When I was called out on being judgmental one time, my quick retort was, “Then I shan’t ever utter another word!”
Of course I didn’t stick to not ever talking again. However I did reflect that no matter what or where we are looking, we are judging someone or something in some way, form or another. But I get it, and I like how you stated being mindful of when we are doing it. From now on when I catch myself being judgmental, I shall think, “Elephant” and remember, because it brought a smile to my heart and I will note how silly I am being in that moment.
Wow, this is great. The choice between being right and being at peace. Our egoic self wants to be right but then somebody else has to be wrong, which means there's conflict. By allowing others and ourselves to have our unique experience without judgement, we can be at peace. Harder said then done, but I think making the effort in the first place is already a big part of the work :)
Very well put, Robin. “Allowing” is the key word, isn’t it? It certainly is not always easy to allow someone else to have their experience without butting in! 😇
I’m still working on this one as well, especially in a world that appears to exist only to render and pronounce judgments on each other. For years I secretly mocked others for dressing the same way they did as preteens, tshirts and shorts, etc., until one day I saw my reflection in a store window wearing jeans and button shirt and reality dawned that I was actually doing exactly the same thing. As a kid I was always pushing through the undergrowth in the woods or other places and the jeans protected my legs, and while I did sometimes wear a T-shirt with an approved message I gave them up when I achieved Dad-bod status. So I do dress pretty much the same way I did as a kid. Busted.
I hear you, Robert. It's the best practice; to begin to notice how often we judge throughout each day. I do it constantly! Sometimes it's so subtle, it's just a feeling not put into words. Maybe a slight feeling of disdain when I glance at someone in the street.
But as I say, the purpose is not to hate ourselves, or judge ourselves in any way—that's just more judgement! It's just to be more awake, more aware. Positive change comes out of that!
🤣Nice title!🤣 And once again, such a good springboard for discussion, Don! Judgment is a marvelous tangle, one of my favorite subjects to mentally wrestle with, as it is interwoven really constantly with every aspect of daily life…
So much good reflection in this piece. “I had projected my opinions onto him, rather than seeing him for who he was.” To see this in ourselves, describe it, and respond to it is so key! I don’t think I’ll find myself alone in saying this is a lifelong effort, and as many times as I do it right, and as many years as I’ve been practicing, I still slip! And each slip only reminds me how important it is to keep doing the work :)
“We take the time to look closely at the true nature of reality and our own sense of self, and go from there.” Humility, self-assessment, sorting feelings from facts, specifically seeking understanding of truth. How can we hope to live compassionate lives in an overflowing world without these critical skills? And yet, all so easily overlooked in any momentary reaction…
Judgment is such a prime example of a beneficial ability that becomes harmful through wrong use. It’s interesting because it’s a really stark contrast. To have good judgment in this diverse world is really useful, maybe even essential! To be judgmental in this diverse world is really harmful and widely destructive.
The purpose of human judgment should be for us to accurately understand our circumstances so that we can properly respond to the enormous variety of situations we encounter in everyday life. Quite a useful skillset :) And yet, easy to go wrong if you leave out either of the pieces: accurately understand, or properly respond 🤣
The thing that bothers me most about the topic of judgment in my own faith is the way that it’s misrepresented in such ugly ways, *in both directions*! A certain church or belief-set becomes an excuse to judge those outside harshly and with contempt. But the very same system uses not-judging as an excuse for members of their circle to repeatedly and knowingly cause harm. I can’t think of another single teaching that is so broadly misused.
Of course, I even also have a monster truck story of my own! Our family once went to a monster truck rally with someone because I considered them a friend and wanted to be accepting of their interest. But, honestly, I wouldn’t do it again. Because unlike deciding on a career, which is a mostly neutral choice, monster truck enthusiasm has specific detriments to people and the environment - noisy, gas-powered celebration of damage and destruction. That doesn’t align with my life values - which is something that doesn’t matter a lot in passing, but will matter if you’re talking about the course of a friendship.
The thing is, over time, this friend turned out to be someone who was very consistently self-absorbed, eventually manipulative, and then cruel. Because I was so focused on acceptance instead of understanding, I failed to notice a variety of signs that her values were material and friendships were transactional - and that ended up causing me a lot of pain. So, in that sense, the monster-truck scenario was giving me some valuable information. If I had understood it more accurately, I would have responded differently.
