Expanding My Definition of Self on My 60th

A Loss; A Beach Walk; Thinking About Birth, Life, and Death

This week, Shy Guy Meets the Buddha celebrated its 2,500th subscriber! A huge thank-you to all of my new readers and patrons. As I write this, I am celebrating my 60th birthday (Sept. 1), and in a few days, Jennifer and I will be taking a celebratory week-long vacation. Today I’m sharing some recent journal entries with you, and next week I’ll be off-line for the most part. I’ll see you as soon as I get back! (I love and appreciate all of your comments, and will be checking in during our vacation but please pardon any slow response.) 🙏💚

***Note that, sadly, this post includes mentions of suicide***

Journal

8/28/2024—Today I learned that my former helper, N___, took his own life. I was walking at Kalmus Beach and saw his girlfriend, E___, sitting on the jetty alone. She was crying and told me the heartbreaking news (it had happened only the day before). I stayed with her until she was ready to be alone again.

N___ had only just called me four days ago! He was working on his grandfather’s house and wanted to ask some carpentry questions. We spoke for 15 minutes. We hadn’t talked in a while so he was catching me up. He told me that he and E___ had separated less than a month before—after three years together—but were still communicating. His tone was loving, understanding; not resentful or angry. Typical of N___, he was trying to be brave, to accept and roll with the circumstances, even to learn from them. I did not realize how desperate he was, though I will say that I have often worried about him, even to the point of wondering if he would one day do something reckless.

8/30/2024—I walked again at Kalmus Beach. I was walking along the jetty, thinking about life and death. Then I was thinking about how entrenched we humans are in ourselves. Me, me, me, my, my, my. And I thought, I want to see and understand the world from a different perspective, one that is not so self-centered. But then I realized that as long as “I” want that transformation, I am only reinforcing the clinging grasping wanting self. So how to reach such a non-self state?

I walked along the top of the dune, which I love because it feels like wildness up there, unpeopled. And I knelt in the sand amongst the beach plants to watch the sunset and try to be in the moment. I was looking closely at a plant growing in front of me and I noticed how as it grows, its forward stem (called a tendril, as I later learned) wraps itself around other plants—plants of a different species—for support. Twists itself around grasses and flower stems multiple times like a bread tie. There are many of these connections on one plant, so that the entire plant becomes bridged to other plants and therefore stronger, more wind-resistant and able to travel further along its path six inches above the ground.

And I thought, this plant is behaving as it is meant to, as its DNA tells it to. I looked around and saw hundreds of others behaving the same way. The dune flats were covered with this plant, existing in partnership with other species. (I later identified the plant as beach pea, Lathyrus japonicus.)

We behave as we are meant to as well. Across the world humans are behaving in nearly identical ways, hunting, growing, or working to obtain food, mating, thinking, building, reading, gossiping, feeling good, feeling bad. It made me realize that the psychological slump I’ve been in the past couple of days is also just part of human behavior. (And obviously related to my friend’s death, as I came to realize later.)

Then I stood and continued walking along the dune path, toward the setting sun and the parking lot. As I was walking, I thought, We are of this earth. This earth gives rise to us and we are a part of it still, not a separate, independent entity with no connection. It’s ALL connection, just like that plant bridging itself to other plants for survival. We are bridged to the entire earth structure from which we come and of which we are still a part.

And then from that thought arose a question: Do you really think this earth, this mother, this extension of you, is just going to disappear you some day?

There is no such thing as an end. We are not just a bunch of separate, temporary parts running around, each floundering on its own to find some sort of meaning until it comes time for “lights out.” That’s an illusion. We are a network. We are a part of this earth and we always will be, because we are not just “I” the individual. We are “I” the whole.

8/31/2024—On Death (my summary of yesterday’s beach insights):

The earth had us in mind long before we were born, and will continue to hold us and love us after our familiar manifestation has reordered itself. The earth gave rise to us; her body is our body. We are of this earth and we are this earth.

Do we really think this earth could be rid of us?

I think not. No more than we could be rid of this earth. We are one and the same.

The trick is to begin expanding our definition of “I” now, taking into account this true source and being, this “relationship” with the whole (which is really more of an extension of ourselves than a relationship) and remembering that our thoughts and feelings have only limited our understanding because they are part of our human body, not our earth body. (I choose to say “earth” to keep things comfortably close, but could rightly substitute “universe.”)

9/1/2024—Today, I celebrate 60 years as a human being. I had been feeling resistant to the idea but I just now realized that the number six has always been my favorite number. And now that I am 60, all I can do is relax into it. And I actually feel empowered! Things are looking up! Happy birthday to me and to my twin sister, Donna. I think it’s going to be a good decade.

9/2/2024—Today is N___’s birthday; the day after mine. He would have turned 35. His best friend is holding a memorial at Craigville Beach for him. I would go but I’m out of town for the weekend. I’m thinking of him today and of his family and friends, who must be heartbroken. At the jetty that day, E___ told me that N___ had once mentioned in a conversation that he would never commit suicide because he would never do that to his friends and family. I can only imagine the desperation and pain he must have been in to forget his resolve.

Later I will reach out to E___ to see how she’s doing.

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