Her response is perfect and your understanding is spot on! I love it.
As someone who is sometimes “too much” for people, one of the things that haunts me after social interactions is realizing I said too much and didn’t ask enough questions and really didn’t people properly and that person probably thinks I’m rude and annoying and doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.
I can pretty much promise you your ADHD friend is interested in you! And would love to figure out a way forward that permits you to each be yourselves and have conversations that leave them feeling delighted instead of ashamed afterwards.
A great insight. We could all do with taking more responsibility for our own reactions to other people and situations. Having hurt feelings, for example, is not the same thing as someone else having attacked you. This can be especially relevant online!
In the end, I think you are absolutely correct to view this situation through the lens of how it relates to your own perspective. It is judging, and you are limiting your ability to listen when you view the other person as "too much". But at the same time, the honest reality that some people (and some situations) may be "too much for ME" is also worth admitting and acknowledging.
I also love your friend's suggestion of turning it from a complaint to a solution seeking collaboration.
Don't you love it when discernments come two for the price of one?!
Thank you for this great piece, Don, and sharing your evolving insights with us. The power of awareness indeed! If only our political leaders had this kind of intention to understand themselves and their reactions, and if only that could translate to collective actions. I don't think we'd be in a war right now.
The other thing I love about this essay, and which you point out at the end, is the power of friends to help us see what we have been overlooking. The fact that Maggie Jon's use of quotation marks around "too much" both triggered you and then prompted you to look more deeply is such a good example of that. And I love the skillful response she offered -- I just learned something from that as well!
Thank you, Maia. It was important to me to share Maggie‘s identity and especially her response to my question, which I almost didn’t do. I had reached out to her and not heard back until after scheduling this post for publication last night (she was on vacation). Fortunately, she did give me permission to identify her. She also told me that I interpreted her quotation marks correctly lol! 😊
Don, this is such a great moment of reflection. As I was reading, and rereading, your wonderful offering today, I was led to some self reflection. No one is perfect and we humans all know that but forget it in the instant that we have judgment for someone else. Maggie Jon's suggestion that we can move toward collaboration rather than stand our ground in judgment is eye opening. Maybe that's the whole point. Instead of looking at the world constantly from our own point of self reference, what would it look like if we reflexively looked at life from the other's point of view? Think I'll chew on this some more, Don. Thanks for this, friend.
Another one to add to your “too much” collection is this that you concluded your fine piece with: “and I only just this week discerned this.. “ another judgment is that, despite being 62 years old, you only just now…
Dwight, thank you for commenting. I have to be honest, I’m not sure what you’re trying to say, and it appears that your comment got cut off mid-sentence. 🙏
One of the many attributes I appreciate about you, Don, is your humility. You lead by example, as is the case in this essay. I leaned into what you wrote today, because I tend to default (without realizing it) to the "too much" or "not enough" aspect of life. Just last night I enjoyed dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in two years, and we both chatted about our "high expectations" of other people and how hard it is to simply meet others where they are and show up as we are. But it takes regular self check-ins and reflection for me to understand myself and allow others to be who they are without expecting them to present themselves exactly as I do.
Gosh, I love the self-awareness here, Don, and always appreciate your curiosity and humility.
I will add that I don't think it's wrong to acknowledge that we sometimes find ourselves with people who talk a lot. Deciding that it's "Too much" (as your friend notes) is subjective and risky. You could say they talk more than you. Or that they make it challenging to say what you want to say. But "too much" is an opinion.
As a youngster, I was always the one blamed for talking when I was supposed to be quiet. School, Scouts, camp. I remember feeling terribly offended, because so many around me were also talking. I mean -- sheesh -- I wasn't talking to myself! I came to realize it's because my voice projects, so I'm the one they heard.