So if I had it to do over again, I would politely decline 🤣
It’s this constant balance, isn’t it? To recognize, to understand, to be able to see beneficial and harmful - and always, always, to still interact and respond in kindness and compassion.
“Judgement is judgment; it is what it is. Mindfulness simply helps us to become aware of it. To not fall victim to it every time it pronounces itself.” I so agree! And I would expand further - to not fall victim to misusing it because of our own biases and projections.
"Compassion comes about from understanding, not from worship or compliance." Yes! Right?! In my faith, the act of looking closely at the true nature of reality and my own sense of self is what results in worship and compliance. :) Putting that out of order is intensely harmful - and unfortunately the more frequent scenario, from what I’ve seen.
Another one for the books, Don, always so much to think about here!
I so much appreciate how deeply you engage with my essays, Sydney. Thank you so much!
I actually laughed at myself when I came up with this title. It gave me great pleasure!
Recently, someone pointed out the difference between judgment and discernment. It was at a meditation meeting where a new member was asking how he was supposed to get through life without judging. And of course that brings up a few problems. One being the difference between making value judgments on people based on unexamined beliefs, versus discerning whether a path, a decision, or a person is going to be healthy for us, lead to well-being. I am aware, for instance, of a real correlation between people who like big trucks and aggressive behavior. My mindfulness helps me to remember that this is not always so, and even if it is so, the person is still a human with intrinsic value. Doesn’t mean we have to be their friend ha ha!
The other question raised by the questioner at meditation is that of putting the cart before the horse. Like you said, Sydney; understanding first, then decisions as to moral beliefs and behavior. No one is “supposed to” not judge. It’s a matter of honest observation, whether judgment leads to good or bad.
Whew. I am dictating this into my phone as I walk home from the hospital, where my mother-in-law was just admitted. I left my wife Jennifer there to check on her. We are in Flagstaff for the week and Substack/social media time is limited. I hope I’ve made sense!
Mainly it is just a pleasure to connect with you,, Sydney 🩷
Absolutely - discernment is a great term for distinguishing in that way. "Doesn't mean we have to be their friend" was an important realization for me, actually - being able to think kindly and compassionately towards someone, while also realizing they were not healthy to be around - and being able to choose that separation without feeling guilty.
Oh no! I hope everything's okay? (And wow, I'm a complete novice at dictating - everything made perfect sense, I never would have known!) Take good care, wishing all of you positive outcomes...
I mentioned that I was dictating because I thought I might publish my comment without first editing and repairing, which is always necessary after voice dictation, so wanted to explain the bad grammar, misspellings, and confusion. But I am incapable of doing that. I just can’t leave a messy note ha ha. But in the end, dictating is great. It’s so much faster, even faster than typing with 10 fingers on my laptop. (I learned to type in high school, thank goodness.). So if I am not at my laptop, as I am not now because I am back at the hospital, I dictate.
Jennifer‘s mom is going to be all right. She’ll be here for a few days. She’s 87 and her health has been deteriorating pretty quickly. Thanks, Sydney!
When I realize (finally) that “not everyone is having the same experience as me,” when I imagine myself as a person who likes monster trucks for example, then I can have compassion for the person who does like those kinds of trucks - because my imagination or mindfulness (and no, those terms aren’t necessarily interchangeable but often work well together:) have helped me to see them as human. I experience our “interbeing” as Thich Nhat Hanh says. And I relax. Thanks Don!
Emily, thank you for this comment. You have actually helped me in an unexpected way. Just this morning someone told me that a theme of my blog is seeing the humanness in others. And I thought, no it’s not, I never said that. And I was trying to understand what they meant because it’s for an interview I am participating in. Now you have given me the answer, showing me that they are right, I just don’t use that term. Now I know I can use my latest post in responding agreeably to their question. Thank you! :-)
Also, just thank you for your thoughtful response. It’s always great to hear from you, Emily!
This really made me smile! I agree that your writing is rooted in humanness because it is rooted in the present, and that is where we are. I'm glad my comment helped you out:)
I feel layers peeling off just reading this and listening to the essay in your voice. Definitely an essay that makes one check themselves, their own nature. I forgive myself for judging, and I forgive others for judging. It feels good to be easy. Light. Compassionate, thank you for reminding us that all the love we want we can find within ourselves and pour it out ❤️🧡
Well written and insightful, Don! I'm so grateful for your presence and your work.
