Such important and Sage advice! “Discovering the benefits of mindfulness has put me at risk of being a poor listener because in my enthusiasm I want to share my learning, I want to help the world, and I may forget that others are not on the same path as I am.” Amen.
My GAWD we sure could use better listeners in our world right now.
Same! But no apologies needed—I believe, like I’m sure you do as well, that anything put out into the Universe that comes from heart and soul is always received lovingly and with appreciation and gratitude—no matter who or what acknowledges the effort, or doesn’t. Of course affirmation is lovely (always!, so thank YOU!), but our point in reading each others “stacks” here on this platform, and I mean EVERYONE who writes with such humility, honesty, authenticity, and with no real need for financial compensation, is to solely “sing the song that is within our hearts.” May you keep singing your personal song, Dan; and may you find more readers who should listen, and hear. You have a wonderful way of expression; your large heart is very evident behind the words you write—and your effort to show gratitude to others needs to be emulated by more people. What a better world we’d then have.
Thanks for this essay, Don. We can all use practice in developing our skill to listen for what the moment requires before we say what we think it means. Happy to be a part of this reminder! And I also urge everyone to check out the work of Mike Speriosu & Jeff Erdmann!
Thanks for this reflection. I haven’t read much of the Dalai Lama’s writings. What I’ve read has struck me as lovely, but it hasn’t touched me deeply. (“Be kind. We’re all connected.” Nice words but not said in a way that has allowed those sentiments to penetrate.) But when I’ve seen the Dalai Lama interact with people, the quality of listening is palpable and extraordinary. That has touched me and shown me the fruits of his practice—more so than his words.
Words will always be thoughts, even when heartfelt. Listening can only take place when the mind is able to get quiet. You demonstrated this with this interaction with your sister. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Dan. I also have tried several of the Dalai Lama books (it seems many are co-written?) and not been intrigued. Occasionally have felt I must be missing something. But there are so many other buddhist and mindfulness teacher/writers who inspire me that I'm not going to worry about it. I note your feelings after witnessing his loving interactions with others and will watch for that.
Some people like to talk way more than others—I guess they have the "gift of gab"—and sometimes I am jealous of that but more often grateful that I get out of most social situations without feeling that I made a fool of myself or overshared or talked too much lol! And reticence leaves more room for listening (note the title of this blog. Though I'm not as shy as I was as a child, it still prevails in groups)
Thank you for the timely reminder, Don. As a Spiritual Director, active listening is my primary tool and if I'm in my own head, I won't be helping anyone. Keep up the good word, brother.
Thanks, Don. I’m just about to go off and have a difficult conversation like the one you describe, so I’m glad to have read your piece first. (And nice to meet you, by the way.)
Thanks to Amy Cowen for sending me here - again. For me, this piece was meant to be read today. I like to think of myself as a good listener, but lately there's been some kind of disconnection with that. I can't put my finger on it, but I know it's related to how I see myself, not to what's actually happening around me.
Did I read somewhere along the way that you are (or were) in Santa Fe?
Hi, Elizabeth. I’m happy that you found your way to this essay today. It’s great how Substack works that way. Such a network. Sometimes overwhelming!
Yes, my time in Santa Fe and Taos was transformational time me after my divorce. And New Mexico is still very close to my heart. I plan to write about that sometime soon. I live on Cape Cod now.
One of our kids has lived in Santa Fe for the past 5 years, so we've had the pleasure of several visits. Cape Cod has not made our list (we travel rather infrequently) but I know it's spectacular. My husband spent time at Wood's Hole many moons ago. Nice to connect with you here.
Thanks, Don. I just crossed the two year anniversary here. Feels both longer and impossible it's already been that long. Slow and steady, I guess.
I'll look for Maia Duerr. Coincidentally, our kiddo seems likely to move to Flagstaff in the near term, so we'll have another place to get to know. FWIW, comments here don't have linking capacities like we have on Notes. Maybe some day!
Well, I can share my thoughts on Flagstaff with you! As it turns out, I go there more often than New Mexico because my wife’s mother lives there. We go to Flagstaff at least every other year and just got back a few weeks ago. It’s a great city.
