiving and peaceful person. Thanks, Don, for sharing. You have touched many as evidenced by the comments and conversations.
Thank you so very much, my friend, Gary 🙏💚
Don, I forgot to add that before any change can begin, there needs to be some kind of desire or motivation to change. Susie's aphorism is "If nothing changes, nothing changes." Simple and profound, IMNSHO.
Yes, that’s a good one, and explains why some people grow and mature and others don’t
How we evolve into more of our humanity, i.e. becoming more humane, kind, compassionate and caring requires that we have a good look at ourselves and assess if we believe we are bringing the best of what we have to live in relationship with others. We have choices!
That may represent the epitome of self-empowerment. Grasping and believing that those choices are ours.
Yes, consider what happens when someone stops the blame game. It’s not that something is not the result of someone else’s bad behavior, but getting mired down or caught in that is emotional quicksand.
🥹...Don thank you SO much for sharing these beautiful words. I struggle massively with "letting go" in all areas of my life. If I could trade cutting my right arm off for the ability to let go I would strongly consider it. And it's maddening because I "know" it's simple... you just, let it go. Let it go!!! And yet, thoughts and feelings seem to stick to me harder than pink bubblegum to your shoe with super glue added for good measure. Which then I go, "ok... I shall accept that I cannot accept!" (The Deepest Acceptance is a really great book rec!) and yet somehow I seem to be back at square one. 😭 Anywho. Thank you for a brilliant read, creating space for this tumble-of-thoughts-comment, and for living a life of letting go. It is very inspiring. And I know I am fully responsible for myself, and so, I shall practice making peace with where I am at, and hopefully with letting go. 💕
Thank you so much, Megan. I decided to share your comment to Notes so most of my thoughts are there. So good to have you here!
I hope that someone will read a piece of my writing and feel the way I do about this piece. Like it was written just for me. I felt as if you’ve reached inside my mind and told me how I feel and what I need to do next. Thank you for this. I have a few people I need to share it with. 🙏💕
That is an incredible compliment, Georgia. Thank you so much. I wish you love and peace! 🙏💚
Thank you Don 💕
Excellent piece, Don. Emotional challenges are very difficult to articulate, especially long-term, deep seated ones. I think you are correct about equating forgiveness with letting go. I would add that the general practice of letting go can be helpful in several areas, including forgiveness.
What I have noticed over the years with inner practices is that they are indeed practices. This means repetition leading to higher levels of skill. So letting go of seemingly trivial things will contribute to letting go of the tougher ones. For example, one can start with little disappointments such as a missing a favourite TV show or running out of an minor cooking ingredient. Letting go is letting go. The level of attachment to the content determines the difficulty.
I too struggle have struggled with forgiveness at times. I had a business partner plan his exit from the business for 2 years before doing it with no warning. 2 years!! I was not a happy camper! But over time I moved on and the feeling of betrayal faded. However, and this might be pertinent to your remarks about forgiveness feeling like a denial of an experience, while I've long since forgiven him for what he did, I will never trust him again. One can forgive yet still retain the lesson of the experience.
There is no denying an experience. But one can let go of its poison.
Some excellent insights here. Thanks for adding to the conversation, Eric.
Your comment placing forgiveness under the umbrella of ‘letting go’ is helpful. Dan Ehrenkrantz also pointed out to me the confusing “muddle” of what forgiveness really is. He urged me to ask, If forgiveness is more accurately [my original word, which I changed] called letting go, why call it forgiveness?
But a skill under any other name is still a skill!
Thanks, Eric.
Thank you for pointing out that inner practices are practices, something that requires repetition to achieve. Letting go is so important, but sometimes not easy to do, hence the need for practice! Brings to mind a little song from some children's program I saw long ago with my kids - practice, practice, do it again, over and over till you get it right.
This is important guidance, Don. Forgiveness--if that's what we choose to call it--can feel like letting the other person off the hook, which is a blow to our self-worth and dignity. In fact, though, it's letting ourselves off the hook, freeing us from having to continue hauling around the hurt and anger. If the person is still alive, or still in our lives to any degree, it doesn't mean we "let them back in." We just set down the burden of whatever it is the other person did and move forward. Much easier said than done, but what a relief when it comes!
Well, put, Elizabeth! Geez, I didn’t have to write a 2000 word essay, I could have just had you do a guest post for me lol.
Seriously, sometimes a commenter like you puts things so succinctly that it makes me wanna go back and do a rewrite.
Thank you, Elizabeth. Thanks for being here. 🙏💚
Oh, gosh, not at all, Don! If it weren't for your examples and storytelling, most of us would still be flailing around without direction on this. It's easier to synthesize when someone else has done the hard work of going into detail. :)
Aw, thanks, Elizabeth. 😊
I had trouble with this, Don. Forgiveness is indeed a challenging concept and saying that we forgive someone can sometimes feel like ignoring our feelings in an attempt to soothe whoever has offended us. It often is not simple, but it is a worthy goal. We risk sabotaging ourselves when we lead ourselves to believe we have forgiven someone when we still harbor feelings of resentment, anger and rage. It can be an act of self-deception to say we forgive someone when we really don't. Sitting with whatever emotions we are feeling, both pleasant and unpleasant, goes a long way to help us see ourselves more clearly, not pushing down unpleasant feelings but acknowledging their existence can help us live in reality, with all its warts, instead of living in a fantasy world where everything is beautiful. I value your writing and look forward to the continued treat of reading it. Thank you.
Thanks, Susan, and I actually meant to dedicate a few more words to that first sentiment: Permission Not to Forgive. Really, to honoring one’s feelings and not acting only out of a desire to get rid of them.
A whole book is in order, but someone else is already writing it haha!
After coming to understand this some years ago, I began a new journey of great peace and happiness. Thank you.