I always love your very close attention to the act of paying close attention to one's inner state, and how external stimuli stir things up within us. And then of course this discussion itself can become the object of attention. I'm fascinated by this recursive dance of framing, and then moving outside that frame (with a new frame around everything), and so on, to infinity. Kind of like riding in the back of a pickup truck (or monster truck, I suppose) and observing the world move away from you as the vehicle drives forwards, always incorporating more into your field of view from the "edges" as the past (the road the vehicle has already traversed) moves to the center of your gaze and eventually nearly vanishes, asymptotically.
Bit of a tangent there, but to me the kind of "meaningless" aesthetic of visions like that actually helps make sense of the world, or helps me rest in it even though I don't actually know much.
Anyway, your piece also reminds me that everyone creates their own meaning. Maybe for some folks, the sight of a monster truck, with its oversized wheels, huge suspension, etc., brings about primal feelings of power deep within them. (My 2-year-old son is totally obsessed with trucks, and it really does feel like an organic interest coming from him in an authentic way; none of the rest of us are into trucks, and it's not like he watches a lot of commercials about trucks or whatnot.) Maybe monster truck fans connect with other monster truck fans who also feel that primal joy, and teach their kids to appreciate it too. Just because they're not into Van Gogh or Yerba Mate doesn't mean their interests don't resonate with something deep within them that can be used as a bridge for human connection.
Thanks for being a great writer, a great man, and a great friend.
Enjoyed this. Mindfulness is awareness. It doesn’t make me this perfect person. It doesn’t happen overnight. I’m slower to respond and listening better to other people’s POV. There is a touch of empathy in mindfulness. Day by day.
Funny, not funny, how we stumble over ourselves time after time learning how to get out of our own way by suspending judgment and checking an opinion before blurting it out. We would do well to practice restraint and be sure our mind is in gear before starting our mouth. At least, that might be a good start. Whether I call it mindfulness or minding my mind, I believe it is about being more consciously aware, sensitive, thoughtful, kind and considerate. I'll go with that today.
Great piece! I often find myself in a similar conundrum- judging people I can't understand or relate to. We must encourage joy in ourselves and others as much as possible.
Great examples, Don, and a timely reminder for me. I could use it almost everyday, truth be told. I found my way out of organized religion because I couldn't take the feeling of being both defendant and prosecutor. What was it Gandhi said: I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. A broad brush statement, no doubt, but I understand his point.
I still struggle with monster trucks, particularly noisy ones, but I'm sure I make lots of "noise" others find disagreeable. Have mercy.
🙂 I certainly won't be attending any monster truck rallies! And I actually had to issue an apology to the environment and environmentalists this morning for seeming to endorse these fuel guzzlers. What bad timing on my part posting this on Earth Day! I really just wasn't thinking of that because it's not the theme of this essay. Oops!
Great insight here. To examine our judgement rather than admonish ourselves… I like that. I know I do it without intention, then tell myself not nice, so what. Feels like talking it out with myself lessens me doing so. Recognizing and allowing ourselves this natural behavior can make us more compassionate I think… don’t judge a book by its cover kinda thing! Great piece Don…thank you! 😊
Oh, yeah, you're on Cape Cod? Nice to meet you! Thanks for reading, James. 🙏
You are now a proud Cape Codder! 😀
When I was called out on being judgmental one time, my quick retort was, “Then I shan’t ever utter another word!”
Of course I didn’t stick to not ever talking again. However I did reflect that no matter what or where we are looking, we are judging someone or something in some way, form or another. But I get it, and I like how you stated being mindful of when we are doing it. From now on when I catch myself being judgmental, I shall think, “Elephant” and remember, because it brought a smile to my heart and I will note how silly I am being in that moment.