Now, I can say with sincerity that I'm better at hearing myself in conversations and can deliberately govern overspew. I'm aware when I'm with people who are taking up a lot of space with their words. I try to not mirror that, instead injecting myself (if that's what I want to do) by asking them questions. The dance of human communication... Despite years of practice, we still are really good at stepping on each other's toes. 😅
Hi, Elizabeth. Thank you so much for reading my post, and for being here. I’m willing to bet you are an excellent conversation partner; and maybe some day I’ll get to confirm that! 🙏🥰
Interesting situation, communication, and ultimate resolution. Always something to learn. 😊 Being a New Yorker, I've only been told, maybe 374 times, that we are all too brusque, too in your face, too antagonistic, and so on. As in all things, that assessment is true some of the time for some of the people. But as a general rule for all New Yorkers? Nah, sorry, but it's just not accurate. What I usually say, and I am almost always right (did I say that out loud?), is that most New Yorkers are forthright. "Hey, you mind if I get a word in edgewise?" Laugh, chuckle, wink, nod, but it's out there. Not saying it's always right, but it's there to be discussed. It saves time. It might put people in a difficult moment, but then life will do that too, ready or not. Anyway, I thought this was an interesting situation to discuss. Humans are a tough audience, and there are a lot of us, all with different points of view. I guess no one said it would be easy.
I was always fond of a quote I read many years ago, by Oscar Wilde, “There is no such thing as conversation—only interesting monologues.”
Over the years I have found that I seem to attract “friends” into my life who always feel the need to fill up air time. Some days I just don’t have the cranial capacity to fully take in and integrate without a back and forth repartee. And the rare times I do get to ask a question or “have a say”, I end up getting yawned at. (That’s usually about the time I take my leave.)
So before I go hang out with this person or “friend”, I make sure I am in a good frame of mind, or I tell them right from the start, “I’ve only got a few minutes, but just wanted to say “hi”.
I enjoy your reflections. Nobody goes through their day without making some kind of judgement or discernment—I know, there is a difference, but sometime it’s a fine line
I do like your friend’s suggestion, and I will have to try that with my one particular friend next time—as soon as I can get a word in sidewise.
Thank you, Gail. I value your input. It’s true that no one goes through a day without exercising both judgement and discernment; I see myself judging all the time! I hope no one thinks I’m saying that the judgement itself is bad and must be overcome. That’s just learning to dislike yourself! I like to learn to recognize when I’m judging simply so I don’t believe it or act on it. 🙏💚
I love your reflections here Don. As an ADHDer, and from conversations within my favourite online ADHD groups, we are hyper-aware of the fact that (1) we often talk too much, and (2) we want other people to get ot the point quickly because we are too fidgety to listen to others talking too much. Add to that a side-serve of RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) and its party time inside our heads 🤣. My partner stutters and I am sure is undiagnosed autistic - I see him masking and struggling with normal conversation to the point where he is either silent or launches into a monologue about some topic or other. It’s a quiet torture for me. But also an exercise in tolerance. For both of us. He puts up with my scattiness, and understands when I walk away in the middle of him burbling on because my attention has gone elsewhere, and I tolerate his various weirdnesses. Patience and tolerance are not my forte, so it keeps me on my toes in terms of awareness and mindfulness, and empathy I guess! 😅
Sarah, thank you so much for your comments here. I especially want to thank you for telling me about RSD (another commenter had mentioned RSD, but they didn’t spell it out and I didn’t know what it was). I have suspected that someone close to me may have ADHD, and now that I have googled and read the symptoms of RSD, I am convinced of at least this second thing. I don’t know what to do with that information beyond use it for myself in order to be more patient and understanding. I don’t think it’s a good idea to mention my suspicions to my friend. (They take medication for depression, but they have never looked into any other diagnoses.)
I guess also maybe simply an awareness of RSD may be useful for your friend? Not as in attempting to diagnose but simply to let them know such a thing exists? My daughter (also ADHD) has it immensely, so the awareness has been useful for me.
It’s like - I am not suggesting to my partner that he go get diagnosed with autism, but an awareness of masking and coping strategies have certainly been useful for me in terms of my tolerance - and I kind of normalise the concepts in my conversation with him to introduce the idea in the hope he may recognise his own patterns and do some self-learning. Not in a judgemental way, but in a way that gives relief, such as my (at 63yrs old) ADHD diagnosis gave to me - my life made sense!
Our psyches are complex. There are so many layers to peel back. I was fascinated by your "double discernment" about your own reaction. The last few weeks, I've had more realizations about my own emotional responses, just sitting with the emotions and watching them evolve and release from my body. It's felt like a blessing. At the same time, I don't think we lose our ability to know or discern when we awaken. Can there be discernment without judgment, I wonder?
