How I Deal with Stress

Attending to the Self with Lovingkindness

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Two thoughtful pieces at DeCordova Sculpture Park in Lincoln, Massachusetts

Listening

The best way to show love to a troubled friend or partner is to give them your undivided attention; to listen to them carefully, with your ears and with your heart. When I listen to someone this way, without interrupting and without imposing my own views or advice, they seem to feel comforted, even if I can’t offer a solution or if I don’t really understand their concerns.

The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. Thich Nhat Hanh.

This same loving attention can be applied to myself when I have problems. If I’m stressed out by something that I can’t seem to fix or change, I just sit down comfortably somewhere, or go for a quiet walk alone, and try to listen, to observe my stress without judging it or resisting it or trying to stop it. I give this feeling my undivided attention.

This doesn’t mean to continue to play the endless reel of thoughts that are contributing to the stress, but rather to go deeper; to pay attention to the stress itself as something organic that exists in my body and deserves to be understood.

Note that by “going deeper than the words,” I do not mean forcing myself not to think. That isn’t necessary. Focusing on this deeper question, trying to actually become aware of stress as a feeling in my body rather than as a thought process very often results in those racing thoughts settling down on their own. Then, I am already feeling calmer.

Beneath the words and images that always seem to accompany stress, what is stress actually? These are the questions I ask myself. Where is the stress located in my body? What does it feel like? Of course, it feels bad, but what is that feeling, really? Is it a physical pain, a nervous energy, a headache? Does stress exist in the same place as my thoughts? Or is it in my heart, my nerves, my muscles, my stomach? If stress is hormonal, was there a thought that first caused my body to release that chemical? Do thoughts lead to feelings or is it the other way round?

Getting To Know Me

If I pay attention consistently, I begin to grow more intimate and familiar with my body and its operational nuances; how it reacts to various stimuli, and how long those reactions last. One particular thing I notice is that my feelings always shift eventually, sometimes within hours, sometimes longer. If I’m really getting into the habit of paying attention, I’ll notice the days or times when I am not feeling stress, and I’ll mentally note that as proof that stress does indeed go away on its own. And then, the next time I feel anxious, I remember that, and it comforts me a little. Remember last week, Don, when you were so miserable and you thought you would never be happy again? Well, look at you now, laughing with your friends!

When that assurance comes, not from a friend or a book or a meditation app telling me I’ll feel better soon—that All things are impermanent, or, This too shall pass—but from my own direct experience, it’s much more powerful and effective at calming my nerves.

The Practice

All of this is part of my mindfulness and meditation practice. Obviously, in order to pay closer attention to one’s mind and body, one needs to slow down, to stop and just sit quietly, or walk gently—not reading or watching TV or scrolling or talking—at least for brief periods. That is all meditation really is. Stopping and paying attention. Of course, there are many, many opinions on how to meditate, but what it really comes down to is just stopping and paying attention for a few moments to what is happening right here, right now. This action alone, even if taken for one minute, will introduce you to a peace that you didn’t even realize was there. Peace is the permanent, if unnoticed, baseline, the ground of existence; it accompanies you through every moment, whether stressful or otherwise, and it’s just a matter of tuning in to it. Peace is there for you when you’re ready for it.

Stress, on the other hand, is just an action, an overlying movement of energy, that obscures your view or your awareness of that peace.

Some may call this peace The Ultimate, God, The Unconditioned, Nirvana, the Universe, or even Love.

I don’t feel the need to pay attention to what others call it because once I come to know directly this place within that is actually free—free of stress, free of others’ expectations of me, free of all questions that take me out of the present moment—I learn how to go there whenever I need and take refuge from the things of this world that can seem so important, so pressing, so dire. It’s like trekking a path to an oft-visited place. I don’t need to know the name of my favorite pond-side overlook, but I do need to remember how to get there.

The path to peace is attention. Attention to the breath; to the space and silence that exists all around me even when things are very noisy; to the ticking of the clock, the chirping of the crickets, the singing of the birds, the whisper of the wind; to my body, to my mind; to what’s happening in this very moment.

Summing Up

How do I deal with stress? With attention. I attend to it. Not to the terrible things of the world that I think are the source of my stress, and not to my own incessant thoughts about those terrible things—that’s what I’ve been doing all my life and it hasn’t helped—but to the actual source, which is my own body and mind—the vessel that contains my thoughts and my feelings—and the quiet space in which that vessel exists. After all, I am the one who is stressed, right? I listen to my own self with loving attention, and soon I come to realize that regardless of what is happening in the outside world, regardless of all the inner and outer noise and disappointments and unmet expectations, I am, at my core, okay. I am peace. I am love.

DB

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