I enjoy your posts. 🤗
What a great response,Gail. How often we overreact when our feelings are hurt! I really appreciate you being here!, Thank you so much 🙏
Wow, this is great. The choice between being right and being at peace. Our egoic self wants to be right but then somebody else has to be wrong, which means there's conflict. By allowing others and ourselves to have our unique experience without judgement, we can be at peace. Harder said then done, but I think making the effort in the first place is already a big part of the work :)
Very well put, Robin. “Allowing” is the key word, isn’t it? It certainly is not always easy to allow someone else to have their experience without butting in! 😇
I’m still working on this one as well, especially in a world that appears to exist only to render and pronounce judgments on each other. For years I secretly mocked others for dressing the same way they did as preteens, tshirts and shorts, etc., until one day I saw my reflection in a store window wearing jeans and button shirt and reality dawned that I was actually doing exactly the same thing. As a kid I was always pushing through the undergrowth in the woods or other places and the jeans protected my legs, and while I did sometimes wear a T-shirt with an approved message I gave them up when I achieved Dad-bod status. So I do dress pretty much the same way I did as a kid. Busted.
I hear you, Robert. It's the best practice; to begin to notice how often we judge throughout each day. I do it constantly! Sometimes it's so subtle, it's just a feeling not put into words. Maybe a slight feeling of disdain when I glance at someone in the street.
But as I say, the purpose is not to hate ourselves, or judge ourselves in any way—that's just more judgement! It's just to be more awake, more aware. Positive change comes out of that!
Thank you so much for sharing, Robert!
🤣Nice title!🤣 And once again, such a good springboard for discussion, Don! Judgment is a marvelous tangle, one of my favorite subjects to mentally wrestle with, as it is interwoven really constantly with every aspect of daily life…
So much good reflection in this piece. “I had projected my opinions onto him, rather than seeing him for who he was.” To see this in ourselves, describe it, and respond to it is so key! I don’t think I’ll find myself alone in saying this is a lifelong effort, and as many times as I do it right, and as many years as I’ve been practicing, I still slip! And each slip only reminds me how important it is to keep doing the work :)
“We take the time to look closely at the true nature of reality and our own sense of self, and go from there.” Humility, self-assessment, sorting feelings from facts, specifically seeking understanding of truth. How can we hope to live compassionate lives in an overflowing world without these critical skills? And yet, all so easily overlooked in any momentary reaction…
Judgment is such a prime example of a beneficial ability that becomes harmful through wrong use. It’s interesting because it’s a really stark contrast. To have good judgment in this diverse world is really useful, maybe even essential! To be judgmental in this diverse world is really harmful and widely destructive.
The purpose of human judgment should be for us to accurately understand our circumstances so that we can properly respond to the enormous variety of situations we encounter in everyday life. Quite a useful skillset :) And yet, easy to go wrong if you leave out either of the pieces: accurately understand, or properly respond 🤣
The thing that bothers me most about the topic of judgment in my own faith is the way that it’s misrepresented in such ugly ways, *in both directions*! A certain church or belief-set becomes an excuse to judge those outside harshly and with contempt. But the very same system uses not-judging as an excuse for members of their circle to repeatedly and knowingly cause harm. I can’t think of another single teaching that is so broadly misused.
Of course, I even also have a monster truck story of my own! Our family once went to a monster truck rally with someone because I considered them a friend and wanted to be accepting of their interest. But, honestly, I wouldn’t do it again. Because unlike deciding on a career, which is a mostly neutral choice, monster truck enthusiasm has specific detriments to people and the environment - noisy, gas-powered celebration of damage and destruction. That doesn’t align with my life values - which is something that doesn’t matter a lot in passing, but will matter if you’re talking about the course of a friendship.
The thing is, over time, this friend turned out to be someone who was very consistently self-absorbed, eventually manipulative, and then cruel. Because I was so focused on acceptance instead of understanding, I failed to notice a variety of signs that her values were material and friendships were transactional - and that ended up causing me a lot of pain. So, in that sense, the monster-truck scenario was giving me some valuable information. If I had understood it more accurately, I would have responded differently.
So if I had it to do over again, I would politely decline 🤣
It’s this constant balance, isn’t it? To recognize, to understand, to be able to see beneficial and harmful - and always, always, to still interact and respond in kindness and compassion.
“Judgement is judgment; it is what it is. Mindfulness simply helps us to become aware of it. To not fall victim to it every time it pronounces itself.” I so agree! And I would expand further - to not fall victim to misusing it because of our own biases and projections.
