When Anxiety Knocks, Ask For Some ID
Understanding the Fears We Inherit
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I often wake up in the morning with a mild sense of anxiety. This goes back as long as I can remember. And sometimes I think to myself, You’re practicing mindfulness and meditation now, you should be over that, you should be composed, balanced, and self-possessed. You should be peaceful and wise, and wise people aren’t supposed to feel fear.
But then I remember: feelings are a part of human nature, a consequence of having a body and a mind. Mindfulness isn’t about conquering anything, it’s about acceptance of this moment, whatever that may include. And that means accepting anxiety, not defeating anxiety.
My body experiences fear (psychological fear, not physical fear) because I have been conditioned in a certain way. Groomed from birth to fear the future, to fear insecurity, loss, and failure. I, along with most in our society, have been taught to judge myself and others, to value talent, success, hard work, ingenuity, and independence over irresponsibility, complacency, laziness, and apathy.
(And what is the true definition of any of those so-called negative characteristics, anyway? When, for example, is one being “irresponsible” and when is one simply choosing a different, simpler, or nonconforming lifestyle? Irresponsibility, laziness; these things, I’ve long believed, are just bad [and are usually associated with life choices that don’t lead to a generous income]; if you allow yourself to fall into them you are not a good person. Their definitions are not yours to determine. Society decides.)
So, to understand, without judging my parents or society, that I am conditioned, is the key. To recognize that I have a body and a mind, and that of course, just like a tree that grows crooked and thin on a windy cliff-edge, this body, this organic, completely natural life-form, will develop, grow, and act according to its growing conditions. Wisdom is recognizing this and practicing equanimity, which is something like forgiveness and acceptance combined. I see and I accept what is. I look at my mind and I see that it is a confused mind, a mind crowded with conflicting views of how things should be, and those conflicting views can clash and leave me with undefined feelings of dread, fear, anxiety, disquiet. For me that anxiety can be felt most strongly first thing in the morning.
When I can see this without being overwhelmed by it, without getting lost in it, without fighting, resisting, judging and condemning it, then what happens? Those negative feelings begin to ease. And I remember that I am okay. That everything is going to be okay. The anxiety is not telling the truth, it is not a fire alarm or a snake in the grass, it is just my mind following a familiar pattern that it has not yet learned doesn’t lead anywhere.
This of course does not mean that I don’t recognize right from wrong, that I don’t understand the need to pay my mortgage and take care of my family, that I don’t care about my life or the well-being of others. It doesn’t mean that I don’t act for the good. It simply means that I don’t resist what is, right here, right now. Whether that is my own negative (or positive) feelings or the conditions around me, I see it, I accept it; I don’t allow it to rule my life but I work with it because it is there, it is fact. If those conditions need changing and I know there is something I can do, I’ll do it. Acceptance of what is is not the same as endorsing injustice or suffering; it is just seeing the facts as they are right now without all the inner turmoil that doesn’t really help make things better.
And I get a little better at that; not at achieving some unobtainable state of bliss, but simply at finding a little composure, a little self-possession in the face of difficulties. I get a little better at that each day.
The self compassion described here is healing. There were so many quotables but this was my fav: "To recognize that I have a body and a mind, and that of course, just like a tree that grows crooked and thin on a windy cliff-edge, this body, this organic, completely natural life-form, will develop, grow, and act according to its growing conditions."
What I got from this is acceptance and action, but acceptance comes first. Thank you, Don.
This is a really beautiful, gentle and compassionate piece. And I love the little animal friends along the way. I feel soothed reading it :) that's a gift. Thank you.