That’s wonderful, rena, thanks for sharing. 🙏💕
https://a.co/d/dTvbhI4
Feelings come and go every moment of the day. It seems wise to honor the feeling if it is a good one and to let it go if not
I like Rumi’s poem —-the guest house.
It is about being human and allowing feelings to be. If we welcome each as a guest we can perhaps learn something from it.
Good poem, Denise! 🙏
Lovely, thoughtful piece on a very challenging topic as many have expressed. Thank you. Just one thing I would correct re what you said re memories. They are not only in the head/brain. They live in the body as well and are much more difficult to let go of there.
Thank you, Diane. 🙏
Excellent work as always. Personally I don’t like the word “forgiveness “ because of its connotation with religion and all that baggage. I prefer to simply say, “I refuse to grant anyone permission to make me feel bad.” You may say this is “ignorance “, and indeed it is. It is ignoring those who make us feel bad. I put the emphasis in the second syllable, “ig-nor’-ance.” Don’t give anyone else the power to make you feel bad.
Yup, I hear you, David. Thanks, my friend!
Thanks for listening. The greatest need of humans: to be appreciated and understood. And I do appreciate you, and understand and agree with your sentiments.
Hi, thank you for this important and great article!... I think we should accept the fact that if we want to change, evolve, and be a more mature version of ourselves, forgiveness is the first step on the ladder that leads to peace. However, this acceptance does not mean that you will accomplish this in one day. We should strive for this, as you did and are still doing perfectly.
Reading articles or books about this subject from different perspectives, such as psychology, spirituality, Sufism, etc., and sharing them always helps us. This is what I’ve been doing since I decided to change almost 25 years ago. And I assure you that it works...And I'm still doing this. I mean, not only reading but also sharing is important. Therefore, a few days ago, I also shared an excerpt from a psychiatrist on this subject. If you want to read it, here it is...
https://open.substack.com/pub/mysticheartphd/p/forgiveness?r=3lctwb&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Thank you for the book recommendations as well. Nowadays, I'm also reading a wonderful book that is also helping me a lot in understanding myself. I hope it also helps some.
https://www.amazon.com/Loving-What-Four-Questions-Change/dp/1400045371
All the best.
Yes, books are a lifesaver! Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment and for the recommendations! 🙏💚
You are more than welcome. I noticed that I've not been following you. Now, I'll follow. Best wishes. 🙏💖
Thank you!
Don,
The idea of forgiveness is complex, and you discuss it so well in this article. It's difficult to find forgiveness sometimes. In my case, my ex-husband was abusive during our marriage, not physically, but horrifically. The most damning example: By the time I got diagnosed with breast cancer, my ex-husband had been draining our finances and stealing whatever income I brought in. I worked; he decided to stay home and steal from me. During chemotherapy and radiation, which happened simultaneously, I had to work two jobs to keep us afloat financially. He didn't care. After cancer treatment ended, we got divorced. I did some thinking after treatment ended and realized that I didn't fight so hard to live, just to merely exist. Thus, the divorce.
I tell this story a lot -- to help others going through similar situations and just to tell the story because it's important to me to share this. I am no longer bitter and angry. I've moved on. I am content. But I have not forgotten what I went through. How could I forget this trauma?
After reading your wonderful article, I realize that forgiveness is a choice. I think, when it comes to my ex-husband, I like to think of it, as you explain, as hitting the reset button. I also love the phrase "Let go and let God." I have let go of all anger and resentment, but I still tell the story. It's an important story, but it's not my only story. Since divorce, my life has become much happier. I've become an artist and have found my voice. I am grateful.
Thank you, as usual, for a great, insightful post. I so appreciate you.
Thank you so much for sharing this heartbreaking story, Beth. Thank goodness we don’t have to rely on one person for our happiness.
Don, As usual, I find your writing deeply inspiring and deeply moving, full of honesty and presented in ways of example to which many of us can relate. I confess I find the word “forgiveness” troubling and I’m probably not alone in that thinking. It’s probably the sense that use of the word and applying it is a sign of letting someone else off the hook, giving them a pass. I therefore skip the semantics and prefer “acceptance”. Acceptance of the situation or the person for what it is or who they are. I will accept another person (or myself, if it’s something I did or said) for who they are or what they did, not in judgement, but by stepping back and looking at the why, the cause, the result, any of which may be not of their doing. There will always be people that will find delight in manipulating others, being cruel, acting out, causing misery. But the choice is ours to decide how, when, if, and to what degree we choose to let that person control our thoughts and moods. This is not an easy thing. I’m naturally analytical and judgmental. But judgmental means passing judgement and who are we to judge, rarely if ever knowing all the facts and reasons?
I believe in free will, but know others may not be able to successfully make use of it, nor or I at times. That may mean that other person, flawed, as we all have flaws, may not be able to change or only change so little as not to matter.
So accept, let go of the control the other person has upon us. It’s our choice.
Thank you, Michael G. Your contribution to this conversation on forgiveness is thoughtful and important. I'm glad you're here! 🙏💚
I love this Don. Especially the analogy of trees and the idea that 'everything that happens, is a consequence of conditions'.
I just want to add, from what I see in my therapy room, that often when people are struggling to forgive, they have not fully allowed themselves to grieve, to feel the extent of the hurt, the loss and the pain. And that when they are able to do this and hold their pain with compassion, forgiveness often seems to naturally and spontaneously arise. I witness this many times in trauma therapy work. The lack of forgiveness can be showing us the places where we are stuck.
That is most insightful, Vicki, and I wish I could go back and add it to my essay lol. 😇
I'm receiving the message more and more lately; to honor one's feelings rather than only enacting techniques to get rid of them. Or a skillful application of both. Gotta remember that! Thank you, Doctor! 🩷