Such good reminders here. It’s easy to jump ahead when hearing someone, with “I’ve heard this before, I know what you’re thinking and I know better.” I once read a suggestion I found helpful, that your essay reminds me of: ask “are you looking for advice or support?” And then respond accordingly. I think that question can be asked literally, or silently with the “deep listening” you discussed.
That's a very good suggestion, thank you, Stephanie! My wife and I have a pretty respectful communication system in place, I think mostly that she brought into the relationship. We always ask if the other has the ability to listen before launching in to a problem we may need to express.
Thanks for reading and thanks for you comment, Stephanie :-)
This is such a wonderful post, Don. I'm just loving these insightful life lessons you're sharing via small glimpses into your personal life experiences.
Indeed, wisdom shines when one can discern what another needs in the moment, not by injecting esoteric teachings where they cannot be absorbed. When I look back in my own life to my best mentors, teachers, and friends, they all possess this quality. You've done a splendid job here highlighting how that works, and how offering words of real substance to someone in need often requires us saying things we wouldn't normally say in our own enlightened states. It's when we come down off our lofty clouds, return to the earth, we remember how human life plays out down in the dirt.
Thanks for shouting out my poetry. Having anyone appreciate my work is special to me. Having someone of your character offer an endorsement... I'll just say means a lot.
Such important and Sage advice! “Discovering the benefits of mindfulness has put me at risk of being a poor listener because in my enthusiasm I want to share my learning, I want to help the world, and I may forget that others are not on the same path as I am.” Amen.
My GAWD we sure could use better listeners in our world right now.
Hey, Kert, sorry if I missed this comment earlier. Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m getting to really enjoy your company here! :-)
Same! But no apologies needed—I believe, like I’m sure you do as well, that anything put out into the Universe that comes from heart and soul is always received lovingly and with appreciation and gratitude—no matter who or what acknowledges the effort, or doesn’t. Of course affirmation is lovely (always!, so thank YOU!), but our point in reading each others “stacks” here on this platform, and I mean EVERYONE who writes with such humility, honesty, authenticity, and with no real need for financial compensation, is to solely “sing the song that is within our hearts.” May you keep singing your personal song, Dan; and may you find more readers who should listen, and hear. You have a wonderful way of expression; your large heart is very evident behind the words you write—and your effort to show gratitude to others needs to be emulated by more people. What a better world we’d then have.
Thanks for this essay, Don. We can all use practice in developing our skill to listen for what the moment requires before we say what we think it means. Happy to be a part of this reminder! And I also urge everyone to check out the work of Mike Speriosu & Jeff Erdmann!
Thanks Paul!
My pleasure, Jeff
Thanks for this reflection. I haven’t read much of the Dalai Lama’s writings. What I’ve read has struck me as lovely, but it hasn’t touched me deeply. (“Be kind. We’re all connected.” Nice words but not said in a way that has allowed those sentiments to penetrate.) But when I’ve seen the Dalai Lama interact with people, the quality of listening is palpable and extraordinary. That has touched me and shown me the fruits of his practice—more so than his words.
Words will always be thoughts, even when heartfelt. Listening can only take place when the mind is able to get quiet. You demonstrated this with this interaction with your sister. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Dan. I also have tried several of the Dalai Lama books (it seems many are co-written?) and not been intrigued. Occasionally have felt I must be missing something. But there are so many other buddhist and mindfulness teacher/writers who inspire me that I'm not going to worry about it. I note your feelings after witnessing his loving interactions with others and will watch for that.
Some people like to talk way more than others—I guess they have the "gift of gab"—and sometimes I am jealous of that but more often grateful that I get out of most social situations without feeling that I made a fool of myself or overshared or talked too much lol! And reticence leaves more room for listening (note the title of this blog. Though I'm not as shy as I was as a child, it still prevails in groups)
Thanks for commenting, Dan. :-)
“grateful that I get out of most social situations without feeling that I made a fool of myself or overshared or talked too much lol!”
I resemble that comment!! And it made me smile.
Establishing an ability to sit and pay attention. It should be taught from our earliest years.
Agreed! Thanks, Patris!