Thank you so much, Sandra. I really appreciate your presence and your thoughts, and I’m pleased for your realizations of the past weeks. I have to admit that I’m not quite sure I understand your question about discernment without judgment, and I’d like to. 🙏
Hi Don, your honesty and willingness to share is remarkable. Quite dime time ago you had an unhappy moment that made you ask “What if this doesn’t change?”. I had that question also. Against logic I decided to change me. I began by giving small versions of what I hoped to receive to the other. Slowly doing that became increasingly comfortable for me and was well received. It led to a real mutuality that enriches both lives. Your question provoked my question.
I got honest and recognized giving was the only way I could ever hope to receive. I got transformed in that process to live at an enriched level. Thank you my dear friend. Stay honest and sharing. Daniel
as someone scarred by being repeatedly told i talk too much, i agree with the coach. it is on you and it’s abusive. i no longer interact with anyone or speak unless it’s required to function. that’s what people like you did to me.
If I may, as someone who has been treated as being "too much" for most of my life, Don was asking for a better way to handle the situation instead of simply telling his friend he talks "too much". So I don't think it's fair to say that he is like those people who treated you like that. If anything, the world would probably be a much better place if more people stopped to think about how to address communication issues in a healthy way. I do feel your pain but I think we can all learn from each other.
Hi, Lunafaer. May I ask if you read the article? The point I am making is that it is disrespectful and judgmental to tell someone they talk too much. I’m sorry for not expressing myself clearly enough or with enough compassion. You may block my account if you wish. 🙏😔
Her response is perfect and your understanding is spot on! I love it.
As someone who is sometimes “too much” for people, one of the things that haunts me after social interactions is realizing I said too much and didn’t ask enough questions and really didn’t people properly and that person probably thinks I’m rude and annoying and doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.
I can pretty much promise you your ADHD friend is interested in you! And would love to figure out a way forward that permits you to each be yourselves and have conversations that leave them feeling delighted instead of ashamed afterwards.
Thank you, Heather. Your description of the feelings you sometimes experience after a conversation sounds very familiar indeed! 😊🙏
A great insight. We could all do with taking more responsibility for our own reactions to other people and situations. Having hurt feelings, for example, is not the same thing as someone else having attacked you. This can be especially relevant online!
Thank you, Melissa! 🙏💚
Hi Don,
In the end, I think you are absolutely correct to view this situation through the lens of how it relates to your own perspective. It is judging, and you are limiting your ability to listen when you view the other person as "too much". But at the same time, the honest reality that some people (and some situations) may be "too much for ME" is also worth admitting and acknowledging.
I also love your friend's suggestion of turning it from a complaint to a solution seeking collaboration.
Thanks, Todd. Your sentence “too much for me,” sums up my entire argument! 👍🏼
Don't you love it when discernments come two for the price of one?!
Thank you for this great piece, Don, and sharing your evolving insights with us. The power of awareness indeed! If only our political leaders had this kind of intention to understand themselves and their reactions, and if only that could translate to collective actions. I don't think we'd be in a war right now.
The other thing I love about this essay, and which you point out at the end, is the power of friends to help us see what we have been overlooking. The fact that Maggie Jon's use of quotation marks around "too much" both triggered you and then prompted you to look more deeply is such a good example of that. And I love the skillful response she offered -- I just learned something from that as well!
Thank you, Maia. It was important to me to share Maggie‘s identity and especially her response to my question, which I almost didn’t do. I had reached out to her and not heard back until after scheduling this post for publication last night (she was on vacation). Fortunately, she did give me permission to identify her. She also told me that I interpreted her quotation marks correctly lol! 😊
Don, this is such a great moment of reflection. As I was reading, and rereading, your wonderful offering today, I was led to some self reflection. No one is perfect and we humans all know that but forget it in the instant that we have judgment for someone else. Maggie Jon's suggestion that we can move toward collaboration rather than stand our ground in judgment is eye opening. Maybe that's the whole point. Instead of looking at the world constantly from our own point of self reference, what would it look like if we reflexively looked at life from the other's point of view? Think I'll chew on this some more, Don. Thanks for this, friend.
What! You are so present. I feel like you’re an old friend!
Thanks Don, the feeling is definitely mutual.