"Compassion comes about from understanding, not from worship or compliance." Yes! Right?! In my faith, the act of looking closely at the true nature of reality and my own sense of self is what results in worship and compliance. :) Putting that out of order is intensely harmful - and unfortunately the more frequent scenario, from what I’ve seen.
Another one for the books, Don, always so much to think about here!
I so much appreciate how deeply you engage with my essays, Sydney. Thank you so much!
I actually laughed at myself when I came up with this title. It gave me great pleasure!
Recently, someone pointed out the difference between judgment and discernment. It was at a meditation meeting where a new member was asking how he was supposed to get through life without judging. And of course that brings up a few problems. One being the difference between making value judgments on people based on unexamined beliefs, versus discerning whether a path, a decision, or a person is going to be healthy for us, lead to well-being. I am aware, for instance, of a real correlation between people who like big trucks and aggressive behavior. My mindfulness helps me to remember that this is not always so, and even if it is so, the person is still a human with intrinsic value. Doesn’t mean we have to be their friend ha ha!
The other question raised by the questioner at meditation is that of putting the cart before the horse. Like you said, Sydney; understanding first, then decisions as to moral beliefs and behavior. No one is “supposed to” not judge. It’s a matter of honest observation, whether judgment leads to good or bad.
Whew. I am dictating this into my phone as I walk home from the hospital, where my mother-in-law was just admitted. I left my wife Jennifer there to check on her. We are in Flagstaff for the week and Substack/social media time is limited. I hope I’ve made sense!
Mainly it is just a pleasure to connect with you,, Sydney 🩷
Same here, Don!
Absolutely - discernment is a great term for distinguishing in that way. "Doesn't mean we have to be their friend" was an important realization for me, actually - being able to think kindly and compassionately towards someone, while also realizing they were not healthy to be around - and being able to choose that separation without feeling guilty.
Oh no! I hope everything's okay? (And wow, I'm a complete novice at dictating - everything made perfect sense, I never would have known!) Take good care, wishing all of you positive outcomes...
I mentioned that I was dictating because I thought I might publish my comment without first editing and repairing, which is always necessary after voice dictation, so wanted to explain the bad grammar, misspellings, and confusion. But I am incapable of doing that. I just can’t leave a messy note ha ha. But in the end, dictating is great. It’s so much faster, even faster than typing with 10 fingers on my laptop. (I learned to type in high school, thank goodness.). So if I am not at my laptop, as I am not now because I am back at the hospital, I dictate.
Jennifer‘s mom is going to be all right. She’ll be here for a few days. She’s 87 and her health has been deteriorating pretty quickly. Thanks, Sydney!
Something to consider! I am a slow adopter, but I adopted Voiceovers, so maybe dictating is next 🤣
Wishing you guys well - later days can sure be tough. I hope you will all experience good care and comfort💕
Thanks, Sydney ❤️
Oh, and I meant to say, how funny that you have a monster truck story of your own!
Right? Honestly, those random parallels always catch me by surprise :)
I really really like how you emphasise awareness instead of rushing to condemn or get rid of an emotion. 💙
Thanks, Anagha! 😊
When I realize (finally) that “not everyone is having the same experience as me,” when I imagine myself as a person who likes monster trucks for example, then I can have compassion for the person who does like those kinds of trucks - because my imagination or mindfulness (and no, those terms aren’t necessarily interchangeable but often work well together:) have helped me to see them as human. I experience our “interbeing” as Thich Nhat Hanh says. And I relax. Thanks Don!
Emily, thank you for this comment. You have actually helped me in an unexpected way. Just this morning someone told me that a theme of my blog is seeing the humanness in others. And I thought, no it’s not, I never said that. And I was trying to understand what they meant because it’s for an interview I am participating in. Now you have given me the answer, showing me that they are right, I just don’t use that term. Now I know I can use my latest post in responding agreeably to their question. Thank you! :-)
Also, just thank you for your thoughtful response. It’s always great to hear from you, Emily!
This really made me smile! I agree that your writing is rooted in humanness because it is rooted in the present, and that is where we are. I'm glad my comment helped you out:)
I feel layers peeling off just reading this and listening to the essay in your voice. Definitely an essay that makes one check themselves, their own nature. I forgive myself for judging, and I forgive others for judging. It feels good to be easy. Light. Compassionate, thank you for reminding us that all the love we want we can find within ourselves and pour it out ❤️🧡
Thank you so much, Mohika. What a lovely comment! 🙏🩷 I hope you don't mind if I share it.