Ahh...such a necessary reminder to not offer the most well intended advice unless it is directly asked for. Loved your comeback and that it worked. ❤️
Thank you, Susan. ❤️
Thank you for the timely reminder, Don. As a Spiritual Director, active listening is my primary tool and if I'm in my own head, I won't be helping anyone. Keep up the good word, brother.
Thank you; I really appreciate hearing from you. Keep up the good works!
Really appreciated this thoughtful post. These are words I somehow needed to see today.
I'm so glad to hear that! Thank you, Amy. 🩷
Thanks, Don. I’m just about to go off and have a difficult conversation like the one you describe, so I’m glad to have read your piece first. (And nice to meet you, by the way.)
Thank you, Thomas, nice to meet you as well! Good luck with your conversation 💚
Thanks to Amy Cowen for sending me here - again. For me, this piece was meant to be read today. I like to think of myself as a good listener, but lately there's been some kind of disconnection with that. I can't put my finger on it, but I know it's related to how I see myself, not to what's actually happening around me.
Did I read somewhere along the way that you are (or were) in Santa Fe?
Hi, Elizabeth. I’m happy that you found your way to this essay today. It’s great how Substack works that way. Such a network. Sometimes overwhelming!
Yes, my time in Santa Fe and Taos was transformational time me after my divorce. And New Mexico is still very close to my heart. I plan to write about that sometime soon. I live on Cape Cod now.
One of our kids has lived in Santa Fe for the past 5 years, so we've had the pleasure of several visits. Cape Cod has not made our list (we travel rather infrequently) but I know it's spectacular. My husband spent time at Wood's Hole many moons ago. Nice to connect with you here.
Nice to have family there! I’ve connected with another Substack writer, Maia Duerr (can’t seem to link her) who lives in Santa Fe.
Enjoying your essays. You’ve been at it for some time!
Thanks, Don. I just crossed the two year anniversary here. Feels both longer and impossible it's already been that long. Slow and steady, I guess.
I'll look for Maia Duerr. Coincidentally, our kiddo seems likely to move to Flagstaff in the near term, so we'll have another place to get to know. FWIW, comments here don't have linking capacities like we have on Notes. Maybe some day!
Oh, I see, thank you for that.
Well, I can share my thoughts on Flagstaff with you! As it turns out, I go there more often than New Mexico because my wife’s mother lives there. We go to Flagstaff at least every other year and just got back a few weeks ago. It’s a great city.
Beautiful and insightful reading Don. Thank you for everything 💓
Thank you so much for being there always, Donna. I love you! 🩷
I love you too 💞
"It’s worth asking, what is the message my listener is able to hear at this time? It may not be the one I think they need or might benefit from."
I have taken a note of this as a reminder. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you, David!
Such good reminders here. It’s easy to jump ahead when hearing someone, with “I’ve heard this before, I know what you’re thinking and I know better.” I once read a suggestion I found helpful, that your essay reminds me of: ask “are you looking for advice or support?” And then respond accordingly. I think that question can be asked literally, or silently with the “deep listening” you discussed.
That's a very good suggestion, thank you, Stephanie! My wife and I have a pretty respectful communication system in place, I think mostly that she brought into the relationship. We always ask if the other has the ability to listen before launching in to a problem we may need to express.
Thanks for reading and thanks for you comment, Stephanie :-)
This is such a wonderful post, Don. I'm just loving these insightful life lessons you're sharing via small glimpses into your personal life experiences.
Indeed, wisdom shines when one can discern what another needs in the moment, not by injecting esoteric teachings where they cannot be absorbed. When I look back in my own life to my best mentors, teachers, and friends, they all possess this quality. You've done a splendid job here highlighting how that works, and how offering words of real substance to someone in need often requires us saying things we wouldn't normally say in our own enlightened states. It's when we come down off our lofty clouds, return to the earth, we remember how human life plays out down in the dirt.
Thanks for shouting out my poetry. Having anyone appreciate my work is special to me. Having someone of your character offer an endorsement... I'll just say means a lot.
Thanks, Jeff. It's great to hear from you. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work, too!
Wow, that is just, so nice. Thank you, Kert.
That is so wonderful to hear, thank you, Tom! 🙂🙏