Thank you, Steve. I truly appreciate your presence here. 🙏💚
Thanks, Don. Wish I had more time to spend here 😉
Another one to add to your “too much” collection is this that you concluded your fine piece with: “and I only just this week discerned this.. “ another judgment is that, despite being 62 years old, you only just now…
Dwight, thank you for commenting. I have to be honest, I’m not sure what you’re trying to say, and it appears that your comment got cut off mid-sentence. 🙏
One of the many attributes I appreciate about you, Don, is your humility. You lead by example, as is the case in this essay. I leaned into what you wrote today, because I tend to default (without realizing it) to the "too much" or "not enough" aspect of life. Just last night I enjoyed dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in two years, and we both chatted about our "high expectations" of other people and how hard it is to simply meet others where they are and show up as we are. But it takes regular self check-ins and reflection for me to understand myself and allow others to be who they are without expecting them to present themselves exactly as I do.
Thank you, Jeanne. This is a wonderful and humble perspective. I appreciate you so much! 🙏💚
Grateful for your friendship, Don!
And apparently I used the French spelling of your name ha ha!
LOL! That’s okay, Don. I’ve had people spell my name all sorts of ways—and pronounce it all sorts of ways, too! :)
Always learning through kind attention.
I appreciate your discernments, and I'm sure that person you were judging does, too! They just may not know that :)
Thank you, Jimmy. 🙏💚
Gosh, I love the self-awareness here, Don, and always appreciate your curiosity and humility.
I will add that I don't think it's wrong to acknowledge that we sometimes find ourselves with people who talk a lot. Deciding that it's "Too much" (as your friend notes) is subjective and risky. You could say they talk more than you. Or that they make it challenging to say what you want to say. But "too much" is an opinion.
As a youngster, I was always the one blamed for talking when I was supposed to be quiet. School, Scouts, camp. I remember feeling terribly offended, because so many around me were also talking. I mean -- sheesh -- I wasn't talking to myself! I came to realize it's because my voice projects, so I'm the one they heard.
Now, I can say with sincerity that I'm better at hearing myself in conversations and can deliberately govern overspew. I'm aware when I'm with people who are taking up a lot of space with their words. I try to not mirror that, instead injecting myself (if that's what I want to do) by asking them questions. The dance of human communication... Despite years of practice, we still are really good at stepping on each other's toes. 😅
Hi, Elizabeth. Thank you so much for reading my post, and for being here. I’m willing to bet you are an excellent conversation partner; and maybe some day I’ll get to confirm that! 🙏🥰
I would welcome that! Thanks, Dan.
This has given me a lot to think about.
Thank you, Karen! 🙏💚
Interesting situation, communication, and ultimate resolution. Always something to learn. 😊 Being a New Yorker, I've only been told, maybe 374 times, that we are all too brusque, too in your face, too antagonistic, and so on. As in all things, that assessment is true some of the time for some of the people. But as a general rule for all New Yorkers? Nah, sorry, but it's just not accurate. What I usually say, and I am almost always right (did I say that out loud?), is that most New Yorkers are forthright. "Hey, you mind if I get a word in edgewise?" Laugh, chuckle, wink, nod, but it's out there. Not saying it's always right, but it's there to be discussed. It saves time. It might put people in a difficult moment, but then life will do that too, ready or not. Anyway, I thought this was an interesting situation to discuss. Humans are a tough audience, and there are a lot of us, all with different points of view. I guess no one said it would be easy.
Ain’t that the truth, Joe; No one said it would be easy! 😊
I was always fond of a quote I read many years ago, by Oscar Wilde, “There is no such thing as conversation—only interesting monologues.”
Over the years I have found that I seem to attract “friends” into my life who always feel the need to fill up air time. Some days I just don’t have the cranial capacity to fully take in and integrate without a back and forth repartee. And the rare times I do get to ask a question or “have a say”, I end up getting yawned at. (That’s usually about the time I take my leave.)
So before I go hang out with this person or “friend”, I make sure I am in a good frame of mind, or I tell them right from the start, “I’ve only got a few minutes, but just wanted to say “hi”.
I enjoy your reflections. Nobody goes through their day without making some kind of judgement or discernment—I know, there is a difference, but sometime it’s a fine line
I do like your friend’s suggestion, and I will have to try that with my one particular friend next time—as soon as I can get a word in sidewise.