Always a pleasure 🙏❤️
Well written and insightful, Don! I'm so grateful for your presence and your work.
I always love your very close attention to the act of paying close attention to one's inner state, and how external stimuli stir things up within us. And then of course this discussion itself can become the object of attention. I'm fascinated by this recursive dance of framing, and then moving outside that frame (with a new frame around everything), and so on, to infinity. Kind of like riding in the back of a pickup truck (or monster truck, I suppose) and observing the world move away from you as the vehicle drives forwards, always incorporating more into your field of view from the "edges" as the past (the road the vehicle has already traversed) moves to the center of your gaze and eventually nearly vanishes, asymptotically.
Bit of a tangent there, but to me the kind of "meaningless" aesthetic of visions like that actually helps make sense of the world, or helps me rest in it even though I don't actually know much.
Anyway, your piece also reminds me that everyone creates their own meaning. Maybe for some folks, the sight of a monster truck, with its oversized wheels, huge suspension, etc., brings about primal feelings of power deep within them. (My 2-year-old son is totally obsessed with trucks, and it really does feel like an organic interest coming from him in an authentic way; none of the rest of us are into trucks, and it's not like he watches a lot of commercials about trucks or whatnot.) Maybe monster truck fans connect with other monster truck fans who also feel that primal joy, and teach their kids to appreciate it too. Just because they're not into Van Gogh or Yerba Mate doesn't mean their interests don't resonate with something deep within them that can be used as a bridge for human connection.
Thanks for being a great writer, a great man, and a great friend.
That's a great outlook, Mike. "Bridges for human connection"; yes, we should look for those bridges anywhere and everywhere!
Enjoyed this. Mindfulness is awareness. It doesn’t make me this perfect person. It doesn’t happen overnight. I’m slower to respond and listening better to other people’s POV. There is a touch of empathy in mindfulness. Day by day.
I think that’s one of the best parts of the teachings; that we forgive ourselves, over and over again.
Funny, not funny, how we stumble over ourselves time after time learning how to get out of our own way by suspending judgment and checking an opinion before blurting it out. We would do well to practice restraint and be sure our mind is in gear before starting our mouth. At least, that might be a good start. Whether I call it mindfulness or minding my mind, I believe it is about being more consciously aware, sensitive, thoughtful, kind and considerate. I'll go with that today.
There you go, Gary. I’ll go with that, too! 💚
Great piece! I often find myself in a similar conundrum- judging people I can't understand or relate to. We must encourage joy in ourselves and others as much as possible.
Thanks, G.G.! 🩷
Great examples, Don, and a timely reminder for me. I could use it almost everyday, truth be told. I found my way out of organized religion because I couldn't take the feeling of being both defendant and prosecutor. What was it Gandhi said: I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. A broad brush statement, no doubt, but I understand his point.
I still struggle with monster trucks, particularly noisy ones, but I'm sure I make lots of "noise" others find disagreeable. Have mercy.
🙂 I certainly won't be attending any monster truck rallies! And I actually had to issue an apology to the environment and environmentalists this morning for seeming to endorse these fuel guzzlers. What bad timing on my part posting this on Earth Day! I really just wasn't thinking of that because it's not the theme of this essay. Oops!
Thanks for checking in, Elizabeth!
Just another example of being flawsome! :)
Well now, that’s a great way to put it! 😀
Great insight here. To examine our judgement rather than admonish ourselves… I like that. I know I do it without intention, then tell myself not nice, so what. Feels like talking it out with myself lessens me doing so. Recognizing and allowing ourselves this natural behavior can make us more compassionate I think… don’t judge a book by its cover kinda thing! Great piece Don…thank you! 😊
Thanks, Joan. 🩷
I see myself so clearly in this. My automatic judgments that take me down the rabbit hole. When I don’t really know anything about it.
🩷
Thank you so much for reading, LeeAnn. I appreciate your checking in, too! 🩷
Thanks for these wise words, Don. Indeed, compassion and understanding bloom all at once.
Thanks, Galen! 🙂