Thank you, Gail. I value your input. It’s true that no one goes through a day without exercising both judgement and discernment; I see myself judging all the time! I hope no one thinks I’m saying that the judgement itself is bad and must be overcome. That’s just learning to dislike yourself! I like to learn to recognize when I’m judging simply so I don’t believe it or act on it. 🙏💚
Oh good to hear. For a sec I thought you were being “too hard” on yourself. 😉🫶🏻
I love your reflections here Don. As an ADHDer, and from conversations within my favourite online ADHD groups, we are hyper-aware of the fact that (1) we often talk too much, and (2) we want other people to get ot the point quickly because we are too fidgety to listen to others talking too much. Add to that a side-serve of RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) and its party time inside our heads 🤣. My partner stutters and I am sure is undiagnosed autistic - I see him masking and struggling with normal conversation to the point where he is either silent or launches into a monologue about some topic or other. It’s a quiet torture for me. But also an exercise in tolerance. For both of us. He puts up with my scattiness, and understands when I walk away in the middle of him burbling on because my attention has gone elsewhere, and I tolerate his various weirdnesses. Patience and tolerance are not my forte, so it keeps me on my toes in terms of awareness and mindfulness, and empathy I guess! 😅
Sarah, thank you so much for your comments here. I especially want to thank you for telling me about RSD (another commenter had mentioned RSD, but they didn’t spell it out and I didn’t know what it was). I have suspected that someone close to me may have ADHD, and now that I have googled and read the symptoms of RSD, I am convinced of at least this second thing. I don’t know what to do with that information beyond use it for myself in order to be more patient and understanding. I don’t think it’s a good idea to mention my suspicions to my friend. (They take medication for depression, but they have never looked into any other diagnoses.)
I guess also maybe simply an awareness of RSD may be useful for your friend? Not as in attempting to diagnose but simply to let them know such a thing exists? My daughter (also ADHD) has it immensely, so the awareness has been useful for me.
It’s like - I am not suggesting to my partner that he go get diagnosed with autism, but an awareness of masking and coping strategies have certainly been useful for me in terms of my tolerance - and I kind of normalise the concepts in my conversation with him to introduce the idea in the hope he may recognise his own patterns and do some self-learning. Not in a judgemental way, but in a way that gives relief, such as my (at 63yrs old) ADHD diagnosis gave to me - my life made sense!
Yes, I agree. I just need a way to move some information in front of my friend without seeming to be “suggesting” anything. 😇
Good luck ☺️.
Maybe just set the intention and the moment will appear when it needs to?
Yeah, that’s the way of things, isn’t it? The intention is probably already set!
💜
Our psyches are complex. There are so many layers to peel back. I was fascinated by your "double discernment" about your own reaction. The last few weeks, I've had more realizations about my own emotional responses, just sitting with the emotions and watching them evolve and release from my body. It's felt like a blessing. At the same time, I don't think we lose our ability to know or discern when we awaken. Can there be discernment without judgment, I wonder?
Thank you so much, Sandra. I really appreciate your presence and your thoughts, and I’m pleased for your realizations of the past weeks. I have to admit that I’m not quite sure I understand your question about discernment without judgment, and I’d like to. 🙏
Hi Don, your honesty and willingness to share is remarkable. Quite dime time ago you had an unhappy moment that made you ask “What if this doesn’t change?”. I had that question also. Against logic I decided to change me. I began by giving small versions of what I hoped to receive to the other. Slowly doing that became increasingly comfortable for me and was well received. It led to a real mutuality that enriches both lives. Your question provoked my question.
I got honest and recognized giving was the only way I could ever hope to receive. I got transformed in that process to live at an enriched level. Thank you my dear friend. Stay honest and sharing. Daniel
Daniel, this is so kind of you. And I truly appreciate a living example of emotional maturity. Well done, my friend. Thank you!
as someone scarred by being repeatedly told i talk too much, i agree with the coach. it is on you and it’s abusive. i no longer interact with anyone or speak unless it’s required to function. that’s what people like you did to me.
If I may, as someone who has been treated as being "too much" for most of my life, Don was asking for a better way to handle the situation instead of simply telling his friend he talks "too much". So I don't think it's fair to say that he is like those people who treated you like that. If anything, the world would probably be a much better place if more people stopped to think about how to address communication issues in a healthy way. I do feel your pain but I think we can all learn from each other.
Thank you, Maggie. 🙏💚
Hi, Lunafaer. May I ask if you read the article? The point I am making is that it is disrespectful and judgmental to tell someone they talk too much. I’m sorry for not expressing myself clearly enough or with enough compassion. You may block my account if you wish. 🙏😔